last year at halloween

Avery with Lisa and Stan

IT was a great day, jamie and Avery and I got to get out of the house and the weather was FINE
it was a kite flying type of day
we ended up going to visit jamies mom and stepdad and Avery was so good for them. She was happy and cooooed and wore granma's big socks and was very entertaining. a very nice visit that I didn't panic over.
we got to visit my great friend DJ for a little while and she got to hold Avery. I rarely get to see Dj but we're planning on trying a trip to the park sometime next week
my mom is getting home from Florida tomorrow...This will be almost a month since she's been able to see Avery....I'm kinda nervous about having her home but I'll go into that next post

unfinished ramblings of an unslept mother

we stayed up way too late last night but it was good because he and I were actauly talking about things. we had a great conversation about how we need to change the way we talk to each other and be more encouraging. it really was nice to conect with him like that. now if we can put these things into motion we'll be doing great.
today he came home for two hours between shifts and offered to take Avery from me...he just doesnt get that I dont mind having her, its the being left alone for all day that can wear you down. I'm not in any way desiring for her to be away from me, I just would like to have him with us....but since he insisted and I can get things done easier and quicker, I allowed him to run to arlington with her...he did good and even pack a diaper bag. I had jumped into the shower when he came home ( I do pretty good to get myself washed at least every other day) and today I had the extra time to shave my legs, I started to panic/laugh at the thought of him without the baby necesities but upon exiting the shower I realized his daddy skills were up to par and he had gotten a bag together. even though he had left his wallet with drivers lisence on the counter, he was doing alright.
I got myself dressed and ran out the door...it felt like I had run out the door because I havent gotten out the door that quickly since Avery was born lol and I headed to the library. I had been planning this trip to the library all week and I guess since I was Avery Free, I lost the anxiety that comes with towing a baby around so that was extra nice. I picked up the Baby Whisperer which I have thumbed through before. I need to try and get some reading done this evening if AVery will allow. Maybe next time he offers to take her and I find myself with Alone time by myself (which is different from just plain alone time) and he thinks I need to go out and run errands...I'll just take a book and spend the time reading.
Good news everybody, we got most of our electricity bill paid....we're only 43something dollars short this month....but I'm going to stay positive about it because God always provides. it just sucks when things are this tight that we arent able to do everything I would like (as in pay our bills and maybe have a dime left over so I could enjoy a nice cold Coca-cola)
This weekend we're going to his mother's Family reunion...i am not looking forward to it. none of these people really are more then 1/4 related to jamie but his mother is excited to show off her baby grandaughter as the newest member to the SMith family.....does that say anything about the reunion? its the freakin SMith family reunion so all you Smiths out there, make sure you have it on your calanders for Saturday from noon-5 out in Graham, Tx.
Its crazy because none of us going are Smiths but we still go and eat Barbeque and baked beans with these folks that tell nutty stories about the dust bowl and the depresion. It's not going to be enjoyable with AVery becaues it's like 2 hour drive to get there meaning I get to nurse her upon arrival and I hate doing that, plus Jamie's mother has a horrible habit of taking Avery and she'll disappear to the next room and It just makes me so nervous because....got to go. baby needs me

Fresh from the Bath

Started today out right with a great pumpkin colored pastey diaper so Avery got a bath and mommy got Daddy's attention

