MY MAN RIddler

(posted for Sarah)
he came to me one night 7 years ago, a gift form god. I had been driving around with cat litter and box in the trunk of my car for several weeks just waiting for the right cat to come into my life.
one stormy night, I was hanging out at a girlfriends house having drinks and laughing when there was a sound at the door. Me , being the one closest , got up and answered the door and in rushed this little tiny white scared kitten looking for shelter . I knew he was the one for me....I had a place just waiting to care for him. Riddler is soooo tough, he eats cactus to keep his claws and teeth sharp!
He's been the best thing in my life, never any trouble but always a little weird. First I called him Boing because he jumped off the walls and straight into the air reaching about eye level and scarring me....that is untill i got him fixed. then his name became Johnny
and it wasnt untill BATman met him , that the name Riddler occured. Being all White except for his tail and boy parts that he always carried up in a question mark shape....it just seemed fitting to have the name Riddler. pluss it kept up with the BATMAN theme.

yesterday I got my haircut . I trusted batman to do it and its short..still past my shoulders but alot shorter ....cute i guess, just not use to it.
I made oatmeal Chocolatchip cookies
visited my MIL at the hospital for her KNEe replacement surgery
Helped my husband clean the trash up from our back porch.
He was trying to do his husbandly duties and finally empited the cat litter boxes but he's not smart about it and put it in the regualr garbage bag and it ended up tearing and dumping all over our side yard where are neighbors have to pass. talk about embarrasing , I couldnt stop laughing about it. there was all our trash spewed about the walkway, stinking up the outside and visually disrupting any sense of descensy. Avery's dirty diapers, cat litter and turds, everywhere.... so much for a handy man.
he did cook dinner lastnight...porkchops (way too spicy and I really am not all that hungry towards the end of the day) most of this pregnant apitite has slowed down after I get my lunch.
so that was my thursday.
today is friday and we still need to round up $250 before Monday at 3pm for our rent......
I cant ask for any help from my family and his family has no money but if he understood how desperate we are, he would at least bother to ask.
would it be wrong of me to ask them for him? I know this is probably the wrong attitude but our entire relationship is at stake here. If I end up having to go to my parents...he can totally kiss this 'family' goodbye.
He hasnt taken any concern to care for us.....he threatend me that he would leave me if I didnt have this new baby but he cant even provide for the one baby we already have. guess I should save this GUNS&GF
Today is Avery's last day to be 9 months. I was looking at her top gums and you can already see these little white bumps that will be making their appreance soon. I started crying because it breaks my heart to think of my baby girl growing up and having a mouth full of crooked teeth. Her soft baby gums will be gone forever .
Happy WEEKend

the drive through banker stuck a lolli in the can....(i'm such a bad mommy giving my 9month a choking hazzard) but look at that face.... an email I liked:
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKINGTHROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY THEY HAD ANARGUMENT AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,WROTE IN THE SAND: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,WHERE THEY DECIDEDTO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEENSLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THEMIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM. AFTER HE RECOVERED FROMTHE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE: TODAY MY BEST FRIENDSAVED MY LIFE.
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPEDAND SAVED HIS BEST FRIENDASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"
THE OTHER FRIEND REPLIED"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWNIN SAND WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.
"LEARN TO WRITEYOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

batman was suppose to start a job this morning but hasnt been able to get in touch with the boss man....still trying to stay positive that we wont be homeless next week and that somehow he'll bring home rent$. so tired of talking about it and i really cant think like that right now. something will happen somehow.

