HNT- becoming a parent

fresh from the hospital last Sept 2005...notice the umbilical cord stub still on her tummy. If you look in the upper part of the picture you can see the plastic tub ("bassinet") that I kept on my nightstand for Avery.
She was so small to put in her crib and I was having a difficult time getting use to the baby monitor so I simply kept her on my nightstand and it worked quiet well for the first several weeks. I had heard of people using dresser drawers but really......that just didnt sound as comfy as a personal rubbermaid tub lined with blankets.

these days Avery is starting to show signs of being afraid of the floor. She'll go into a panic and act terrified that something is behind her and come bolting for my arms. If I dont pick her up with the momentum that she's coming at me, the girl starts climbing me and looks back over her shoulders as if there's something about to attack her. Do babies see monsters or is this from the chasing games her dad and I play with her in the evenings? Its getting pretty ridiculous.
If after I pick her up and comfort her and distract her for a minute or two, Avery still refuses to be put back anywhere on the floor. Even if I'm sitting directly next to her and she can climb over my legs, she still jumps to be up in my arms and being held....its a panic situtaion and I dont understand where its coming from. Could be that she's afraid that she might learn to walk if she's given too much time on her own outside of my embrace.

This day one year ago I was walking the mall for the second day in a row and batman treated me to a Godiva Chocolate shake....I just remember feeling so ridiulous knowing I was in labor and having contractions every 7 minutes and wondering if the people around knew what I was doing and if they felt nervous or uncomfortable at the thought of a woman walking the public mall and stopping to lean on aquariums while the contractions passed. I'll never forget that blue fish that stopped to look at me and watched.

Joe pool lake

batman's buddy from Colorado came down for a vacation and we rented a boat for out at the lake this last weekend. I wasnt so sure I really wanted to take Avery out on the water let alone get my stomach bounced around by a ski boat . the weather has been up around 104 degrees and my last OB visit, the Doc told me that I really need to stay off my feet as much as possible but in the efforts of having a fun family weekend I was willing to give it a go. BAtman loves the lake and I'm terrified if I cant see my feet below me but I did it and avery had a terrific time. thankfully she's got her daddies skin and instead of burning, she just turns brown. I on the otherhand used sunblock on my tummy and tops of my breast but failed to keep my back covered and now my skin iches and feels tight. Batman sliced up some of my alovera and slimed it around my sunburn and it's helped.
i'm so drained after all the activity and sun and banging around on a boat. thankfully Benjamin seems to be doing fine and is kicking the crap out of me still so the jostling didnt affect his wellbeing.

my husband rocked my world lastnight. and I feel so much closer and in love with him and I want to be a more supportive wife.......
wish he could make the connection that a sexually satisfied woman= a good wife for him.
its been a rough last few months for us and emotionally things havent been adding up so the lovin' dried up and then resentment set in and all the undesirable notions of being pregnant and the overall frustration of not feeling connected...it was a mess but somehow we managed around it all and He's continued to be sweet so things are looking fresh and up for now.
I love being in love and I love loving my husband.

you know what he told me lastnight? we were watching a movie, MUSTLOVEDOGS and there's a scene where the woman says her ex-husband just stopped loving her....well, my eyes started to well up and batman grabs my hand and said that he would always love me. that no matter what life brought his way, his love for me would never stop.
I know we're married but topics to the reverse of that have been in the air and its painful but to hear him say those words again to me makes all the bad spots go away or at least help cover them with some happiness. I needed to hear that

funny things about my daughter

while crawling, she'll suddenly drop her whole body to the earth and lay her face down if she gets startled........she'ld be great for the military

if she digs through my purse, she'll go straight to my wallet and open it pulling all my cards and Id out.

she dances doing the twist though she doesnt know how to even stand up on her own yet. my sister taught her to swing her elbows around her waist and anytime she hears music, thats what she does

she's a girlie girl and loves her shoes and dressing up in fancy jewelry. mom just gave her a first watch, a little pink digital one and she wont take it off

we think she said her first words :" Do again"
while listening to a musical stuffed bear, the song ended and avery sounded out "do 'gain" . I wasnt present but Its very possible those could have been actual words for her

She knows how to call the cats. her voice gets all highpitch and she starts slapping the ground next to her for the cats to come and sit with her. (our cats are more like dogs in this manner)

HNT- BAd News Brunette the coppy cat

earrings......from my friends mother...she's now gone on to decorating flip flops so anybody want a pair? not quite the showercap that bad news blonde wears but the same stuff hangs in our shower caddy. http://badnewsblonde.blogspot.com/



not a cartoon but its my life....walking the halls with my daughter. we're down to using one hand at the moment so hopefully her walking on her own is just around the corner (and before her baby brother is born) we've got aprox. 5 weeks till C-section date *tremble*
if you want to know more about HNT, check out the link to the HNT Osbasso in my links............