A problem I have realized with sleeping with Avery is that now she wont sleep away from a warm body. I tired to lay her in her crib lastnight so there could be an opening for jamie if he wanted to join me. We struggled with keeping her down till almost midnight and I was so pooped jamie managed towork his magic with her and he did sleep with me for part of the night.
we tried talking a bit and he said that during the night if I need any help to just wake him....Well, he sleeps like a log and never hears her crying, never hears me ask him to get her, never hears me no matter what I do and last night I got fed up and shoved him in the back ( I was kinda pissed that even with him in the bed with me, he still didn't bother to hold me or be close) so I shoved him and that started the midnight battles that we've been having.
it got pretty yucky with me telling him that I hated him......I couldn't believe I actually said it and this morning I really felt horrible. I don't know if it was the harshness of my words or what but as soon as I apologized for my words from last night jamie immediately apologized for the things he had called me (which I must be use to because I hadn't thought he called me such horrible names lastnight) but the best thing was that he actually said he wanted us to be better and not fighting
at last I have some hope that he cares about how things are between us. It was starting to feel like he just didn't give a crap about me, maybe it was because he's so use to me just bending over and taking it and things being fine the next day but I wasn't gonna be like that anymore and it took four days of him sleeping on the couch to figure I ment business when I told him he needed to pay attention to how I felt about things. He cant keep walking all over me and think that it's ok
so we'll see how long this peace last. At least he's willing to recognize that we were in a serious slump. I don't know what it is. It's so different now that we have a baby. My feelings and emotions are crisscross right now because all of my attention goes to Avery, everything we talk about is the baby, we cant get things out like we use to (yelling) because of the baby, She's really cutting into the relationship but she has every right to. jamie and I are just going to have to re-create our relationship and I don't know how to have two loves at the same time. It might sound silly but it's true. It's like my life with the baby has continued and somehow jamie has fallen out of sight and I have no idea where he is anymore. Recently it hasn't even felt like we were a couple. I kinda wish that he would step up and help me on our relationship. It sucks to think that we're just coasting along....I mean I'm suppose to plan a wedding to this man? One thing I've learned is that life takes you through some rough patches and it's super important to be able to sometimes pick up the heavy end of the problem while your partner is weak and it would be nice if jamie would do that. I 'm awfully tired of carrying the whole thing plus a baby and wont do it anymore. We realy need to work on our communication. Part of the problem I think I learned is that he has a horrible perception of me. He said that there is no point in talking with me because no matter what is said , I always argue/am right or whatever...But it's wrong to approach your partner with the attitude that simply talking is hopeless so you might as well keep to yourself. I mean what type of relationship is that? I told him that he really needed to work on his perspective of me because as long as he's approaching me with that attitude then we'll never get things right again. I believe he understood even if there was only silence.
I don't know, I guess I have a lot going on in my head and he doesn't seem to get it, partly because we don't talk.......
I know a lot of you have mentioned that I need to take some time and just sit down and talk with jamie but when you have a habit of getting loud(jamie) it doesn't go over well with a baby in the midst. That's something we're going to have to re-create about us.....The manner in which we talk to each other. Hopefully he wont approach it with a negative mindset and we can start practicing some positive reinforcement and I guess I can do some of my own searching and see what this selfishness is that he keeps talking about with me.
maybe he sees me with the baby and thinks that I'm being selfish....I don't know, he can have my 2 and 4am feeding sessions with her anytime he wants to start lactating. I've been real selfish to give him a baby(enter sarcasm) and I know I've been so engrossed with every detail that is AVery maybe he's seeing that as selfishness.....Maybe we'll talk about it! Who knows what can happen when Robyn puts her foot down

Bed WArs

Still not recovered from Saturday night. He came home and thanks to some help, I stood my ground and he got the sofa
I tried to talk with him about things and his insensitivity to me but 5am probably wasn't the best time, I'm so very exhausted, the baby kept me up from 2-6 lastnight
since he's been on the sofa since Saturday, Avery has kept me company in bed at night
having her in the same bed as me keeps me from having the same kinda rest. I'm having all these dreams where I find babies and rescue them from underneath tarps . I wonder if I'm over stressing about having her suffocate in the blankets with me.....And last night I kept losing this little 'pocket' baby that was the size of a cell phone. In my dream we had baby Avery and then we purchased a little 4 inch baby for $35 and I kept misplacing it. I would look all over the 'hotel' room and listen for the baby's cries but the baby was so small that listening for it was difficult I think I might have been straining to hear if Avery was sleeping still beside me

