keep yer fingers crossed

welp it looks like tonight is gonna be tha night.her contractions are 4-7 mins apart and have been fer bout 3 hrs now.so i'll let ya know.




p.s. here's my h-n-t post as well....bonus!!!!


-BATMAN-

oh, my tummy is falling

Here's a good laugh
http://www.thecryptmag.com/Online/31/WhataPain.html

Every ten minutes like clock work, I almost double over and quiver in pain. I'm trying to remind myself to relax and sometimes after the peek,,,I'm able to. This labor is really taking it's time and I'm really close to running out of nerves. Thankfully I was able to sleep last night because the contractions slowed down to about every half hour. but rightnow I need them to pick it up to every 5 minutes so the hospital can give me drugs....yes, I'm so over my fear of needles. It's amazing what INTENSE F*%$ing pain can make a person do.
the back of my throat is soar from doing all the breathing and blowing....I mean Ive been doing this stuff for over 43 hours now.
Thankfully I've got a doctors visit tomorrow afternoon (if I havent delivered by then) CAn you believe his office called me on Monday to push back my Wednesday appointment to Thursday?!
Dont they realize that I'm over due and really need to be watched? guess I did turn down Two different inductions so they figure I'm just happy as can be all on my own.

It hurts so bad and I totally can see why they would give laboring women somthing to take the edge off....I'm creeping towards that edge every ten minutes.
I've really been praying for peace and that helps, it's so difficult to keep going like this and not get anywhere. Well, I shouldnt say that we're getting no where...my tummy is moving south. I've been wearing loose fitting gym shorts and about an hour ago I had to whip my panties out from underneeth...the panty line around the waistband was too much. I guess Avery's little body is moving down towards the light....I felt a small kick earlier this afternoon and it made me sad to think that it might actually be one of the last that I feel... That shouldnt upset me because here shortly I'm going to get to feel every little piece of her as soon as she is able to squeeze through this mouse hole.
Just for your entertainment,,I've had to stop twice since typing this and focus on my aching middle. I though about trying to write while it happened, maybe even describe it but my fingers were not able to keep order with the keys.
well, enough about my laboring. I'm really praying that it
A) picks up with these contractions and I finish this quickly like ,say by tomorrow 5am
B) it stops all together and I see my OBGYN and he offers another induction and I deliver in under 6 hours.
C) not another one!!! it hurts

still at home.....No baby yet
went to the mall and walked around this afternoon with Jamie timing my contractions. They slowed down to about every 10 minutes but at least they are fairly regular. (you can time your very own contractions here): http://www.dragonsept.com/mnfiddledragon/contraction.html
There are segments of the day that knock out good sized pain every four minutes but unfortunately, those segments don't last a complete 2 hours which are the required prerequisites for going to the hospital. Spent a bit of time in the pool which felt awesome on my body....These contractions are making my low back/ butt ache and getting some weight off my frame feels so wonderful.
State of mind is pretty good right now....Just hope to maybe get some rest tonight. I've been up since 2am and I'm sure I'm gonna need to catch some ZZZZ's but it's just alot of anticipation in the air. All I need is to catch a couple hours and hopefully these contractions will be roaring to go and bring me a baby.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers,,,I'll keep you posted as best I can.

something started lastnight

been up with contractions since 2 am last night. they were getting pretty strong and coming right about every 5 minutes up untill Jamie woke up at 6 this morning and got all flustered about it...I think his excitement kinda disturbed the progress I was making.
i have decided i'm probably going to get pain relief because the contractions I was having through out the night were pretty brutal. I'm just disappointed that I'm having this lul in progress.....that's what I get for telling jamie about it. I had kinda thought I should wait till he gets out the door to work and see how things are going this morning, but I figured if I had enough contractions from 5-6 before he woke, then I should tell him because that would have been 4 solid hours of good strong pain and movement.
wouldnt you know, as soon as I speak about it,,,the whole thing just kinda crumbles. I really need to stay calm and relaxed
and Mother,,,if your reading this,,,I will call you before going to the hospital OK!? if you would like to call me, fine! but please dont get your head excited and come disrupt things....not that you would,
I'm just really wanting to stay focussed and cool about everything. I dont need a bunch of panic going on.

I've been Tagged once again

Tummy pic's just dont reveal enough about a person anymore so now Ive been asked by my friend Niesha http://threeplusoneequalsfour.blogspot.com/ to reveal my 5 most favorite songs of the moment. Trouble is I really dont have bunch of music that i'm listening too right now so this list I'm going to have to dig around and find stuff. guess she realized I really needed a break and there's nothing like music to create a distraction.


top 5 most enjoyable tunes today are:

1. Brain Damage by Eminem
~love the lyrics because every one use to think I was on drugs just because of how nutty I was as a teenager. (i wasn't nutty, just a bit different and super creative for the record) nor was I actually on drugs,,,that came later :)

2. Got to give it up by Marvin Gaye
~best dancing song! Jamie and I have gotten silly at the club to this many times.

3. The 59th street bridge (feeling Groovy) by Simon & Garfunkel
slow down, you move to fast
you got to make the morning last
just kicking down the cobble stone, looking for fun and feeling groovy
badada-da-da- feeling groovy

Hello lamppost, what'cha knowing
I've come to watch your flowers growing
aint'cha got no rhymes for me
dootta-do-do- feeling groovy

I got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I'm dappeled and drowsy and ready to sleep
let the morning time drop all it's petals on me
Life I love you, always groovy

4. Got some teeth by Obie Trice
~once again just another silly song about hooking up at the club and discovering the next morning that your partner isnt so pretty (hope she got some teeth)

5. Keep your head up- tribute to Tupak- Rap phenomenon II
I hope you got your head up,,,even though the road is hard,,,never gave up,,,baby dont cry
I hope you got your head up,,,,even though the road is hard never gave up

Now heres a story about a woman with dreams
a picture perfect at thirteen an ebony queen
beneath the surface it was not just a crooked smile
everybody knew about her secret so it took awhile

I could see a tear fall slow down her black cheek
checkin quiet tears in the back seat
so when she asked me what would you do if it was you
couldnt answer such a horrible pain to live through

I tried to change places in the tragedy
I couldnt picture three crazed niggers grabbing me
For just a moment I was trapped in the pain, "Lord come and take me, for niggers violated, they chased and they raped me"

Even though it wasnt me
I could feel a brief thinking, "....with my brains blown out, that would make the pain go"
No, you gotta find a way to survive
cause they win when your soul dies ,,,baby please dont cry

gotta keep your head up,,, even when the road is hard,,,, never give up,,,, baby dont cry
you got to keep your head up,,, even when the road is hard,,, never give up

well, that's all for the list. wish I was able to post the last song for you all to hear. It really is a beautiful song, a rap set to full orchestra...it's so pretty and the lyrics always make me burn more of my pain off.
If anyone wants tagged to do this, just yell 'pollo' to my 'marco'
oh, and check out http://presidentin.blogspot.com/ evidentally our president has been tagged too.

MARCO.....