Who's the funny girl?

batman finally gave avery another bath lastnight. (lastime he did bath duty was back in May) he seems to think that I need to get some sort of nanny for the last month of this pregnancy and we've asked my sister to setp up her Aunty duties (she was suppose to be here today and yesturday but I guess Avery is a messed up child and Rachel doesnt want to be around us...not really, she's just not all that reliable and this is who i have to entrust my baby with while I'm at the hospital) I dont know How I'm going to do this thing
I had a nightmare, the WORST EVER that Avery was taken from me and put in some sort of childcare/fostercare and I had to complete all these stupid requirements before I could regain my parental rights with her. they were making me do lunges and stand on one leg and balance myself ...(I must have been having leg cramps in my sleep)....but In my dream I'm crying to the authorities saying that I'm frickin 30lbs overweight with a pregnancy and my legs cant possibly do everything they are expecting me to do and Why cant I have my Avery girl back?
It was so emotional and upsetting and my heart just tore out of my chest..
I woke up and realized that it was all just a dream and I wanted to go wake avery up to hold and love on her.

some other news < I've got a MAry Kay rep. coming to my house tomorrow afternoon to give me a facial makeup makeover or something....I just hope she doesnt do anything to my skin that makes me break out right before I give birth. How I got suckered into having her come over is beyond me. I was walking around TArget picking up some socks and panties and a lady stops me to talk about how cute avery is and offers me a hand lotion sample and next thing I know she's got a palmpilot out and scheduling to come to my house to treat me to something. (10 minutes without avery screaming while I take a shower might get me to buy something but I guess they dont bribe like that)

this weekend we went across town to visit Batmans stepdads' parents and extended family. Batman has a couple stepcousins and they are the only grandCHildren so when avery arrived....she joined the kiddie pool of play and I got to see a whole new child in front of me. Chad is 7? and Tonya just turned 14 and my 11monthold daughter just totally loved them. for hours SHe played with the kids sitting on the bed in the spare room while they tossed around Arial tennis and continued crawling around on the floor while they did hide and seek through out the house. I was so proud of my baby for keeping up ....there was a new look in her eyes, a hungry look for comunication and exploriation of social workings. She was not just Miss popular cause she was the baby and cute, she was a part of the group and new how to hang. it was also nice getting to join the adult conversation and not be distracted with a fussy girl all day long. I really needed the break and the interaction i think
look hOw sweaty the kids got playing....avery was so tired andworn out lastnight when we got home but I know she had such a blast!
i talked with the phone people and as long as i have $90 out to them by this evening i'll stay connected. I told them a big story about being 8months pregnant and left at home with a 11 month old baby and we had to have our phone service incase of an emergency...they were very nice but it has to be by tonight. i hope batman doesnt make me into a liar with these folks. it was suppose to be paid on the 7th but I dont have any control over money these days and it sucks big time. I'm realizing what a control freak i really use to be and the feeling of having, "lost it" (emotionally , physically, mentally) all stems from not holding the reigns anymore.

warning

so If i dont post something for awhile.....
our phonebill didnt get paid on the 7th and they called on wednesday asking when we would pay it and i told them , my husband gets paid later in the week and we should be able to take care of the bill on Friday, that i would pay online
well, yesterday was friday and I didnt get to the bank and now for whatever reasons, we dont have the funds to put in the bank so I dont know if my DSL is going to get cut and if they do cut me off, when it will be
just an update so you guys dont fret too much over what might have happend.
batman says he'll get the money and the bill will be paid, just not sure when. I swear we're going to have to put the bills in his name cause me not working and keeping track of things is going to ruin me.
happy weekend yall~ I'll be back