I'm still upset with Jamie over this weekend. So we're going to stick to him on the couch even if I'm panicking in my sleep having Avery with me....(yes, I know I could always put her in her crib but it's nice having her with me,plus it keep jamie out) typically in these instances, jamie makes me mad but I never hold him responsible the next day. For what ever reason, I'm too much of a peace maker that jamie gets away with what ever he wants and that's not fair to me
plus I need some practice with putttin my foot down before Avery learns to manipulate me too
I'm actually a bit tired of being mad with Jamie....We're talking I guess but not about the problem of how he's treated me....Guess sending him to the couch is not great of me either.....How many days should his sentence be? I just want him to chill out on the cussing when he talks to me and for him to be sensitive to my feelings. If he wanted a night out with the boys then he should have communicated it better.

Home by myself

He better come home with flowers
I cant believe he left even after I asked him not to go
we spent all day with his friends and Avery and I had to come home
Now he's gone back out 'drinking' with his dogs
I'm really tired and wish that he had spent the evening with his girls here at home tonight
I'm so mad right now I dont even want to talk

My daughter is my world and everything I do revolves around her,
I wish he felt some of the gravity
......Flowers would not make things better
He's messing up and in truth he missing out

going back in time

wanna belly wrestle? I was always forgetting how big my stomach was and would bump into everything. ended up with a burn mark from the oven on mytummy....thank God that went away...but still have the stretch marks that didnt show their ugly selves untill after the baby was born. (sneaky bastards)


me just not giving a crap about anything but trying to get comfortable...I would take long baths to help relieve the leg cramps and alieviate some of the weight and strain on my poor bones. Here i'm about week 40 and worried that my water could break while in the tub (most doctors arent that worried just because statistically, the chances of it happening are slim)


Me in full hormonal swing at the baby shower when I was 38 weeks. I broke down in 'happy' tears when I recieved Avery's first little Snoopy from my Dad....that's kinda his thing.
and the cake tasted wonderful despite the expression on Jamie's face....he was copeing as best he could with the swollen, moody/uncomfortable incubator that I had become.


The day I took the pregnancy test for the second time and was starting to actually believe I was pregnant. I was already 12 weeks along and hadn't noticed any nausea before except I almost passed out during a long session at work. It was 1 1/2 hour massage with a great lady client and my hands were shaking and I had tremendous heat flashes because I skipped lunch that day...Not good when your body is being taken over by a pregnancy. I didn't finish the massage and felt horrible having to excuse myself like that. My client Teresa was the one who insisted on me going and taking a pregnancy test....I was in denial. So I had to take a second one a couple weeks apart before it sunk in.

has it been a week without Avery pictures?

We made a pallet of quilts for her to roll around on and work out her hiccups while mommy blogs :)


discovering her hands

I cant believe that she's already 7 weeks old today, that I've been a mommy for almost 2 whole months.....what have i done with all that time? Little Avery is going to be standing and talking back to me before I know who I am again. I thought life was full before having a child, boy was I wrong, never could I have guessed that simply getting deoderant on in the morning would make me feel acomplished for the day.

something else cool to look at: Not life size Art
http://w3.uwyo.edu/~jon8088/pic/Not%20life-sized%20art.html

Riddler my kitty

mom brought me back this pot full of cactus from her trip to Arizona last summer and I've kept it sitting on my table by the backdoor. Riddler, my boycat has claimed it as homebase and camps out day and night right next to the prickly pear. several times I've gone to pet him on the head as I walked past and got stuck by the needles from the evil plant.


Its funny that one side of the cactus is hairier then the other. good thing my cat leaves white hair,,,,it matches the white hair of the plant

Which dysfunctional Barbie are you?

Take the Test:
http://www.youthink.com/quiz.asp?action=take&quiz_id=304

Lactating Barbie
Your baby's daddy owes you child support and you're always just waiting on that next welfare check. Good thing you've still got your job at the Cinnabon.

For AMy

wait a second...arent those amy and sarah's girls...?

not enough people blog about polynesian dancers? maybe because there are no words to describe.