I want this to be over.....I'm so miserable

Not to disappoint the nation but baby Avery is still not working yet on her great entrance into the world.
I feel so miserable and exhausted. Everything wears me out. Even trying to sleep doesn't last more then an hour anymore. I woke up lastnight everyhour on the hour from 2am- 9am with a short stint in the bathtub to try and relax my muscles.
I feel so wornout and this evening the siatica is alternating from my left hip over to my right and back again....I don't know if that means my hips are spreading further, but it really is painful.
I've had a few contractions this evening and am imagining my cervix opening up so hopefully this could be the night it all goes down.
Actually that was what was keeping me from sleep last night,,, hoping that I would wake up and be in labor. I'm so hyped about finishing this process but now that I'm past my due date, it's like I've been running a marathon and I know I'm at the end but the finish line is not marked and I have got to keep on pushing forward but it's so tiresome.
I think tonight I'm just going to put all this 'labor' business aside and really just try and get some good sleep.
I'm not doing very good..... kinda bawled my eyes out this morning( all morning)
I'm really a wreck.

I did get to go hang out with my sister for a bit today which was nice. Got to see the new apartment she's moving into on Thursday. It's small and has absolutely no storage or closet space anywhere, but I think it'll be a good space for her to manage. It's always difficult to downsize but RAchel's got a good attitude about it and really is looking forward to calling the new place home.
She starts classes at the community college tomorrow and was getting stressed about another semester getting underway. She's got a lot on her plate right now so I just really enjoyed getting to hang out and talk with her. We don't get to do that very often.
Now with Roman gone,,, if us 'kids' get together over at the compound (parents home), it's just going to be us girls and our baby bro. Rory (17). Our family is shrinking...Well, actually, if Avery ever gets here, she'll help fill in some of the space.

OH! I ate TOO MUCH!

see the lovely burn mark that looks like a mole

Three days past Due

stayed up late lastnight hoping to get to sleep in a bit this morning.
I did manage to stay asleep till about 6:25 am so I got almost 5 hours and only woke up 3 times during that phase of sleep. My eyes do feel a little heavy today, maybe catch a nap If I can.

I dreampt last night that I was in a classroom of students and the teacher was listing off the different anatomical names for a cows stomach and I was called to the marker board and had to label a graph with the names of the four stomachs a cow has.
I remember using the abbreviations for the first two stomachs which were MI....That ment something like 'muscular intestine' but then I was blanking on the other names for the other stomachs. It seemed that the stomachs just kept going and there was no end to this cows anatomy
wonder if my uncomfortable stomach was inducing this dream.

dont forget to roll your R's

Jamie was telling me how he's helping the mexicans he works with speak english. He was helping them with the difference of B and V

Vamanos.......V, V, V,
Barracho.........B, B, B,

dont think I spelt those words right, but i learned the word "Baracho" means " Drunk"
I'm so proud of my man teaching English as a secon language

May I introduce you all to Avery's G-Ma

And here's my lovely mother http://g-anny.blogspot.com/
She's been commenting for awhile on my blog even though I don't allow anonymous comments. Guess my trip to the hospital on Monday kinda freaked her out, she bit the bullet and got herself coordinated with a user name and her own fancy blog... She will be more dedicated to this sort of thing then Batman was...So greet her, make friends with her, and I'm sure she will gladly give you her opinions and take on life.
plus she'll keep you abreast on my situation with the birth of her first grandchild.
good resource to have if you dont hear from me for a couple of days *hint,hint*

What if?

ok, sick thought from my demented brain
you know how these children in the news grow up and loose control and wind up killing their parents and stuff.
What if I'm about to give birth to the person that ends my life?
also, is it a sign of labor approaching if I constantly have the taste of peanutbutter in my mouth?
the past two days, everything I've eaten has tasted like peanutbutter. I've brushed my teeth 3 times today, and I cant rid my mouth of the taste.

How much longer

Officially yesterday August 23 was my due date.....I have also been given Aug. 18 as another date due to my last menstrual cycle and the doctor said I had Aug. 22 also show up on a sonogram for the estimated time of arrival for this baby. All of those dates have passed and I'm regretting that I didn't sign up to get induced. I feel very left behind.
I know this is a good opportunity for me to work on my patience however every hour that goes by, every day that passes , I start getting more irritated that I'm still pregnant. I want this show on the road already.
I know first time babies take a bit longer just because my body hasn't gone through this before but I wonder if maybe I should have had the induction....Everything in this pregnancy has worked out smoothly so why should I fear that maybe inducing labor could be horrible and cause things to mess up?
I'm so very tired of being tired. I don't sleep anymore so all of you people telling me to catch up on my ZZZZ's and capture all the rest I can before labor are like a squeaky wheel; it gets really old and redundant.....I'm exhausting myself by remaining in this pregnant state. Seriously, everyday that goes by drains me even further....There is no resting up. I'm bored to death of doing nothing and keeping off of my feet. I feel like this process has got to be over.
If I had gone with the induction, I would be a mother by now and life would be moving forward. Right now I'm on hold, waiting for this baby to come.
trying to feel if I'm getting any contractions, gets really old. Think I'm going to go up to Blockbuster and find some film....Amy, you recommended a scary movie to help get things underway. I'm not a fan of horror but the fact that it's Wednesday and the bun is still in the oven is horror enough. I'm loosing my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh, and everyone calling up and asking everyday what's going on with the baby....Nothing! absolutely frickin nothing, I think she kicked the cat laying in bed earlier but other then that, the concept of exiting my body has not occured to her.
I will alert you all to any changes. i hate having it rubbed in by everyone that the baby isnt here yet,,,,,,like it's my fault or something.
yeah, I'm a bad mother already. I'm keeping my daughter locked up like a closet kid and not allowing her to see the world. What a bad mother I am!

today is August 23~ where's my baby at?

it's my official due date....my latest date for the arrival of mistery baby.....
going to help a girlfriend pack up some stuff to move to dallas. If I come home without a baby, maybe we packed little avery up and she got shipped over to dallas.
I'lll tell ya more later

Ever have dreams that your falling?

getting tired of talking just about this pregnancy so here
http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf is a link of a bikini clad woman
falling through bubbles that you can move with your mouse.
brainless but intresting for a minute or two

is this the real deal?

little blood this morning, called doctors office.... is sending me to hospital ER to get checked
didnt sleep well at all last night was up like 4 times but thats nothing new
jamie is rushing home from work telling me not to worry........I'm fine but he sounds a bit rattled
*********************************
update: ...mild cramping not enough to consider contractions (I could have told you that) but my cervic is effacing(thinning) to 40% which is why there is blood. could last for a couple days but i'm probably starting early labor.......going to see my OB/Gyn this afternoon, I think he wants to induce labor.
still dont know what I think of that. If there is a reason to induce, fine but I dont want to force something on my body if it's not ready yet. could wind up with a c-section of induction doesnt work well. why would my doc be recomending it though? I want to be a good patient and follow his advice but I dont know what to think. This baby wont be considered 'late' untill two weeks from now....that's when I 'll feel ok with inducing labor.
so for now the baby llama is stuck where she's at, poking a hopeful nose out to the world.
Will post again after Doctor checks me.
*****************************************
After the Doctors Visit:
No induction for me (no reason for it I say)
Doc was trying to get me to schedule it for Wednesday because he thinks he already delivered whoever was scheduled for that time....how nice of him to 'fit me in' like that,,,,,, really!
so he sent me home regretful and scared that I wont have any medical supervision till next visit which is 10 whole days away. *gulp* guess I'm going to learn alot about the progress of labor on my own.
Induction of labor
Induction can be performed using several methods. These include:

Cervical dilators. A mechanical method of dilating the cervix, which is among the oldest inducement techniques. A number of methods may be used, including the rupturing of membranes surrounding the fetus (amniotomy) and the insertion of a balloon catheter (which is then inflated to dilate the cervix).