this picture is more personal then any other I have publish so far. Seeing Avery with her new set of teeth makes me feel so vulnerable, I realize that my baby is growing up and time stops for no one. I see her baby gums disappear and a child's smile takes its place. Her new set of teeth will be replaced one day with adult teeth and then on to braces... My heart simply aches...Why cant we stay this way forever?
my baby girl will have to grow and age and learn to talk and its all passing so quickly without any notice...Its all going to be over by the time I wake up tomorrow and I'll say, "where did the time go? Where's my little baby girl at?"
as I see her new baby teeth come in it brings me back to when I was a small girl. All my childhood photos I had a huge gap in the front of my mouth from where I knocked out my front tooth. My Mother tells the story that at the age of two , I was over visiting with friends and running through their house and I tripped and fell over the foot of a chair causing my tooth to come out, the whole tooth and Root.
Mom was crying upset but I recovered quickly and continued to play. And the next Five years I had a gaping hole in my smile (I think it might have helped develop my personality as a child). Mom worried that I would always have the hole in my mouth but eventually by the time I turned 7 and my adult teeth were coming in...Everything looked and grew back fine.

I always fear that something is going to happen to Avery ....That at any moment there could be a life altering accident that occurs and the baby face I have gotten acquainted with could be gone or disfigured. (I don't mean to sound vane) but I worry that any moment could change the rest of our lives as we know it.
Already with her new teeth coming in, life will never be the same and I have to watch as my daughter grows out of babyhood and her appearance changes. Its a sobering thought of motherhood

ps, I'm also upset that no one commented how I coordinated the leopard print...Does no body notice fashion these days? :)

More Shit talking

went to the OB for my 32wk. check up (8 months now!) and he measured my tummy saying "GOOD GROWTH"
dont know if he was referring to me or the baby, but I'll take the compliment.
I told him that I want to have the baby out of me and he warned me saying it was too early that if we delivered now, the baby would have to come home on a respirator (lungs arent quite developed yet) I 'm just done being pregnant. its next to impossible to care for Avery when I've got such a large tummy. its become difficult for me to get up and down from the floor with her. I cant carry her on my hip because it pulls my back out and everyday I have THROBBING pain in my mid/lower back and they dont allow prego's to take anything for relief. someday's i get to take a Hot bath but usually that's not untill well after the day has ended and Avery is in bed. I hate being pregnant. but on the bright side of things I got my Doc to prescribe me Miralax so maybe I'll get to poop. the last two months and my regularity has dropped to about once a week and that's with stool softners....I know, thats more then any of you care to read but I'm excited at the thought of some relief. now if only I can find a way not to have Avery pulling up on my knee while I go potty things might be more comfortable.

It was my dad's birthday Sunday and the family took him out to Macaroni Grill. first time since April for Batman to be around my dad. there was a huge effort on both sides to make peace and get along so i'm proud of them. Its been ackward these past several months for me to take avery over to visit my parents simply because of the beef going on between my Dad and batman but I'm thinking it might have been settled and put in the past. still would be nice to hear an apology but I doubt that'll ever happen. Just want everyone to be able to be friendly and not say hateful words. life is short, my father is getting older and I dont like having the grandchild stuck in the middle of a family fued. Happy Birthday Daddy!

Worst night in a long time

finally climbed into our broken bed (it fell off the frame Wednesday night as Batman was sitting down on his side) so we're sitting much lower on the floor currently and I kinda like it.
but next moment Batman is sawing logs and the news hasn't even come on ......So I roll over and get no more loving like usuall and watch a plethora of news and latenight and its boring and stupid and batman is loud snoring and his elbow is taking up the whole middle of the bed....I'm frustrated so I decide if you cant beat 'em :join them so I turn the tube off and try and find a comfy spot of my back to cram his elbow into
Avery is up at one point.
I have two more trips to the bathroom to urinate and its only 3 am
then slowly its 3:30,
and then 4 and then 4:30 and I'm getting mad that I've gotten no sleep so I take another trip to the bathroom
then the dream starts and I'm reluctant to even mention this dream because it was so powerful .
I was dancing in the moon light with shadows and witches and my lesbian girlfriends are with me and then we go into this house that is possessed . Mind you that I said the house was possessed, not haunted because the people inside were wicked and evil and all women, old and crinkly with poor eyesight and braids in their hair and the lazy eyed one poked me in the stomach and I yelled for her to stop , that I was pregnant but the witch thrilled with her evilself punched me in the tummy again.
My girlfriend was there and I was trying to tell them to hurry up and we needed to get out and then *poof* my girlfriend was just gone and I was alone in this house with all the chaos coming after me. The fat monster in the basement was almost at the top of the stairs, the tummy puncher was hiding somewhere ....It was horrible.
then as I'm trying to finish my dream, I'm driving my car on the highway and I'm panicked and trying to call Batman but the Cellphone isn't working and the gauges on my car are going haywire. I think I''ve got a flat and I'm running out of gas and I'm overheating all at the same time but I cant make anysense of the warning lights on my dashboard. I managed to get away from the house but now my car is acting like its possessed and Avery is in her carseat in the back not really asleep but not really awake and She's choking on something or has something in her mouth and I'm freakin out that she's been poisoned by the witches