this weekend was nice. we spent saturday visiting His parents and went to lunch at some steakhouse...i'm not really a big steak lover but i got this 1/2 burger and was kinda disappointed with it but felt presured to order something bloody. Avery stuffed her face eating the sides of brocoli, cauliflower, green beans and mashed potatos and just loved all the attention she was getting from her grandparents. only thing that iritates me about those people is that by the time we got to their house at noon....we had to wait on them for at least an hour if not longer before we got to head out the door. it was past 2 before we had lunch served to us and a hungry baby and pregnant mommy dont like waiting. and then when luch was finally over ...the rest of the group was ordering more drinks and just goofing off , leaving me to deal with a cranky sleepy baby. I tried to tell them that AVery was getting sleepy and really needed to go take her afternoon nap but nobody seemed to hear me or care. it was frustrating because so often I feel like I'm the only one that takes care of this little girl. granted it was a social activity but these people dont understand the time limits a baby has. when they call to invite us to lunch, I shouldnt have to think that maybe I need to eat before heading over because you are going to drag everything out and its going to be well into Avery's nap time before we see a morsle of food. ARgh, more frustration...i know. I'm not so happy with my life but I have to make the most of it.
any way, we kinda got them back and left avery to nap at her grandparnets home while Batman and I took a trip to the movie theatre. I hadnt seen a movie at the theatre since last Summer when we went to Charlie and the Chocolate factory. We dont have any reliable babysitters for Avery so this weekend was a real treat. I didnt worry much about her being away from me because I figured her slow granny could figure out the difficulties of manageing a baby and realize what I put up with everyday, everyhour. I needed the break.
So Batman and I saw the Adam Sandler movie CLick and it was terrific. at several points in the movie I felt like I just wanted to break down and cry....there were sence that just hit close to home as far as the arguing between the husband and wife and how to raise the kids....but I held the tears back untill I looked over and saw that BAtmans eyes were all red and wet with tears. I've never known him to cry at a movie...shoot! I've never known that man to cry and he prides himself of that issue. but we kinda had a breakthrough because of the movie Click. It was an eye opener for him, and we talked a little about it after we left the theatre. seriously it felt like we had a months worth of counseling from going to see this movie. He admitted that he's been on autopilot and fastforwarding through his life and that he's missing out on Avery's childhood..... at least he's realizing some faults. since the trip to the movies, he's been a little more helpful and active with his daughter. there are still some times that need a little adjusting. he gets frustrated because she's happier with me, so that anytime she fusses...he just wants to hand her off saying that she only wants to be in my care. that not true.....the problem lies in that she doesnt find sitting in his lap while he plays stupid video games to be stimulating and he needs to focus his attention on the baby again. hopefully , this new found effort will keep in effect.

the picture below is from several month ago when avery was about 5 months.

I've not managed to get time to Blog....for some reason there was more time for it while Batman was away. Now with him here, I find that he's the one always on the computer (not to mention I'm afraid if he actually reads my stuff on here)...he gets quite critical at times and nothing I say is acurate or true in his eyes so I just dont care for him to read my private online journal .
today was a good day. I packed a lunch and said that we were going to have a picnic at the park...batman got all pissy saying , 'so you're telling me where I get to eat my lunch?'
Come on! I frickin made your lunch....if I serve it in the bedroom vs. the dinning room does it matter? he just loves to start a comotion.
anyways I got his grumpy butt to put some shoes on and head out the door with Avery and I for a picnic at the park. He had mentioned taking avery out last week and never did so I thought I would help make things happen since all he was doing was playing his stupid KUMA WAR on the pc. this morning (and all day yesterday)
it was overcast so the Texas sun wasnt beating down too hard. we ate our lunch in uncomfortable silence , I could tell he was still in a humffy mood...I just wanted to lift it a small bit and invited him to take avery onto the playground swings knowing that she just cracks up with laughter when ever I've put her on the baby swings before. I packed up the picnic while He got her situtated and when I got there both were having a good time. after a few minutes...the humidity was swelltering and we looked around the playground for other activities for aVery. He climbed the equipment and slid downt the tunnel slide with her a couple of times.. she seamed to enjoy the climb up more then the slide down , but again after only a few times the humidity just overwhelmed so I advised him to try the adult swing with her in his lap (she has enjoyed this with me several times before and I wanted to share the fun with him) and they had a wonderful time swinging. She was just giggling and snorting and laughing her poor little head off, I think somehow it might have been making her dizzy because she kept dropping her head a bit.
so the park was a success. he even took her for a stroll around the duck pound. I'm glad i was able to get Batman to join us out for a picnic.
after her short nap I got him to go to the neighborhood pool with us which is quite unusual. typically he's so adverse to going swiming in a pool because of all the germs and whatnot but he'll gladly swim in a murky lake or pond...I just get the willies not being able to see the botom of where I'm swimming so I stick to pools with clear water or at least running rivers.
so between the picnic and the pool we had a fatastic time getting along and having fun with our baby. He's on his way home right now with a chocolate milkshake for me so I have to end this here.