Prostaglandin E suppositories or gel. These medications help make the cervix more favorable to induction. In many cases, administration of the suppository or gel will cause labor and delivery to follow within 24 hours. In other cases, another method of induction is necessary to finish the process.

Oxytocin. Medication used to induce the uterus to contract. The drug is given to the expectant mother through an intravenous drip. This allows the physician to closely control the amount of medication given based on the mother’s strength of contractions and the baby’s response to the contractions.

Misoprostol. Tablets that are placed high in the vagina that help make the cervix more favorable to induction. To date, this method is considered experimental.

Circumstances that may require induction for medical reasons include:

Placental insufficiency. This occurs when the placenta is not getting enough nutrients and oxygen.
Chorioamnionitis. Infection of the placental tissues.
Post–term pregnancy. Induction may be performed when a pregnancy has extended to 42 weeks or more.
Danger to the fetus. Occurs when the fetus is no longer thriving in the uterus due to poor placental function, maternal disease or other conditions.

Poor result from stress test or nonstress test. These tests measure whether or not the placenta is still functioning properly. If not, induction may be necessary for the health of the fetus.
Delay in labor after membranes rupture. If membranes have ruptured but labor has not started spontaneously within 12 to 24 hours, labor may be induced.

Serious maternal medical condition. Women who develop preeclampsia or another serious medical condition that cannot be controlled by medication may need to be induced.

In some cases, a physician may induce labor for reasons that are not strictly medically necessary. These include lack of access to nearby hospital or specialist, family circumstances or other reasons.
Inductions are not always successful in bringing about the baby’s birth. In such situations, a second induction or a Caesarean section may be necessary. Women should discuss the pros and cons of an induction with their physician before deciding to undergo the procedure.

Seven things

Seven things you plan to do before you die!!
1. Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony
2. See the great redwoods in the west
3. Give birth to my baby
4. Build a home closer to the beach
5. Get in a pie throwing battle
6. Start a new career in midwifery
7. Learn to play the banjo

Seven things you can do!!
1. Carry a baby to full term
2. Entertain myself............I never have understood when people complain of being bored.
3. Milk a goat
4. Lactate
5. Change shapes and stretch like the mom in the Incredibles
6. Acupressure/ Reflexology
7. Predict what elevator is going to open first going up to my doctors office

Seven things you can't do!!!
1. Drive a stick shift....I've been taught but a bad episode just made me vow to never do it again
2. Throw up/vomit......My stomach doesn't allow things to come back up, it just goes one way
3. Change my kitty litter box....One of the pluses to being 'with child'
4. Make up my mind fast enough for jamie
5. Make everyone get along
6. Read music...Bass clef/counting
7. Think of seven celebrities to have a crush on .............Scroll down, you'll see

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex!!
1. Smile and nice skin
2. Good attitude/ perspective of the world and self
3. Cleanliness in grooming (that means teeth, hair, nails, smell, the works)
4. How they speak/ intelligence
5. Carries a conversation instead of allowing it to die out
6. Shoes / watch
7. Sincerity

Seven things you say most!!!
1. "I'm still pregnant... not due until August 23 "
2. "So I was reading somewhere that... "
3. "You don't really care about me "
4. "I want my body back "
5. "I love you "
6. "You're very special to me "
7. "Sorry for being so difficult and emotional "

Seven celebrity crushes!!!
1. Johnny depp
2. Burt Reynolds
3. Herbie Volkswagen
4. Zack Braff
5. Harrison Ford
6. Captain Kirk
7.

Seven people you want to take this quiz..
1. Emily
2. Grody Jo-dee
3. sum kinda princess
4. Karen
5. Heather
6. Cendrine
7. Shanda
plus whoever else would like too steal this is welcome to spread it around.

Still in the womb

It's Friday night and Jamie is already in bed asleep. He had the night off of work, so we went over to my parents and he mowed down the grass while I stayed inside and cooked empanadas for dinner. I burnt my tummy with the grease and now I have a little blister next to my belly button. Everything tends to land on my stomach, it's so frustrating.
After feeding Mom and dad and BAtman, I had to get off of my feet and mom came over and started rubbing my left foot. I've had some sort of stabbing pain in the middle of that foot and I cant get it to go away. I spent about an hour working on it last night but today being on it in the kitchen just got it to worsen. It feels like there's a wedge of glass poking up into my foot, think it could be some sort of hair line fracture that's never healed and this extra weight is causing some irritation. All I know is that I was walking yesterday and it just ached but I needed to continue crossing the road and by the time I reached the side walk again, I was In definite pain.
Now I hobble with my waddle, and it's really quiet pathetic

Baby Avery is now in position, earlier in the week I was having some major discomfort in my hips/butt area for several days and as it turns out, the baby has descended into her station.
It's not very comfortable but at least my hips have quit being so achey. Now my pants really roll down around my belly. Cant get them to stay up for the life of me , oh well, its only a matter of days.....I was aiming to go into labor today and birth for tomorrow but guess not so soon.
My dad says I'm not going to have her untill the 26th. he's a doc, he should know.

Baby shower 8-16-05

me with name tag on my belly for baby Avery and jamie holding cake....Long time girlfriend Dalanna behind us decorated the cake. So yummy! Spice carrot cake....My favorite!

baby shower 8-16-05

Batman and me opening more presents....notice the tall stack of huggies behind us!
My mother writing notes of what came from who,,,, Batman, and myself holding up the cute denim shorts eveyone 'Awhhed' for when I held up, and Aunt Gloria with her partner Mary ann on the couch.


Batman, myself opening more pressents (the stack behind me is all diapers, yoohoo!) in the back is jamies aunt Gloria, and my lil sis Rachel on the ground.....baby pic in the forground on the table is of lil' baby robyn

Baby shower 8-16-05

my little sister Rachel, My fantastic Dad with his arm in a sling from his surgery....He's not been as good as mom with allowing his shoulder to heal and has had some problems with the incision draining, and my sisters boyfriend Ryan M. That couldn't pick my parents up and made them drive themselves to the baby shower.

baby shower 8-16-05

Mom and Me
my mother with her arm in a sling from her surgery. she gets to take it off next Friday. she's been going to physical therapy 3 times each week and is making excelent progress.

baby shower 8-16-05

Jamie with his Dad Joe and step mom jeanne, they drove up from Austin just to participate in the baby shower. It really meant alot to have them there. I hope they intend to be a part of baby Avery's life as her grandparents......Joe is a quiet man but spent a bit of time talking with my dad. It was the first time for them to meet and I think they got along well.

do you want it rare, medium, or well done

Saw my doctor today and the question now is when do I want to schedule my induction.
can you believe it? I get to pick when would be good to have this baby. So the big question is do I want to have a little Leo or a Virgo?