v w43e v v b nrt/ jhgytfti99hdjnffk

no the computer isn't possessed, just Avery telling herside of the dream :)

but I finally wake from this state of terror and its only 5:30 so I've got awhole nother hour to have reruns going through my head.
one hour of sleep and its horrible dreams....
no more AnneHatheway before bedtime (she was the guest on letterman)

the men in my day

I'm embarrrassed, I thoughts yesterday was Tuesday and when the lawnmower guys started up their racket out side of Avery's nursery window , I was getting all upset thinking they came a day early and wanted to yell at them why they couldnt just stick to doing the yard on Wednesdays like all the other wednesdays in prior weeks and months of them disturbing my baby's nap. my blood was really boiling and i guess it was a good thing i dont speek Spanish or I might have actually said something to the lawn guys and then I would have looked like the dumbest pregnant lady around.

some other news, we've been having trouble with Ants getting into our kitchen. this has been going on for the last year of us living in this apartment and each month we've called to complain to the office and occasionally they'll send out a pest control guy with a canister and wand to spray around the cracks and windows and suspicious areas.
well, yesterday afternoon, the bug guy came knocking and this time it was some older fellow. ( the regular guy was creepy and looked like he might have taken sniffs from the wand) but as soon as i opened the door , the new older bugman says "Oh, I cant do anything with you in your condition. you have to be gone and out of the house for at least 2 hours after we spray"
I laughed because they had been in our home a month ealier and batman was furious that they had sprayed without notice and we came home to a stinking fog of pesticides all throughout the home. Why werent they concerned with my pregnant tummy back in June?