I've toured this house in the middle of downtown Ft.Worth

Historic Thistle Hill mansion will go to a nonprofit groupBy ALEX BRANCHStar-Telegram Staff Writer
FORT WORTH - Thistle Hill finally has a new owner.
The mansion's directors announced Monday that they are giving the 102-year-old estate to Historic Fort Worth, a nonprofit organization with which Thistle Hill had been negotiating for months.
Tom Lang, board chairman of Historic Fort Worth, said the group, which manages the 1899 Ball-Eddleman-McFarland House, is ready for the challenge of restoring the mansion on Pennsylvania Street, which needs as much as $4 million in improvements.
"We're excited and ready to get moving," Lang said. "We have to get out there and get community support, and we've got to raise a significant amount of money to make the necessary repairs."
Thistle Hill board members had earlier expressed skepticism that Historic Fort Worth had the financial resources to care for the house, but on Monday, board President Joy Webster called the agreement a "wonderful solution."
"We're taking them on faith," Webster said. "They're certainly working on a plan. This keeps [Thistle Hill] in the public realm."
Built in 1903 by cattle baron W.T. Waggoner for daughter Electra, the house is listed on the National Register of Historic Places.
The board, Texas Heritage, has owned Thistle Hill since rescuing it from near-demolition in 1976. But the group found that wedding rentals, private tours and membership dues could not fund the work that the house needs.
Early this year, the board sought proposals from nonprofit and for-profit groups to assume control of the house. However, the proposals were rejected, or prospective owners were frightened away by the estimated renovation costs.
Lang said Historic Fort Worth has its work cut out for it. The first step of the fund-raising campaign is to make the public aware of the transfer of ownership, Lang said. Then officials will approach major donors and foundations in Fort Worth and people who have supported Thistle Hill, he said.
The house will still be available for weddings and receptions, but the group hopes to book corporate and governmental meetings, too, Lang said. "Part of what we want to do is ... get people into the house and let them see what a wonderful structure it is," Lang said.
IN THE KNOW
Thistle Hill
To volunteer at or rent Thistle Hill, call Historic Fort Worth at (817) 336-2344.

you know what I think they should do is open it up and have haunts in it

It could be turned into a shelter/halfway house to help get people off the street

why do we keep it simply because it's old? it's a fire hazzard, we cut down trees all the time that are that old but a house we must survive....

when I toured the house I was 12years old and I became frighted that the original owner's name was Electra....it just sounded 'electrical' . thatday I was flirting with my bestfriends little brother Matt while standing outside of the mansion just to the right of the pillars. on the way home i thought we could be ment for each other. how time flies and the house is still there...just looking for a new owner.....

Delfinoterapia aka dolphin therapy

http://www.nbc30.com/news/5106007/detail.html?rss=har&psp=news#
Scientists: Dolphin Calls Good For Fetus
Peruvian Obstetricians Offer Therapy
LIMA, Peru -- Scientists in Peru believe that dolphin calls may benefit prenatal children by stimulating brain activity while the fetus is still developing.
Elizabeth Yalan, dean of the Obstetrician College of Peru, said the energy produced by porpoise calls can positively stimulate a baby's brain while the fetus is still inside the mother's womb.
Some believe the sounds can promote the development of babies' senses.
Instructors have trained the dolphins to swim close to pregnant women and emit their calls.
The practice is known in Spanish-speaking countries as delfinoterapia, or dolphin therapy.
Some obstetricians have begun to offer the therapy to pregnant women hoping to improve the abilities of their prenatal children.