I didn't gain anyweight this past week, which allows for me to put on 1 more pound before delivery before I get to the 'I'm going to have to kill myself if I go over' amount that I set for myself way back when I knew nothing about being pregnant.
my bloodpresure was good though the nurse Courtney was really tired and just wanted to go home and sleep.......Didn't feel like criticizing her and telling her how tired and achy I feel....She's got to stand guard over the Doc when he inspects lady parts so I imagine her day might actually be a bit more dreary then mine.

My lovely Doc came in after making me wait almost another 15 minutes with nothing over my lower half but a paper drape....I wore the drape, not my doctor, he wore some type of lavender shirt and shiny tie......Why does a medical doctor dress like he's in a business meeting? I would much prefer for him to be more comfortable then posh, he's a healthcare provider not a banker.
anyway, he measure my growth, said 'good', put some instrument to my tummy and listened to Avery's heart Thumping. I ask if it sounds alright and he says, ' it's about 157' **?**
I'm guessing that's good, I just wish this doc would tell me some sort of progression instead of keeping it hidden in my secret file. I want to know that things are moving forward or backward or not moving at all....I just want to know. Telling me 157 means nothing to me. I'm just a simple woman carrying around a lot of water weight mixed in with a full term baby.

so next he puts my feet up in the stirrups and I get to scoot my butt down for him,,,,I'm getting pretty good at this now and he lubes up and pokes me with his longest digits. Totally uncomfortable but I have no more shame so I just look back at him with my forhead squinched trying to not notice how he's not being very nice inside of me. He's got his head turned to the side and is hunched over like he's up to his freaking elbow....And I cant figure out what his expression on his face means. First I'm thinking it looks surprised like last time, and that I'm not dilated one bit. Then my DR. Takes his other hand and starts pressing down on my belly. Shoving Avery down and his eyes brighten a bit and he finally says, ' yes, there we go. It's about a tiny fingertip.' I start thinking that he's actually felt little avery's fingers inside of me but then realize he's still talking about the cervix that needs to be opened.
I ask if it's reached 1 cm. Yet and the doc says 'a tiny centimeter' and 'when do you want to schedule for an induction, I really want to see you on Monday'

can you believe he thinks I'm ready to start labor. I'm ready to not be pregnant but all you girls keep reminding me that I really don't want a super tough labor so I backed down and told him that I would rather wait to see what happens naturally with my body then to force it with drugs and an extra night at the hospital.
So I scheduled for this coming Monday for my Doctor to check me. If I'm still good, or even better, then I might decide about inducing. Who knows what can happen between now and then.

I'm so nervous but very excited. Cant believe I'm here already. This appointment today really gave me some confidence. Even though it was short and sweet, It helped me realize that even though, this process is going to be difficult and undesirable, that I can tough out a lot of discomfort and kind ride the flow of pain. It's all about keeping your head above the surface and staying cool. I think It gave me a glimpse of not worrying about things, but just staying tough and relaxed.


something else to chew on.....I really like what it says about the baby's soul
http://www.unhinderedliving.com/downside.html

birth defects

http://www.plasticsurgerychandigarh.com/defects/birth/birth_page.htm

Questions to ask my doc

tomorrow I go to see my OBGYN and there are always a bunch of question I forget to ask or things I need to tell him so tonight I'm going to write them out in hopes of remembering. (it's just difficult talking with a man while he's down between your legs poking you in unpleasant manner) you just want to leave because he's not making the baby come out.

1. Is it OK that I'm not feeling braxston Hicks contractions anymore? I havent since childbirthing class ended a month ago and those didn't hurt at all. Just felt like my tummy got hard.

2. Why does the top of my stomach KILL me in the morning? It hurts so bad that I lay in bed for an hour sometimes two before I have the strength to pull myself upright and get to my feet. Once I'm on my feet and moving around, the pain subsides.....Am I sleeping through braxton hick and the waking makes it go away?

3. My poop has changed colors. It use to be black from the Iron but now it's turned normal brown but looks almost orange to me it's been so long since I saw normal colored poop. Does this mean I'm close and my progesterone levels are dropping?

4. Can he put somewhere in my chart that I shouldn't have any needles stuck in me during my stay at the hospital unless I'm dying? And that the needles must be the smallest size possible?

5. When can we schedule an induction?

6. I keep forgetting to tell him that my last menstrual cycle was actually 5 days earlier then when I told him last winter. It was on the 11th not the 16th of November......So does that mean my due date is really tomorrow instead of on next Tuesday?
(to figure ones due date, You take the start of the last menses and subtract 3 months and add 1 week.....That creates the time frame for gestation of a human baby.)

TOP 21 WAYS TO SAY "YOUR FLY IS OPEN"

21) So you like to hang out!
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarrone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hilary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy before but now I see your nuts.

Another Dream

last night I drempt that I stole this black cat from my friends home. He was a beautiful Tom cat that just followed me home because I was talking sweetly to him. we walked the streets of Downtown Fortworth through some dark alleys but I didnt feel scared because this Cat was with me and seemed to know how to get around. Maybe I was following him but after a late night out, this cat returned to my home with me. Mind you I already have three cats, and I refuse to take in more unless they match the color scheme I have going.....White!
so this handsome Black tom cat with itty bitty white patch on his chest moves in and sleeps the night away on my bed till the next morning when He's up checking out the pad and my other boy cat Riddler comes in and gets his feelings hurt about a new feline in the home, not to mention this stranger doesn't match........... Is that how he's going to be about the baby?

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Update/ dream meaning from http://www.dreammoods.com/
(thanks greek)

Cat:
To see a cat in your dream, signifies much misfortune, treachery, and bad luck. However, for the cat lover, cats signifies an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself. If you see a cat with no tail, then it signifies a lost of independence and lack of autonomy.
To dream that a cat is biting you, symbolizes the devouring female. Perhaps you are taking and taking without giving. You may be expressing some fear or frustration especially when something is not going as planned.
To see a black cat in your dream, indicates that you are experiencing some fear in using your psychic abilities and believing in your intuition. You may erroneously associate the black cat with evil, destruction, and bad luck. If you see a white cat, then it denotes difficult times.
To dream that a cat killed a spider, suggests that you are expressing your femininity in a seductive and cunning manner rather than in an overtly and almost destructive way.

so if I were to do a reading, I'm dreaming about a black cat that follows me everywhere even while I sleep and interferes with my other cats happiness........meaning i'm worried about this baby and how it's going to fit into my world but we already talked about that yesterday. Ilove dreams....it means i'm sleeping :)

Who knows what today is?

It's my last Tuesday before I'm due to give Birth.
Only 5% of all pregnant women give birth on their due date. I could have her any day now or she could make me wait but the positive thing is that she is about to be here. It's inevitable, my world is changing me into someone else. It's a second puberty for me. I'm about to be a mom!
I cant believe i've made it this far. It feels like it's been such a journey, and the only thing I can say is that i'm so glad its nearly over. Now the tough part comes into play. I've got Labor and delivery to get through and then the rest of time to mess up raising my little girl. She's going to be so cute! I can hardly wait to see her little hands and funny shaped face. I hope she's happy to see me.