Happy First day of Summer

Fathers day was a wreck. (for deeper detail: Guns and Greasefireblog ) Batman kept saying that he didnt want to do anything for father's day since we didnt do anything for Mother's day for me.....I took him at his word and really didnt recognize Father's day for him. I mean , we went out for a bit of lunch on Saturday and I gave him Avery's Birth certificate that had been updated with his name listed as her birth father and now her last name is fixed so that was kinda special. Batman seemed to be pleased but when Sunday rolled around, we (avery and I ) wanted to run out to my fathers and give him a little gift that avery and I had made and when we returned home...batman was quite irritated yelling that I hadnt even wished him a happy father's day yet and it was afternoon.
Uhm,. I though he didnt want to recognize father's day for him?! I so frickin confused, I mean, he's worse then a woman . I just cant win with him
Monday I had checkup with the Doctor....still pregnant and due for mid Sept. aprox. 25 weeks and I gained a totall 4 pounds this last month so I'm doing alright. I feel like I put on about 12lbs and my stomach is just a ball of blubber.....I thinkI'm carring this baby a little lower then I did with AVery. and it feels like I'm about to burst but realize that i have another 3 months to go and I cringe. I still have 24lbs before I reach my Max limit on weightgain, but I've heard that 2nd pregnancys you gain more then you do on your first...anybody else hear that before? I dont know if I agree....I do know that getting up and down from the floor with Avery is increasingly more difficult and my bottom is spreading out. to quote Jennifer Garner: "you have to build the foundation before you can build the house"

the Mavericks are sucking Big time and I'm about to start cheering for Miami Heat. Tonight is Game 6 and Dallas HAS GOT TO WIN THIS ONE or we're out. its 2-3 right now and I just cant feel proud of the MAVS when they have been playing like crap next to Miami. we're slow and cant shoot and it's going to be a miracle if we make it tonight. I'll be super proud but also super blown away if we win.
thinking about cutting my hair...avery's begun pulling it for entertainment pluss I just look old and raggedy. I'm pushing 30 and this long hair is getting thin and I never style it other then to throw it in a ponytail. the last time I made it into the Salon was back in Janurary and thats too long for me to neglect my hair. I'm looking horrible these days and Ive been looking back at last summer when I was pregnatn with Avery and had cute shoulderlength hair. still a little chicken to go under the siccors....maybe I'll make it into something thrilling and let Batman have at it. He's ready to give me a trim (as long as he doesnt break out the clippers)


Man, the Mavs need to win tonight cause I'm getting really depressed here.
baby's up from her nap. catch you all someother time.

Is this Britney Spears enough

Go MAVS!

http://www.nba.com/mavericks/
tonight is game 3 in Miami.....should we place some bets? if the dallas mavericks win the finals, I'll stay with K-fed (aka Batman) if the miami Heat takes it...........
any body else hear about britney spears breakdown ? scary whats going on with that girl and my life. we've both given birth to our first children same week last fall and are pregnatn wrecks again. Maybe I should be rootin' for Miami, dont know , I 'm kinda on the line about everything these days

Monday's Mantra

I am at peace with the Universe.
I am safe and always feel protected.
I do all I can everyday to make a loving enviornment for all those around me, including myself.
I have abundant energy, vitality and well being
I love and care for my body and it cares for me
I am a success in all that i do
The more I love , the more love is returned to me.
Love is eternal and everlasting
I nurture my inner child, love her and have allowed her to heal
I am a success in all that I do
Everything I touch returns riches to me.



I couldnt sleep this morning. so much is going on in my head...its monday and the rest of the world is going about starting their work week and my house feels more like a Saturday with all the slumber going on. I remember back when I was working....Mondays really werent Huge business days, maybe a couple of appointments in the later half of the day. I miss working and have taken the last year off to be a mommy so I've lost contact with most of my clientle. 8 years of building a massage practice and Its evaporated. I occasionally get a phone call from a wondering person asking when I'll be back to work.