Avery's first piece of Art

.....................now I have an excuse to go take a shower

31 weeks into this pregnancy and I have 54 days left till they slice me open. My memory of my c-section with Avery isn't so bad but I'm beginning to think the "new mother amneisisa" that helps women forget the pain of childbirth really affects C-sections as well.
I remember it being late at night and I couldn't bare the contractions and I didn't know how to begin the next step in delivering my 41 week baby without getting checked by the hospital. I was hoping they would say something like "my god woman! This baby is about to jump out of you! Here, take this medicine that will make your back pain disappear while we finish up delivering for you"
I was simply so exhausted and after they had me on the monitors for 20min. They rush in and tell me that the baby is in distress and I need to get the baby out with emergency c section.
oh my goodness, those words freaked me out so bad! I was hardly dilated past a 1 1/2 (my body moves slowly) and the contractions had been going steady for two days whereing my body out and the baby still unborn inside of me.
it was about 3 in the morning and I was being told that the baby I had been so carefully growing inside of me was suddenly not alright. I was scared for my baby but also terrified because I just never thought I was going to birth my baby "unnaturally" in a surgery room and my brain just wasn't prepared for that concept.
I vaguely remember screaming and yelling and cursing my "stupid F***ing Doctor" for about 2 minutes while they got me hook up to an IV and ready to roll into surgery.
I had never been in a surgery room. It was cold and the ceiling went on forever, kinda like an open gateway to heaven. I guess I just couldn't focus on anything. They had me sit on the table that looked like tables you see used to lethally inject criminals .The arms laid out to the side like a crucifix and had straps for the wrist and everything ,very spooky! I begin to look around and see there in the corner a scrubbed person laying out shiny silver instruments and its all so alien and foreign and I begin to have whispers of alien abduction in the back of my head. So I quickly tune it all out not wanting to get more terrified . I rember thinking that I was feeling the last of my contractions as they told me I was getting a spinal put in. I noticed my legs dangling from the side of the surgery table and how much I was shaking and the nurse who was helping hold me upright asked if I was ok...
I looked at her scared and asked her why my legs were shivering, if it was really that Cold in the surgery room and she said yes it was a little cool but that I was having spasms because of my excitement and nerves.
I felt cold wetness in the middle of my back and the anesthesiologists said I would feel a small prick. I don't think I could have felt any more fear at that moment...My body was out of control and I couldn't have run away if I wanted to .The masked aliens were about to take my baby. I had to take that shot in my back and the only way to explain the sensation was a sudden HEAT flushing through my body starting up near my right cheek and rushing down my arms and body and thighs and I'm sitting on the edge of this lethal injection table and I just begin panting the words "HOT, HOT Hot , Hot" over and over. The nurse helping hold me up (they had me lean forward over my belly to expose my vertebra) asked me what was wrong...And I told her that I had this rushing of boiling blood run a course through me and she was relieved because it was only the medicine from the spinal and I noticed that my feet felt like I had cement blocks on them dangling from my legs on the table.
the nurse instructed me to try and lay back on the table and I was confused how they expected me to even move when I couldn't have raised my arms at that moment . If the back of the table had been behind me, I was sure I could have just fallen over in that direction but I was sitting sideways and the head to the table was on my right. I was so confused how I was suppose to get my head way over there when the cement blocks were trying to pull me to the floor. My body was SO heavy. The nurse must have seen my confusion and told me that she would help me get my legs up and swivel my body over if I could just aim my head for the top of the table.
Somehow I managed and once I was down in a horizontal position, I knew I was not moving anywhere. Thankfully at this moment I recognize my Doctor (all this time at the hospital and I still had not seen his face) or at least the glasses and blue eyes behind the medical mask and he's all dressed for surgery in a light blue hat and gown and we make eye contact but he doesn't even speak to me. He's busy giving out instructions to the other blue people with rubbery hands. Suddenly there's a curtain being pulled in front of my face and I realize that Batman still wasn't there so I make a panicked request for him to be brought in.
the staff at the hospital had said he could be there but just not for when I was getting the spinal. So it feels rather rushed and batman shows up at my side with a silly excited smirk on his face and he's there on my left side and the anesthesiologist tells him to go ahead and hold my hands because even with the drugs, my fingers are bouncing around with excitement though they have been strapped down to the table. and I can only see this beautiful blue curtain in front of me and i'm wondering if the surgery team will say something before they start cutting or if BAtman will say something when they do start to cut and I'm looking up at his face trying to see if he's going to give any sign that they have started and a moment goes by and Im trying to get the gas mask off my face cause I'm feeling nauseas but no one can hear me and I cant move any parts of my body. I have to ask several times or what felt like yelling to get the attention of anyone there and the Anesthesiologist (I'm gonna learn how to spell that dang word ) who stayed at the top of my head with all his trickets of measuring my pulse and breath and finally heard that I wanted to get the gas mask off , he pulled it slightly to the side allowing me to have some natural oxygen and the sick feeling went away. It must have been nitrus for my nerves or something but anyway back to the beautiful blue curtain..... I hear my doctor say something like:" Now you will feel a bit of pressure" and I'm thinking to myself stay calm and Omy God he's about to cut me and what if I feel it and the next moment I feel my body being smooshed upward and I'm rolling on my backfat towards my head as though somebody were rocking me up and then my body begins to relax back down to its original position and then I hear the best thing in the world. I hear these strong baby cries and tears start flowing down my cheeks.
the doctors had me so scared about needing to get this baby out but HER voice was so Strong and amazing and healthy and wonderful. My Avery girl was born and outside my body and turning all the beautiful shades of pink and red with every scream that she gave off.
The curtain was still up and I had to wait an extra minute while they cleaned her off to the leftside of me and BAtman walked over to watch them towel her and grade her condition.
they brought her over to my head so I could see her up close and she had such black beedy eyes with dark curly wet hair...She was nothing like what I had imagined but she was more stunning then I could have dreamed. She was mine and as I turned my head to the side to kiss her on her forehead, my silly little Avery turn her own head towards me and I missed her head and kissed her on her Right eye ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

alright, I'm going to continue this at a later time
I'm going to run spell check and Imagine its going to take a year to get through this post. I'll be back with part two soon.