Sharing babies

several nights ago, as I slept I had a dream that I had a baby from someone elses blog that I read.
http://pumpkindiary.blogspot.com/

this blog is one of my favorites to look at and their little baby boy Bram is so darling. but the other day the pumpkin diaries confused me because there where pictures of Two babies that looked tremendously alike.
It must have stuck with me because that night I was dreaming about the babies and little baby Bram was in my arms and belonged to me. I remember feeling guilty because I knew his wonderful dad and Mum would be missing him except in my dream, I made the excuse that there was another baby they had and this little boy was going to be mine.
I think the blonde woman who looks so much like Eve the mother was in my dreams as well. Kinda overseeing the whole trading of babies.
I woke up that morning feeling horrible or at least a bit guilty that I had taken someones baby. Think I'm just anxious for my little bundle to get here.

changes and adaptations

I got most of the baby shower stuff put away but still have to wash out her little blakets and clothes Avery got. went to Babies R Us yesturday with Batman and used up part of a gift card we recieved from his Dad and step mom. picked up the All detergents for babies that Heather pointed out to me, thanks heather. THere's just so much a new mom doesnt know and I dont mind picking it up from others.....the thing I CANT STAND is when older mothers , in their 50's start telling you that your wrong and how they know how a baby is supose to be cared for. I listen but It's so frustrating to listen about how they know everything
mind you it's out dated by thirty years)
and that you as a new mom dont know crap......

oh, my little kitty Simone just looked up at me with her purdy eyes and I feel like crying. I'm going to be so busy with this baby, my other kids (the cats) are going to be neglected..... What kinda mom am I going to be? this life that I know is so changing, Im not going to be the same Robyn that I've know for the past 28 years. Soon, I'm going to have a new title of Mother and that outweighs everything I've ever done before. I'm scared. I dont want to say goodbye to the life I've known, I mean i'm totaly ready of course but Its sad to think that it's all changing never to be the same again. where ever I go, I'm going to have a baby to lug around with me and the next several years will be centered around diapers and keeping my little girl as clean and happy as I can. no more ME time. guess i'll change it to US time and enjoy it that way. It's just sad to let go of my old identity so to speak.

Plum Tuckered

Yesterday was the most exhausting day. It started at 7am when jamie got home, we had to go over to his grandmother (dad's mom) and had a quick breakfast and baby shower gift from her. She had a cute baby picture of jamie with a little butterfly craft on a rope he made put together in a lovely frame. Iment to take it to the baby shower in the after noon to share with everyone else but had a difficult time getting out the door. After visiting with grandma B we came back home and jamie had to crash. He wanted me to get him up at noon but it was 2:15 before he crawled out of bed (baby shower started at 2) needless to say our guest had to wait an hour for us. I was so nervous because my parents were over at jamies' and I had received a call from my sisters boyfriend asking where we were because dad and mom were angry that they had to drive themselves , evidently he was late to pick them up so Mom took off with dad and neither of them is suppose to be driving while their arms are still in slings from their surgery. I was so scared that my parents were throwing a fit and things were falling to pieces,,,,,I almost left for the shower and figured jamie could find his own way there,,,,,
When we finally got there, I was so happily surprised that eveyone was getting along and seemed to be enjoying talking. They were probably relieved that the pregnant woman finally showed up and they could begin the baby shower...Anyway, Jamie's Dad and my Dad seemed to hit it off and I saw them conversing quite a bit. It was really sweet.
I'm sorry I don't have any pictures today, we didn't take our camera but I was photographed like 15 bajillion times yesterday, so there will be pictures at some time.
After everyone ate the little finger sandwiches and punch (which I really liked, typically I hate punch at parties but this was the yummiest!) we all tried to gather in the living room but Jamie wanted to run to the store with Ryan (the lousy guy who couldn't pick up my parents on time) I was starting to get frustrated with him making the party wait for him all over again . Jamie wouldn't say what he 'needed' at the store, so I just assumed he was trying to escape to have a cigarette or something...I was just so numb to him because he already had made me an hour late to my 'surprise' baby shower and now he wants to go and smoke!
anyway, the party gathered in the living room and talked and waited for JAmie to return, my patience had run pretty low so 20 minutes later Ryan and Jamie are pulling up in the street out side and I go and yell for them to hurry up and then Jamie walks in and has the moset beautiful dozen roses and a sweet card for me and he looks like prince charming in front of everyone......so I couldn't stay mad.
we started opening gifts around 4pm and I felt horrible because by 5:30 we had to say goodbye to Jamies dad and step mom, they had driven up from Austin and needed to be getting home. It was sweet of them to make the trip, in the four years Jamie and I have been together , we've gotten to see them maybe 3 times, and that's more then jamie's seen them since he was 12 years old. Last night jamie was telling me that his dad had told him he was proud of him. His dad is a man of little words but the words he does say have strong meaning and I know that made jamie feel good to hear him say.
Did I tell you yet that we got a lot of stuff! We didn't finish opening all the presents until close to 7 pm,,,,,,that's three hours of present opening and all the OOOOOhhing and AAAWWWHGing that goes along with admiring all the little baby bibs and burp rags. I figure there were enough gasps of 'oh, that's so cute and darling' to counter act all the dirty diapers this baby is going to fill. Which by the way our lovely Aunt Gloria hooked us up with 456 diapers and 624 baby wipes. We should be set for the first month or so. (I hear you go through about 30 in the first week)
So we survived my surprise baby shower yesterday and I'm so extremely tired today. I' have all these giant bags of stuff to put away and make sure I send out thank you cards to the right givers.....The baby nursery looks like a freaking fun house for the cats with all the boxes and gift bags with tissue paper. Last night Simone got into the nursery while I was trying to sort out and put away some of Avery's new stuff. When JAmie finally made me quit and come to bed, the cat was stalking some piece of ribbon from behind the rocking chair hidden whith all the array of bows and wrapping papers.
oh, I'm so tired, I've got to take today off and really put my feet up. yesturday was so exhausting. I was really hoping my water would break at the baby shower....Just sounded like a funny thing to have happen with all my friends and family around.....Maybe it'll happen today

God takes care of those who trust in him

Parents, Party, and Positions

saw my parents this evening and it was good. Dad might be starting up a new job which really is a blessing. He hasn't been working since April when he was let go and Mom has had such a negative voice about him finding work, it's just been a strain especially on their personal relationship, mom cant stand having dad home all the time and dad really needs something to keep himself occupied....So this job thing if it works out could really be fantastic for them.