I got to talk with my little Brother about his new positon in life. He's going to be a daddy in February and wanted to let me know that he's got Dibs on the name Rhett Amber (dont know if its a girl or boy but He's got the name picked out) He's going to make such an excelent Dad. he's been the best Uncle to Avery by far and just lights up with entertainment anytime He's around us. His Girlfriend I'm not sure about. I've met her once and she seems like a nice girl ,she has a thing for EArrings so I like that about her. I get the feeling they will be having a boy. i'm so excited I'm going to be an Aunt! and Avery is getting a little Cousin! my bro is an overachiever and is switching out colleges next fall for something closer to home (parents hm) where he will be moving in his girlfriend and baby...... there was some crazy talk that when batman and I swallow our pride, we can move into the families home and just make the upstairs a huge baby nursery........
so much is wrong with that and it could take me hours of discribing the disfuntions of my drunk dad and handicapped (mental/physically) Mother and Why I would rather perfer to live under a bridge then inflict uppon my children the trauma of my parents disorders.....it has nothing to do with pride. I lost it awhile ago. It has to do with Selfpreservation and Family success. Do they really think I should put my family under the same roof of the people that threatened to Kill my husband 4 days ago? that should tell you how loony everyone is. But I wish the best for my Brother and his efforts in life. I'm sure its not so bad when you havent seen how green and pleasant it is outside of the pasture of my parents Dilusion. Dont get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm guessing they did the best they could but they really should be more diligent about their mental health. its not right to raise your teenage daughter telling her Daily that she's worthless and a slut and wont get anywhere in life......and they call my departure from the home "Rebelion"
I guess now that I have stuff off my chest here I should add one more Affirmation:

I am loving and accepting of others, and this creates lasting freindships for me.

Thoughts of the mindless

Batman is home now and Avery is happy
the whole house feels happier (more crowded) but there is comfort
My dad tells me I need to divorce Batman.....he brought home absolutely NO money
In 6weeks, I've seen $200
Dad offered to Shoot Batman
I might have my internet and phone disconected.
we might be homeless come July
We wont be moving to Colorado....Batman was 'working' his butt off but really it was more like summer camp with his friends for him. He tells me not to worry and that things will be ok.
He's home now and unemployed.
He hasnt made a single call to either of the two different job leads I have for him.
He says he needs a break and will get to it.
My father wont be helping us out anymore. I dont know what I'm suppose to do. There's rumors that my little Bro (20) is fathering a child this next spring. I havent been told exactly but my sister leaked the info accidentaly.
My life SUCKS
I wish I wasnt pregnant. I feel so helpless but at the same time I'm so desperate.
I dont want this sort of life. Why cant my husband act like a responsable adult.
the Other $200 he had last Friday and was suppose to wire to me to pay our rent.....HE didnt want to spend it so instead he gives it to his buddy as a "loan".
We'll never see the money, or if we do, its not going to be in one lump sum or anytime soon.
So in total of 5 weeks of work, my dear husband brought in $400 (I'm embarrased)
WHy doesnt my husband's brain work? or better yet, WHy doesnt it make any sense to me?
All the time I have to hear how I dont have a bit of common sense and the fool wants to give his hard earned last dime to his buddy cause He doesnt want to spend it?!
HE should've just given it to his family (the people that he's suppose to be supporting) so we can pay for our expenses in life.
I'm the definition of Poor white Trash

HNT- 9 month Check up

Avery in the waiting room. We're going to have to get her some of those "little people" chairs cause she just loved sitting up in them and trying to scoot around. Hope there weren't too many germs on that table.....I wasn't comfortable with her touching the beads and courses, just imagining all the other snotty nosed children that contaminated the table.
Avery was such a Wild girl tearing up the paper on the exam table.....No shots till her 12 month well baby visit. I figured she could get a little crazy and it wouldn't matter. We were there to see the doctor and show off how healthy my little animal is.
I've been having immense trouble posting on Blogger this week. Nothing is posting so If you read this its a miracle
Batman is coming home....This job up in Co. Turned out to be a joke and its painful for him to realize its not working out. Don't really want to write about it again, just wish the post this morning hadn't gotten lost. It was juicy Gossip and had a dream from lastnight about the dead snake biting me.
I received a comment saying I should post pictures of mydear sweet Avery so For this HNT I give you her 9 month checkup instead of my shoulder mole. I'll save the other one for next week.
Happy HalfNekkid Thursday yall

I dream of Neil

Last night in a dream I had:
there was a family in an old house and it was a relaxed afternoon of playing boardgames/cards when one of the young brothers noticed the flies in the house were flying on their sides. We look out the window and the whole world is turning upside down....No destruction is happening just the balance of the universe was shifting and we were inside the old farmhouse upside down similar to the Poseidon story.
I step out on to the front doorsteps and have a envelope handed to me so I open it and read several pages of a letter that express desire for me ,to be His love and there are pictures of him and his old car and I recognize that the photos were taken from the field behind the house (its an old farm house with rolling meadows and space all around.) I don't know what I totally think of his letter because he's still married and I recognize that he's never been faithful to his wife but has been running around lost looking for something to fufill him but I'm curious to know why after all these years he's asking to be with me.
the evening of the same day arrives and the animals of the farm all return and the rooster is crowing to announce the darkening sky and I find myself walking into a giant arena similar to a circus ring set up with thousands of folding chairs and roped off into different sections. As Im walking in there are other young women, none that I recognize but have also been invited to this event and I don't know if they received the same personal love letter and pictures but they all have a past with Neil and are very excited to be there.
I'm very overwhelmed and feeling a little dizzy when suddenly my eyes find him walking into the tent and we're approaching each other but he's not directly looked at anyone.......Suddenly in all the dreaminess , I hit the sawdust covered floor . Someone behind me helps me back up but I faint once again not being able to control my overwhelming lightheadedness.
Let me stop here to say how weird it is to faint in a dream. I've never fainted in real life but to have a quickening loss of control over your limbs and fall to the floor is the strangest sensation especially when it happens twice in a row. I must have looked like one of those fainting goats....

So back to the dream; I was fainted with my face in this soft yellow sawdust but my eyes were open and I was wanting to regain myself but all I could do was listen.
Well, the ceremony began and Neil was asking the guest to write a short answer to his request for a lover and the girls all turn in slips of paper with their answers and a few of them were read and finally there was a winner.
I was back on my feet again when the announcement was made and I just stood there taking it all in. And the whole event was over and eveyone began to leave. I was bewildered about my personal love letter that Neil had sent to me and the fact that we never actually got a chance to speak.
the girl that was chosen was a blonde girl and she was wisked away to be decorated in a white veil and I saw another photograph of her dressed like a bride and the background was of my bedroom window at my parents home.
the dream gets fuzzy after that and there's a bunch of chaos involving me getting locked in a mall on the outside of the tent and the Mall gates are dropping closed and I couldn't get through because of my pregnant stomach.
I still had the invitation and photos of Neil clenched in my hands and I'm so confused as to the choice and why Neil is asking for a lover and that the arrangement expires after one year and I wonder if there will be another meeting like this one, but most of all I'm wondering about his wife and WHat has happend to that relationship that he would go and have a mass summons of exgirlfriends.
such a weird dream I just wanted to record it.

Avery had her 9month checkup yesterday. 23.5 lbs!!!!! 29 1/2" !!!!! (thats about 1.5" in 3 months. MY BIG GIRL! the nurse told us that there were no shots to be had!!!!!! I started to pack it all up and leave when the nurse had to chace after me to say that No, DR.Bronstein was still going to see Avery (I'm such a dork...I just hate being at the Doctors) Avery was so still and big eyed and opened mouth during the investigation er, examination I mean. she just watched the doctor and responded to the game of hide and seek DR. B was playing with her....even the doc said avery's wheels were turning in her head watching where the stethescope was moving too.
bad news to follow the good news of no shots : we had to take Avery up to the blood lab and get jammed with a needle in her chubby baby arms. she was sooooo good even with the two nurses squeezing and pulling on her little arm. Avery only cried when she was jabbed with the needle untill they had drained enough out of her. the nurses were so creepy....I dont know what it is with Blood/needle techs. but everyone i have ever encountered must have a dark soul or something. the nurse jabbing avery(the white one) I guess was trying to distract an already scared baby by GROWLING!?! it even scared me when she started....I mean I literally jumped and avery was sitting on my lap and suddenly this nurse starts growling like a huge hungry dog and Averys eyes stare up at this woman as if to say: you are already hurting my arm, please dont be vocally abusive. WHAT the HELL was this woman thinking? to distract a child that is upset with aggresive vocal tones? I repeat....ALL blood draining nurses have a darkside and I dont care for them one bit. WHy do these folks turn to healthcare or is it their profesion that turn them evil?