Diversion of my mind

So it's Saturday night 8pm and Avery is down for who knows how long. Jamie's at work till 11pm and I've got the house to myself. Maybe I should have my boyfriend come over

don't know what to write about, I feel that I spend most of this journal talking about poop and nursing and new mommyhood and it's great but I'm wondering if my readers aren't a bit bored with it all. Guess I shouldn't worry so much about if my readers are bored....I write because it's peaceful and good to get some thoughts out. I just wish my thoughts weren't overwhelmed with how many diapers I went through in a day. Just incase you are wondering, I got to change some orange paste off of avery's butt this afternoon. It looks as though her constipations has subsided.
but back to the original topic of what to write tonight.......I guess I'll tell you some silly things that run through my mind:
this time of year butterflies migrate down into Mexico and Texas is on the way, so now when ever I'm outside which is quite frequent, I'm always surprised with the most beautiful butterfly passing.
I'm sure you are thinking that a migration means that there should be a huge herd of them but I guess the way they float around, they get distracted from the group and by the time they reach Texas, each butterfly is making it's own migration solo
So I'm looking at these butterflies passing through the neighbor hood and I'm remebering my papa joe's passing and wondering if it's some sign for the other side, you know how Sylvia Brown talks about the dead flipping on/off lights to signal that they're with you....I'm imagining that my papa Joe is sending me butterflies
Actually my family doesn't believe in that type of stuff nor do I need to have signs sent to me from the 'other side'......Just some silly make believe because I know that my stern German papa Joe would not send me something soft like a butterfly but instead send me something scary like Thunder.
We always did talk about Thunder and lightening when ever the afternoon storms interrupted our swim down in Florida. We would have to get out of the water and we sat up in the screened in porch and watched the winds bring down sheets of cool tropical rain. We would sit and talk and I always asked him what lightening was and my papa Joe would always tell me the science of it and I never comprehended all that he said. It was too technical for my brain.
Anyway, so now I've decided that Sum kinda princes has been sick and her blog has the drifting butterfly so now when ever I see a migratory butterfly outside , I've decided to say a prayer for her. The butter fly is just a reminder for me to lift a thought for her well being.

Has anyone checked out my link to the San Diego Zoo? I've been thinking that the weather here has cooled off and it's so nice out, I would love to take a trip to the Fortworth Zoo if Avery was older but I guess we're gonna have to wait a couple of years before she'll be able to appreciate the animals. I'm not sure she understands or notices the cats we keep. The other day, I had her laying on the floor with me and Jarobie came by and head bumped me in the side to say "hello" so I picked him up and Avery was watching me. I started making kitty sounds and her face lit up into a smile so I don't know if she was aware of the cat but her eyes did kinda follow him walking off.
Later Jarobie jumped up onto the couch behind me and posted himself over Avery like he was helping keep tabs on her.It was so sweet......He really is a good guard cat. He growls whenever someone knocks on the front door and he'll bite if necessary but he knows how to be gentle. He really is the smartest cat.
the other cats, Riddler and Simone keep their distance from the baby. They come and look at her for a moment and then freak out because of her kicking legs under the blanket, they are such sissies. But I still have a crush on Riddler. He's the man

Tomorrow Jamie's mom and step dad are coming over for lunch. Think we'll be having burgers. I would like it if we could make it to church in the morning though having a young baby makes it difficult to sit through an entire hour and a half sermon. One of the reasons I really want to go is simply to be with my Dad. He's upsetting me badly because he invited us over for dinner the other day, and when we got there, he was being obnoxious and loud and started getting mean to me because he had gotten drunk.
I discovered where he keeps his liquor hidden but I didn't pour it out. I'm disappointed in myself for not dumping it but I didn't want to make him any angrier so he won that situation. It just totally sucks to see him like that, and he thinks he's hiding it and no one knows..........I guess things have been really stressful but still that's no excuse for getting belligerent. I know he would never tolerate that from me, I just don't know how to address his drinking. I thought about leaving a stupid note on his stash spot saying 'Busted' but that would only irritate him and make him find some other hiding place for his Drink. Anyone have much experience with intervention? ....I don't think he really wants help for it but I don't want Avery to be around a drunk Grandpa. He's got to get it together, just like I do. It's not easy but at least the playing ground is even when everyone's sober. Enough about that, all I really wanted to say was that I'm really hurting because of my dad. I hate seeing him that way.