Dad was on line helping my little sister browse apartment listings in the area. At least those two realize that she's not moving in with me. She 's still having a hard time saying No....Dad wants her to get something to big and expensive (that way when things are no good at home with Mom, he's got a place to go to, isn't that wrong?) anyway, I offered to go with them tomorrow AM when she's checking them out in person and help her stand her ground with dad and give her some advice.
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Oh, tomorrow I'm so excited. I'm getting to have a surprise baby shower! I haven't had a party thrown for me since I was a kid, this is so exciting and I can hardly wait. JAmie has to work till 7am and then we're to go to his grandmother's down the street and pick up some gift from her.....She's unable to attend which really saddens me but it's going to be a lot of family there tomorrow as it is. Jamie's mom and stepdad and all of that family, plus my parents, His gay Aunt and her partner, a couple of our close friends, and then His DAd and stepmom are coming. THats such a surprise to have this much of our relatives all gathering together in one place in honor of my little unborn baby. It feels so wonderful. Bet they all are going to want to check my tummy.......
you know that's one thing that hasn't bothered me, people touching my tummy. Sometimes I feel like I want to share this with people and I'm not a physically shy person. Before I was pregnant, I didn't know how it felt to gain a round belly over the course of 9 months so Its been a neat experience for me and I just imagine that others don't know and might feel curious so I insist sometimes that my friends feel my tummy.......They always do but it's like they are shy about it. I hope I haven't made any of them uncomfortable with forcing them to touch my tummy when they really didn't want to but couldn't say no to my big bossy self. sometimes the larger you are the more intimidating you become to others. So being this swollen, I figure I scare a lot of folks.
Oh, something else I've noticed is that there must also be something youthful in being pregnant. Over the past several years I've gotten accustomed to being call "Ma'am"
I didn't like it in my early twenties when people first started referring me to that title but the strangest thing is now that I'm fully pregnant and round, strangers are calling me "Miss" again. Something about being with child reduces your age or maybe Miss is just a gentler title, that's what is has to be because everyone wants to hold doors and watch you get into the car, and make sure you have a seat, and really just watch out for your tummy for the most part and they all just want to help and be kind which I adore about being pregnant. Everybody should be treated in this way. The world would be a much nicer place. But I guess also when strangers talk with me, they try to soften their words and I've become a 'miss' again.

Against Doctors Orders

Got back from doing my walk this morning. I skipped it yesterday and felt lazy and fat all day so I decided it might be good for me to keep up with the exercise. This morning I took it real slow though and actually don't feel that bad. I think maybe before I was pushing myself and this time I just took it at a stroll, my hands get puffy and stuff but they don't ache as much as they had time s past. I'll take the rest of the day easy.....Don't have a lot to do today. Take a bath, take a nap, read my parenting books I picked up at the library yesterday.....Pretty easy day. Hope yours is as good

just got off the phone with batmans mother.....turns out she's planning a suprise baby shower for me this saturday and she's stressed out because her ex husband and his wife will be there.....um, dont invite people that you dont want to attend.
It's going to be crazy enough just having all of batmans stepfamily there with my parents but now his real dad is going to show up. They are nice people just not very warm so Its going to feel weird......I'm just excited about getting to know about this baby shower.
there have been whispers about it but no one wants to tell me anything and it's super frustrating. maybe I'm just frustrated all around and it's the only emotion I can deliver about anything right now.
My family is going to have a baby shower for after Avery is born which I think is a good idea. Itll allow everyone to get to see the baby and enjoy the new addition to the family.

more important then anything a huge happy birthday goes out to my baby brother Rory
today is his 17th birthday. I'm so proud of him for making it this far. the difficult years are starting to pass and soon adulthood brings it's own struggles but at least the Dark Days of 15 and 16 are done with . Rory I'm so proud of you. I remember the day Mom told me she was pregnant again.....I got so ticked off that she would be so irresposible to get pregnant with another kid when I was already stuck as the permanent babysitter for Roman and Rachel. But you were deffinately the cutest and this world wouldnt be the same with out you.
Happy Birthday Rory! I love you

Elephantitus of the feet

I'm confused because I saw my doctor today and I still got sent home with baby inside. I thought surely he was going to tell me to get my butt over to the hospital and lets do this birth thing. It's so frustrating because I ran into the girl who was due same date as me but she had her baby two weeks ago.....She was there with her little baby boy and granny getting her stiches taken out last week and then today again just to get checked. Why does she get to have her baby now and I don't? Its just not fair!
then on top of it, my doctor had to run over to the hospital to make a delivery and I had to wait an extra while for him to return......I had my bladder full, ready to pee for them and I was stuck holding it. That was fine, I was surely going to be the next baby he delivered (mind you I';ve not been having contractions or anything and still have 13 more days to go) but I'm done being pregnant. Seriously, there is no more need for me to carry this stomach around.
my Dr. Returned suprisingly fast (30min.) and I got ushered into get urine sample, bloodpressure, and weighed.................Not good this week. I put on triple the amount of weight that I should have, when I stepped on the scale I told the nurse that I was feeling pretty heavy but I didn't expect for it to be 3xs what it is allowed.
I asked the doc about it and he said it's actually water weight gain and that I really need to take it easy and keep off of my feet
I really haven't been eating that much, I've actually been trying to eat little tiny meals and definitely drink my fluids everyday, plus I force myself to get up every morning and haul my butt around the block a couple of time. This morning was the worst because I REALLY DID NOT FEEL like doing my walk. Everything in me hurt but I squished my fat feet into my sneakers and told myself that I always feel better after I do it plus it helps open up the pelvis and gets the baby to sink down into position and progresses labor, plus I want to keep my energy and strength up.
but now, my doctor is telling me to stay off of my feet.....Not bedrest though.....so does that mean no walking? I just want to have this baby, god knows my knees were killing me when I got back this morning from my route. but at least my legs and arse are looking good (hauling this extra tummy around does make for an intense workout) I just waddle my swollen self around the block and call it quits after 2 laps which takes about halfhour to do.....I'm just ready to not be so puffy. Every joint in my body has fluid around it and it's awful.

When my doc did his exam of my insides to see if I was dilated, I think I surprised him a bit because he had this look of disbelief that I was still closed up tight. Guess he's use to all these other women that cant hold their babies in and start labor early. I've still got two weeks to go but my doctor was not use to or expecting such a tight cervix.....I joked with him about when is he going to go on vacation next because don't most mothers drop their babies while the doc is out of town. He got a good chuckle and I offered to send him on a cruise of his choice.....
I bet you my baby Avery will be late. I was born three weeks late, I didn't get my period till I was almost 14 years old, my menstrual cycle last at least 6-7 days and runs every 31 days so I think I just have a slow reproduction system. Doc said even if we were to do an induction, with my cervix being this closed up, it could still take a couple days for the indution to work. His longest was 3 days he said. I just know that when the time is right , It will happen.
everything else has been good, I guess I just need to take everyone's advice and not stress.....I just really hate this swelling and bloating and fluid retention. It's so very uncomfortable....I've been drinking my 64oz. of water everyday to help minimize this but I guess the pregnancy is winning the battle.
I WANT MY BODY BACK!!!

still here

STill pregnant ARRRRGHGHG! I want this baby out of me like a drunk wants more beer
Avery is getting tooooo big. my tummy quit growing out forward and now she's stretching my sides out where I am told I use to have a waist.
I'm going to the Doc in another hour and half to get fingered and see how things are progressing and I 'm going to tell him that I want to have the baby now. I'm done being pregnant and lugging around 40 extra pounds, it hurts my knees now, not just my back and ankles, but every single joint is fat and swollen and I'm in a yucky mood.
I'm trying to talk BAtman into having sex but he wont touch me with a ten foot pole (sex is suppose to be good to induce labor) got some socks and music put together for my hospital bag, dont care about my makeup and I'm getting a disposable camera because digital isnt allowed at labor and deliveries. So I'm packed as far as I care, I just want to be done already. oh, and It would be cool to see my baby, I'm just so freekin uncomfortable
I really hope the Doctor tells me to go straight to the hospital after he checks me, I want to be ready Today/

packing for Mommyhood

well, today i checked my email and one of my many online pregnancy calenders has recomended that I be packed now for my labor and delivery....which I'm not. I figure It can be one of those things I do to stave off rushing to the hospital with contractions too early. I believe that's one of my worries, that I'll think I'm ready to go to the hospital but when i get there, the nurses just turn me away and say it's not real labor yet and I'm not dialated at all. So I keep thinking of things I can do to busy myself during early labor and my plan is to wait and then wait some more, I hope to wait so long that I'm barely able to hold this baby in and it just falls out as i'm being admitted to the hospital......Dont worry, the hospital is two exits down the road from me. I've actaully considered maybe making it a walk over there......they say walking helps stop false labor and promotes real labor. I could do a mile and a half couldnt I.....?

"What to Pack in Your Hospital Bag
Though you aren't packing for an island cruise or a ski vacation, you'll still need plenty of planning as you prepare your hospital bag for one of life's biggest adventures—labor and delivery! Learn what essentials to pack for your hospital stay and what to leave at home.

Those last few weeks of pregnancy can seemingly take forever, but that baby will come soon and you want to be prepared! By the end of your thirty-sixth week you should have a bag packed and ready to go. Here's a list of the necessities as well as a few "extras" that might make your hospital visit more comfortable. If you know you will have an extended stay in the hospital (with a c-section, for instance), be sure to plan accordingly.

NightgownThe hospital may insist you wear one of their gowns, or you may prefer to keep your nice gown clean for after the baby is born, but eventually you will likely want your own pajamas. If you are planning to nurse, be sure to bring a gown that opens down the front (you don't want to be lifting up a long gown to breastfeed!) It's a good idea to bring at least three gowns or even pjs in case you have a longer stay than anticipated -- you won't want to send hubby home to do laundry

Slippers and Socks Keep your tootsies warm. Bring slippers or socks for walking up and down the halls.

Bathrobe Most moms find themselves walking the halls in a nightgown and robe at some point during their stays, so splurge a little on something nice you won't mind wearing "in public."

Nursing Bra, Nursing Pads and Nursing Tops These are especially wonderful for breastfeeding moms, but the bras are not a bad idea even if you don't plan on nursing. Nursing bras give you extra special protection and support.

Underwear You may feel most comfortable wearing your own underwear, or you may want to wear something provided by the hospital since your underwear could become bloodstained from lochia after delivery if your pad leaks. Either way, it's best to be prepared and bring a few pair of undies with you! The hospital will likely provide napkins for you, but you may want to bring your favorite brand. You'll need highly absorbent napkins with plenty of coverage for your undies.

Toiletries Don't forget your toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo and hairbrush. Lip balm is a good thing to add to your bag also; all that heavy breathing during labor and delivery can dry your lips.

Cosmetics This is for you moms who like to look great in ALL your photographs! No matter how bad you may feel during labor, you'll want to make a point to do your makeup and brush your hair before delivery. You're sure to be in plenty of photos with your newborn. At the very least you may like to put on a little makeup the next day when you're expecting visitors.

The Going-Home Outfit Moms-to-be, it's time for a reality check! Put aside those hopes of wearing your favorite pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital and opt for something loose fitting and comfortable. You will probably still look pregnant (it takes time for most women's bodies to shrink back to pre-pregnancy size!), and if you have a c-section you will appreciate something loose at your waist. You'll also want flat, comfortable shoes.


Baby Clothes Most moms bring something special for their little ones to wear on their first outings into the world. Be sure to consider the weather when you choose an outfit for your newborn. If it's cold outside, you'll need to bundle baby! And be sure to bring a cap for your baby's head (although they usually give you a cute one at the hospital).

The Diaper Bag Time to start toting the bag! Bring a few diapers and some gentle wipes. The bag will also be handy to carry home all the "extras" you get at the hospital (literature, thermometer, bulb syringe, etc.)

Receiving Blankets Most newborns love to be swaddled. You finally get to use those adorable blankets!

Phone Book and Long Distance Calling Card You'll want to share the joy of having a baby without paying the hospital's long distance rates.

Laptop After delivery, you may want to take a few minutes to send your favorite cyber friends a virtual birth announcement.

Music Player and Favorite Music Both during labor and after your baby is born you'll appreciate the familiarity of your favorite tunes as background music.

Massage Lotion/Aromatherapy Items Splurge on some special pampering lotions and aromas. Massaging you during labor will also give your partner something to do to help you (and keep him busy!)

Video Camera, Regular Camera and Film, and Extra Batteries Check with your doctor before you go into labor about the hospital's policy on taking pictures and videos in the delivery room. Bring plenty of film to capture those precious moments of your newborn's first minutes, hours and days.

Snacks You likely will not be eating or drinking much during labor, but the dad-to-be may want to fuel up without leaving you to find a snack machine! It's also nice to have a healthy snack for after delivery -- you may be starving and very thirsty (hey, having a baby is hard work!), and if it's the middle of the night you'll be grateful to have something to munch on.

Baby Book or Journal You may want to jot down some details in baby's book while everything is still fresh in your mind. And don't forget to see if baby's book has a place for newborn footprints -- you can have these done at the hospital.

Breast feeding book Bring a breastfeeding book or consider scheduling a lactation consultant to visit you after the baby is born. Some hospitals provide this service, but it's a good idea to double check with your provider and insurance company beforehand.

Car Seat This is a must. Your baby won't be allowed to ride home without a car seat!

I have the Carseat and I wouldnt have thought to pack the baby book. so It's a good list, all you other mothers out there, what do you think about this list? is there other stuff I should consider taking? guess I dont need to pack my swimsuit however I have always learned that It's good practise to pack regardless of where you're going. what do you think?
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Ever wonder about why we have the old tale about the stork bringing the baby?
Read Here.......http://www.doctorsecrets.com/your-kids/baby-stork-marks.html

My daddy turned 56 years old today

Happy Birthday DAd, I love you and know your the best dad because your mine! hope this next year is a blessing with health and peace for you. hugs and kisses from your oldest daughter

flying arms

Something I have felt during the long days of pregnancy is this strange sensation in both of my arms. It's hard to explain but Its as if I have to much weight in the rest of my body that my arms feel like they are too lite.
It really drives me crazy and I don't know what to do. I become figetty with my hands,,,not that my hands feel weird, but my arms just don't know what to do. I'll try crossing them but nothing really feels right. My arms feel like they just need to float up into the air away from the sides of my body. To put it out of my mind usually that takes a good couple distractions over the course of an hour.
This Arm sensation has been happening since early on in the pregnancy, like 4 months along I started noticing it. I didn't know what it was from . I thought maybe it was my body reacting to not having to exert huge forces from my arms for massage. That I had this emptiness running restlessly through my arms. But now It should have slowed down. since that was around the time I had to close up my business. I was missing the pressure or tightness in my shoulders and arms. But it's continued almost daily that I feel my arms want to move and push out some energy. Dont think its just from cancellng out my work, Now I think it's actually my body getting ready for holding my BaBy. My arms feel so empty and lite, like they need something to do or to hold. I really think its my baby that my hands and arms are yearning for.