So Go check out my link to the San Diego Zoo....There's a live web cam of the baby and mommy Panda bears. It's so cute, I was pointing out to Jamie how the mom handles the baby and he said that maybe I should lick Avery's bottom like the panda's do so she can poop again
Alright, I'm talking about poop again! I really need to stop. It's just so much of my mind is constipated now with baby stuff. They need to develop a pill or something for the anxiety of becoming a first time mother. I swear, If I ever get a moment to step away from Avery, every thirty seconds I have a surge of panic that I need to go and check on her to make sure she's breathing.....It's not really that bad, but I do have to keep telling myself to chill and not worry so much. It's just the new mommy thing. Every night I have anxiety about how long she's gonna sleep for and if I should just stay awake....I'm driving myself batty! And I know it's not healthy so Im working on it .
Something else I really want to get started on is my exercise routine. Typically I'm a walker and I've taken Avery in her stroller out to do a shorter version of what I use to do on my own, but it's just more involved when you have a baby. I really need to make use of this fantastic weather we're having and get myself into shape. I look like a weeble wobble....My Ass has gotten wide and there's jello still shaking on my tummy. I've been thinking I would like to get into Martial ARts and learn how to kick Butt, just not sure......
the real problem is my dedication right now. I need to put my mind to some form of exercised and just do it. ( hmmmm, maybe a nice pair of running shoes for inspiration would help)

This is my Friday night

It's a baby panda at the san diego Zoo

http://www.sandiegozoo.org/zoo/ex_panda_station.html

have a great weekend!

TIme at home alone

I've been dreaming which means that I've been sleeping some
last night Avery had me up at 1, 3, 5, and I gave up after the sun rose...But during those few beautiful hours when I had my eyes closed, I dreampt that I was in California for the premiere of Benny and joon and I was eating grapes and there was a parade and Johnny depp was going to be there and my grapes were the purple kind and had large pits in them like olives do
then my dream changed to driving through beach front neighbor hood with enormous luxury homes that had water slides that dumped out into the ocean. as the car was passing this one home inparticular; I looked to my left and saw these giant whale's with people riding them like a horse down these water slides and I wondered in my dream why these giant dolphins had diapers on...And then I realized that they were sophisticated whales that wouldn't just poop anywhere, they wore diapers and people rode them down waterslides......
I looked to my right and that house had a long sandy beach drive with shallow blue water lapping up at each side and the house was amazingly peaceful except that if one good storm came up , and that drive way would be underwater the the residence would become its own island


It's amazing that I'm dreaming. I totally love remembering dreams and the silly things that my mind creates but It just sucks that Avery was up so much last night. I know that yesterday I was singing the praise of having so much sleep....Well, she kept sleeping yesterday which is why I was able to get out such a long post but then I was up with her all night
tonight should be better....She hasn't stopped since she got me up this morning
right now I should be getting a nap while she's out of the house with jamie......I really needed a break from her. I just hope that she's not sleeping too much right now....So that she crashes good tonight and I can have more dreams about whales and Johnny depp :)

We're six weeks today and you know what that means

My baby makes me laugh and my life is wonderful
everyone needs to have a baby or at least borrow one for a day
they smell so good and act silly with you and are so much fun

aVery's six weeks old today and I get to haul her over to see my Doctor this afternoon. Guess he's gonna check me and see about setting up some contraceptive so Avery doesn't get her little brother too soon :)

She's actually getting to be fun as time goes by. I mean I totally enjoyed having her in her first couple of weeks of life but now, she's developing her little personality and starting to make experimental sounds with her voice....She's so cute and I think this mothering thing is getting to be a tad bit easier. At least it's getting more enjoyable and I'm having a good time (most of the time) Last night she slept from 11pm-5 this morning which is her record for sleeping through the night. I realize that it was a mishap and probably wont happen again for some time but at least I got to rest some. I did have to suffer through a cranky attitude yesterday with her but If letting her blow some steam means that I get to indulge in an extra hour of sleep....Then I think it could be a good thing to allow for her to scream once in awhile. I used to feel guilty allowing her to cry but now I know that most of her wailing is her getting to know her voice right now

I'm thinking she's gonna be a talker which is great because batman is the quiet type and us girls will have so much to blabber about. It'll be nice having conversations that aren't one worded.

I couldn't love anyone more then I do my family

oh! something else that is terrific.....I got into my skinny jeans this weekend. perfect timing because it was starting to get cool and I didnt want to just put on some sweats. the jeans fit and I was suprised (I didnt look quite how I would have hoped or remembered) but at least I was in. still need to get myself into shape. It's terrible to think how pregnancy can alter your body....I honestly think I have forgotten how big I once was.

My most favorite comment

hey sweetie just wanted to tell you again that you have been doing a great job as a new mother.you also did a wonderfull job growing a beautiful little girl during the past ten months.i'm so proud of the both of you.through out this whole process of motherhood you have been a shinning star and have been so brave, especially(sp?) at the hospital!!!you are the best and i love you very much!thankyou for everything you do and have done fer me.and thankyou for the most beautiful little baby girl.thank God she has your looks!!!
September 07, 2005 10:14 AM


~Sqwerrl aka Jamie

my fortune cookie said:

"It's better to loose a lover then love a looser"

get your own cookie here:
http://www.arkworld.com/fortune.html

did I say in my last post that Avery needed to get dressed so she could poop in it and get redressed.....?
well I must have been calling the future because that's exactly how leaving the house to visit over at memas went yesterday. Avery had to just have one more 'accident' before walking out the door.
her attitude while visiting jamies dad's family was not so hot either. She insisted on nursing 3 times in 5hour period and screaming bloody murder between times. I don't know if she felt me being uncomfortable or if she was uncomfortable herself in a new home....But all she did during our visit was wail her little head off.
I even got emotional and freaked out a bit when Avery got taken back by mema to some rocking chair and I didn't know we're they had gone. I just know that my poor baby didn't know these people and really I don't either even if they are jamie's blood

I did realize though that I take things a bit too serious sometimes and that the only reason I feel uncomfortable around jamie's dad's side of the family is because they are just a bunch of weirdo's themselves with more insecurity then I have
His step mom kept coming up and saying how happy she was that jamie and I were going to get married and how proud she was of that. It was fun getting to talk about premarital counseling and crap.....why is it that that's all people talk to us about in regards to our future? I admit, going for a catchup on some relationship therapy is probably a good idea but it's starting to make me think that people underestimate jamie's and my 'work through it' capabilities
he's always done what ever it takes to get things back in line with me (even if it takes him abit longer than it does me) but we typically are on good ground together. It's temperamental at times but never any aftershocks. I really am very pleased that God brought jamie into my life. He's made a great friend and I love him dearly.
now that we have a baby, it's changed. I love my daughter more than life itself and I thought the love I felt before her birth was beyond anything greater. And now my feelings about JAmie are new. He's the father of my daughter that I love more then life itself and through my love for Avery, I feel something plain and steady with jamie. That he's in this as deep as I am and that now we have created a family......Romance is something different, maybe even a bit richer. It's not all fluffly adoration and warm feelings like when we were a couple but now it's loving through our exhaustion and helping each other out
it's beautiful being new parents, and making our family with each other

Visiting the rest of the family

we're going to visit Mema (jamie's dad's mother) she lives just down the way from us and visited while we were in the hospital but the rest of that side of the family lives down in austin and they will get to see their grandaughter for the first time today.
guess I need to go give avery a bath and find somthing for her to wear, poop in and wear again
wish me luck....these people make me uncomfortable because they feel real distant. they want to meet avery so that's cool, dont know if they want the titles of grand parents though. they really werent much parents to jamie. it's going to be awkward....but I love Mema, she's a sweet heart and has always treated jamie and me well. I think I'm going to be relying alot on her kindness and Avery's cuteness to cover over any weird feelings that come up.

go and check out my last comment from the previous post, you'll laugh at us new parents

AVERY LET GO or THE 5 POUND DIAPER

BEFORE AND AFTER....


She finally pooped and I feel so much relief.....(I'm becoming anal retentive)
I got the first load on me and I felt like I had been initiated into the style of motherhood
I had poop in my lap and on my shirt and leak spots on my breast.....I felt glamorous I actually smiled at my reflection in the mirror
well, maybe I was just so happy that Avery had finally had a stool. It had been 5 awful days of her crying and getting upset everytime she farted. And I was so miserable because it was interfering with her nursing and she kept coming off to cry
but now she has pooped, feeding time might go a bit easier now with her being a bit more comfortable . Can you tell I'm excited
poor little baby girl had orange paste stuck all around her butt and between her legs...It was so nasty that we changed her in the bathtub incase we wanted to make it a bath too
got her clean and diapered again and Avery was like a new little person, I feel like we're missing out on alot of fun time getting to know our precious angel because she's been so miserable and not feeling like herself but now she's pooped!
I was sitting on the floor with her afterward and suddenly I smelt popcorn, It was so curious to be smelling, I couldn't figure what it was until I lifted Averys blanket and saw a second load only minutes behind the first
back into the bathtub (we had it padded with towels and stuff) and this time Daddy did the chores.........It was so weird because it was the same type of oragne paste only this time it smelt like popcorn

the things that pass by

I saw a stray dog this morning and I could tell he was a stray by the way that he jogged on down the way
I slept with the window open last night and I was afraid someone would snatch Avery from her crib
there is a rapist alert in the news since tuesday for my neighbor hood and all they have is a scetch of some scarry man.
the weather dropped considerably and i've gotten to wear my favorite green hoodie that I've worn for 8 years
still havent hung art pieces in Avery's room...I'm scared she'll get hit on the head if they fall
something just now exploded outside...it sounded like a gun but cannonlike...
probably just a car backfiring, It's not the forth of July
I fell asleep... er got to take a nap this morning....it was on my stomach which is new for my tummy and my back has been complaining
got a pooper scooper for the cats litter box from the dollar store and returned book to the library late (another late fee) :?
gave Avery her medicine for the second time and she still hasnt pooped since Saturday
I decided to go comfy today and have been leaking breastmilk through my shirt all day
when it's time to switch breast feeding Avery...I always ask her if she's ready for the "udder" one

I'm such a loser

Today was horrible:

1) had to take Avery to get hep B vaccination. I hate needles!

2) forgot to put rent in the drop box lastnight and got my first latefee ever in 9 years of rental history

3) made dinner over at my parents for dad and little bro. Rory.
my dad helped to take friends 2 labradors to the hospital cause of a road collision. They were out chasing squirrels and both dogs took severe hits to the head so dinner was served cold.


what is it with death right now? I think something is following me around........So much has been happening with a new baby and my grandfather that I think I forgot to post about how patches our last barncat drowned in the pool a couple of days before I left for Florida. She was 15 years old and feeble. I think she got blown into the pool and was too weak being waterlogged to make it to the steps.
my life/day has stunk
I'll try and be ultrabright about tomorrow. I cant think of anyone else that could kick the bucket but ya never know.

That is my shirt not my boob that you see

my baby has gas and its so horrible to see her cry. She always gets it just when I'm putting her to the breast and she pulls away screaming in pain. But then it passes and she's so greedily hungry that she roots around looking for my nipple again. She'll clamp back on for another minute before the next pain of gass comes through. It's so sad and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, that maybe it's me but after several days of this I'm realizing that it's only gas pain. She's in pain....My nipples feel like they have been ripped off a thousand times and I'm confessing here that I've slipped her a bottle of formula a couple of times now and that's probably where the stupid gas pain is coming from
I suck at being perfect / I want to think I'm doing Ok as a mother / I wish my baby wasn't uncomfortable / I'm tired of all these old mothers telling me how to fix my problems with rice cereal/ I wish my baby wouldn't tear off my tits