I want to thank everyone for their gentle words of encouragement from the previous post. That topic has been a rough secret that I don't think others want to know or hear about but it's such a huge part of my situation that it really is so very difficult to keep bottled up.
being called a hero by some of you really has touched me and I want to thank you for being so sweet and for the praise. When a person is going through the healing process there is a lot of guilt that they feel for some reason, like it was my fault that it happened and it's so easy to fall and stay a victim, rising up out of the ashes and becoming strong enough to hold ones head up and talk about what happened is empowerment that every victim should do.
I want to try to maintain this feeling. I do feel so much better having voiced my story on blogger, however personal it is, I appreciate the reverence to my ordeal and the respect that you all have shown. I am going to try to continue to keep open about the truth. I feeel so much better having shared. Just one of those shameful things not most people want to deal with and I hope you don't think I'm having a pitty party for myself, being allowed to talk, really helps me deal with things and gets some of the pain out of me.
Yesturday was an emotional day for me just writing about being raped and i wasnt sure If I was going to actually post it but i did, and I thought that I would simply leave it posted for maybe an hour before deleeting it. I had so much anxiety over showing the truth and allowing it to be viewed and not being able to control who knew, but getting it said and then exposing it to the public made me feel like I was strong again. so I think I'll be leaving it for everyone to read.
I want to thank my loyal readers for their generous hearts and the words of praise. your comments have lifted my spirit to a new point in healing. I appriciate you all

Tiny print keeps things whispered

Not everyone uderstands what problems I have, dont try to share certain parts of my story just because for some reason, it's too shocking and people dont like to think in these ways.....I feel like i supose to hold the truth in and never get to breath air again. like the whole ordeal was tossed over board and I'm supose to allow it to drownd even though I'm still tied to it. Theres nothing to be done,,, so time just keeps ticking away and soon i'm going to have this baby.
This baby has not been given a daddy because this baby doesnt know. This baby may never know who it's real daddy is because i was gang raped. The Blackmen who raped me were not identified other then DNA from the rapekit at the hospital. I was blacked out and only remember 'flashes' of the assult. Detectives have botched the investigation, because of my limited memory, they only will go by hard evidence and of course the only person I could identify denies eveything. 'everyone else was having sex with her passed out on the ground, I was merely hosting the rape not participating " so this animal gets off scot free.....you have no idea how much pain and anger there is for me. I've finally gotten past the shame, I had to, my belly was growing with a baby inside. yes, I still feel shame when people look at me and know that I'm not married and are judging me.....but what no one understands or knows about is the rape.
Batman stepped up as a support for me and is claiming fatherhood, but what happens down the road when there is doubt of paternity. He's truly been my saviour and helped me deel with my fear. I dont know of anyother person that would be able to do what he has done. It's hard enough to accept the ups and downs of a pregnant woman, but to step in and do everything in his power to create a calm environment for me. To stay by my side during the healing of being raped.....I still have not gotten a chance to breath. My body was molested and used up, I was not able to recover and gain a sense of myself, Instead I had to accept my body's change and swallow my pain, and surrender myself to the abuse that pregnancy causes in a womans body.
What happens when this baby is born and it's not BAtmans? I sound like a slut not knowing who my baby's daddy is but that is not guilt that I should carry. There is so much pain and misery that I have to push aside just to deel with this pregnancy and keep it going.....this is why I'm seeing a shrink, Crime victims compensaiton Fund . I just need for them to cover the cost of a paternity test after the baby is born. nothing could be done before and DNA testing is going to set me back about a grand. the detective said he was going to stay ontop of my pregnancy and do what ever testing needed to be done but now he doesnt even call me back. No wonder the one guy I remember got away, Detective Woodside is a slacker! but I'm still pregant and going to have a baby in a couple of days.

Grusome honesty about my Family

Went and spent this evening with my unhappy parents. Both of them have had shoulder surgery in the past three weeks and can not do much for themselves. How it happen that they Both had to have surgery the same month is beyond me. Mom has been needing hers for several years on her left side, and Dad injured his breaking up a fight of women inmates on the job back in March and it's taken this long for workmans comp to take care of.
They are both so handicapped right now it's a joke. Thankfully neither injury is on the dominant arm. They look like Tweedle DEE and Tweedle Dumb with their arms taped up and strapped down with matching black arm braces. Guess I wont have to worry about Who gets to hold Avery first after she's born. I'm going to have my arms full.....hahaha, wish it was funny to laugh about. I feel so bad about their situation and hate that they chose this time to go and get cut on. It's a real struggle.

So back to how crazy my family is, Dad thinks that he's going to move my little sister in with me. He helped her get into her own apartment back in December and has paid for everything for her. Now that her lease is up, and because he's been helping out with some of my bills, HE thinks its ok to just move her into my life.........I'm so freekin mad!
HE asked Rachel what she wants to do but never considered my feelings.....What the hell!!!!

Rachel is 21 and should have been working to get on her own two feet during the past 9 months. The couple of times I have gotten to talk with her about her intentions, she says that she really wants to get out from under Dad, which sounds great but she shows no initiative. I offer to help her locate housing that is more affordable or better job for her, but she always says that she has it under control.......Well, if she thinks that I'm taking her in, guess she really doesn't have it 'under control'
OOOO I SO MAD! This is a problem between her and dad, not mine.

I'm about to be bringing a baby into this world and am trying to create a home and family environment for my baby, not a flop house for an irresponsible girl that wants to go out drinking and doesn't know how to keep house. I've been independent of my family for the past 10 years, up until this pregnancy and now suddenly I'm getting my little sister thrown at me........Not going to happen.

I've told her that if she needs a place to go, I'm here but that I'm not looking to cohabitate with another person that is unable to pay their way in the world.....I also recognize that Dad's just trying to consolidate his expenses....It shouldn't be like this. I feel so horrible for him, but more mad with my sister for putting him /us in this situation. She's had a silver spoon stuck in her mouth for too long. In the same way I was Cut off from the family when I was a teenager, She's going to have to learn some lessons too. It's so very unfortunate but ITS NOT MY PROBLEM and I WONT PUT UP WITH IT even if it means that I loose in the end. Loosing my daddies help with bills is not worth messing up the relationship and home life I'm trying so desperately to make for my baby.
Having Rachel here is not going to be helping me, she wouldn't be of any assistance here anyways, the girl doesn't know how to clean, cook, or anything.....So many times I've gone over to her FANCY SHMANCY apartment in the Sky that daddy paid for and furnished and cooked her and her Boyfriend a home cooked meal hoping to encourage her domestic side and get to hang out with her, in return I get thanked and asked when I'm going to cook for them again by her boyfriend.......Her boyfriend is a whole nother post. Lets just say, Dad bought this guy a brand new Dodge Durango and now that dad isn't going to pay for insurance on it, her boyfriend cant afford it and is going to have to just hand the car off to someone else (lets all just imagine that I'm the one that is picking up the slack here) Once again not my problem, but somehow my crazy family is trying to drag me into it.
Hello FAMIly! DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I'm 38 WEEKS PREGNANT!
I'm just going to crap this child out all over them and then see what happens,,,,I'M NOT A FIX TO ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS.