my trip to florida

of course Avery got the window seat









Four generations....myself, mother, Gram-B and baby Avery










the Whole trip wasnt without reward......pulled this catfish from the cannal leads to the gulf









Batman, robyn and baby Avery (she looks like she's chasing a lizard away )









Gram B holding her great grandaughter Avery









nursing Avery under the blanket in the living room with my mother. the flower arangment was from papa joes funeral

back from the dead

I'm back from Florida, thankfully the drive didn't have to happen and dad flew us out there. I was so nervous about taking little Avery on a plane but the two hour flight was not bad at all. Avery was a champ (minus the pooping disaster in my lap) she got it all over my shirt and shorts but thankfully I was prepared and wore 'spitup' clothes on the flight so nothing got too ruined.
we arrived in Tampa and made it directly to the hospital. Papa Joe had been moved from ICU into a regular room, all the medical equipment taken away and he looked pretty bad. His skin was grey, and his limbs swollen but he was technically still alive and breathing. Avery got to lay in his arms for a couple of minutes and we took some pictures but then she started getting fussy with all the people around her so we had to head out.
my family plus my uncle were all staying at my grandparents home, camping out on the floor in bedbags so Avery, jamie and myself ended up having to stay at a bestwestern down the road. I didn't like that we weren't able to stay with the family during our visit, but with the nightly crying/nursing lack of sleep a new baby brings, it was the best thing for everyone.
papa Joe die that night about 4 hours after Avery got to see him....Everyone keeps saying that he was holding on just so that he could meet his greatgrand child and I feel guilt over it in a silly way. I feel that if I had never taken her out there, then he might still be alive...I don't know. The whole trip was really sad. It was most hard at the funeral that we had on Monday, seeing my grandmother say goodbye to her lifepartner of 60years. She had been going to the hospital and staying with papajoe all day long for over 5 weeks and really missed being able to talk with him and tell him things that went on in her day. I don't know how she's going to adapt to being a widow and living alone. It really breaks my heart. My little sister Rachel is going to be going back this weekend, dropping her college classes to go and live with gram B at least until December so at least she wont be alone.
it was nice to be out in the beautiful Floridian sunshine and see the beaches and palmtrees but it totally was ruined by the fact that we were there in mourning for my papa Joe. pour Avery got fussier and fussier as the days progressed. She hated not being at home, and it was difficult handling her when all the family just wanted to fight over who got to hold her
Its so nice being back home. I don't know if its my attitude of relief being back home with her or if Avery actually is much easier to take care of now that we're home but things are a lot more chill as far as avery's temperament.
don't have a lot more to write right now. Just want you all to know that I made it to Florida, Avery got to meet her great grandfather my papa Joe, he's dead and will be buried up in Pennsylvania this weekend.
hope your past week has gone better then mine.

going to florida

they pulled the plug on papa joe's ventelator about 3 hours ago....he's still here but barely. they had the machine set to 12 breaths per min. and he was averaging around 16 or so which means some of the breathing was his own giving my family a sense of false hope. he's not going to be here much longer so I'm bussy trying to pack and get Avery packed (what on earth do you pack for a road trip with a 3 week old?)
it's going to be rough driving down with her....we'll have to stop every two hours for feeding and diaper change so I imagine the 16 hour drive is going to turn out to be closer to 24.
wish me luck and patience and avery to be real sleepy

curly long ass toes

happy Half-Nekkid-Thrusday (HNT)
http://osbasso.blogspot.com/2005/05/guidelines-for-half-nekkid-thursday.html

her stump fell off

Its a huge day for me, Avery juliette turned 3 weeks old and my daughter got her belly button today! after i made the earlier post I went into the bedroom where jamie is napping with Avery(because she starred screaming and I was afraid that he had allowed her to drop off the side of the bed, which wasnt the case) She was screaming simply because she was awake and rotten to be laying there with no attention or boob in her little mouth. Anyway, I got her up and prepped a tit just to see her newly revealed little belly button. her stump had fallen off during the nap and jamie was laying on top of it in the bed (gross) but grosser yet, I'm saving it! do you think it's something to scrapbook?

I know I wrote that babies make life sweet and peaceful and a couple of you were dumbfounded that I could write that. allow me to clarify.... my daughter brings a sense of peace to my heart because of the imense love I have for her. I'm not trying to make it sound like she's a piece of cake to deal with but the emotions and desire to do the very best for her carry over whatever frustrations are left outside of my beautiful family. I believe the picture is proof enough of what type of attitude this little angel has. (she gets it from her daddy- boy do they both have tempers!)

daddy's girl

this was taken a couple of days back. the punk rock attitude comes from her dad
all I can say is I'm thankful that her hair isnt green


update on papa joe: dont know, no one has called me but today is his 60th year to be married to my wonderful GramB....Happy anniversary to them! hugs and kisses and congratulations on a succesfully long marriage!!!!

how sweet and peacful babies make our lives

My Family has lost it

Papa Joe is not going to make it. He isn't alert or eyes open or anything and my Dad reports that he's all bloated and bloodpressure is dropping from earlier today. The repertator isn't going to do any good but draw out his death but they will keep him on it as long as possible in hopes that he makes it through tomorrow which is his 60th wedding anniversary with Gram B.
I tried to talk with mom and even she hasn't been in to see him. It seems that seeing his condition would be too much for her at this point and she has self medicated so that she isn't having to feel/witness his passing.
My sister is currently sick and used that as a reason to not go with my parents Sunday and now she is crying and freaking out about papa Joe and is going to try to fly out tonight in order to get to see him one more time. I'm kinda jealous that she is going to get to see him but I know that he's not going to know that we are even there. I want for him to be able to see his greatgrandaughter but I know that neither of the two will understand what is happening. So I must rest here in Texas knowing that I've seen my papa Joe for the last time.
I actually have peace about it. His health has been quickly deteriorating over the past few months and now this is the end of the line for him. I worry more about the rest of my family had how they are all coping with things.
I guess going through the pregnancy and having to divert stresses away from myself has given me good practice in coping with things. It seems that I'm the only one who has their head on straight and can use any type of logic. I don't know why my sister is panicking now and thinks she needs to see papa Joe. But if that's how she feels, then she needs to go. But why is she speding 400$ to go up there and return in two days? The family is going to have to just be back for the funeral...I don't know. If her reason is to see papa Joe one last time, I think she is making a bit of a mistake. If my sister is wanting to go to help be a support for our parents then that makes a bit more sense. But with everyone being so sad and weak, I don't see her being of any assistance. She was trying to tell me that I needed to pack up Avery and fly with her....I don't know about taking my baby on a plane just yet. She's not even 3 weeks yet and the cabin pressure has always been trouble that I don't want to deal with not to mention trying to nurse her every two hours. I kinda feel bad that I'm not panicking and rushing around mad right now. But then I don't because I know I'm actually keeping things together and that is probably the best thing to be done right now.
I still love my family and care deeply about my papa joe's passing. I have so many memories of summer vacation at their home but I know that If I rush out this evening, it wouldn't make a difference in his health and would probably be detrimental to Avery's and my memory of him. We'll be there for the memorial service. And send our last kisses and hugs through Angels.

papa Joe and Gram B's 60th Wedding aniversary is this Wednesday

My parents are on there way back to Florida. My mothers father( my papa joe) is in intensive care and needs to be put on a resperator. only problem is that his living will says not to be put on any machines to keep him alive so they are doing this for a couple of days as a trial in hopes that he gets better. my mother is very upset and my father is a complete wreck.
They stopped by here for a quick visit to see Avery before they hit the road down past Tampa. My father just stood in the door way weeping and hugging me saying how much he loved Avery and me and even Jamie. I've never known my dad to be like this, or at least to seem so emotional and broken. his eyes looked like he had been socked by mom a couple of times and I wanted to ask because she has gotten to be physical with my dad in the past but with his tears I realized that he was just absolutely exhausted.
They spent my first week in the hospital with Avery's birth and then rushed to London stopping on the way in Florida to check in on Gram B and papa Joe (moms parents) because they were not doing well. my parents were picked up at the airport by Jamie on Firday and then they went to spend the weekend at Romans school SFA and returned this afternoon but got the call about my papa joe and are driving back out to Florida for who knows how long.
I wanted to go. so Avery could see her greatgrandfather and vice versa but my mother said it was going to be awfully difficult. I dont know how to feel. I wish this wasnt happening. I wish my parents werent so broken.
My dad kept trying to talk about the wedding and how it needs to be absolutly perfect with tuxedoes and huge guest list.....there has been too much stuff that has happened to my family this year. If the people we were this time last year could see us today, they would be shocked. It's amazing that we are all still here.
I have one very tough yet very wonderful Family. sometimes it feels like my Dad is Job from the Bible.

my little drunk passed out in the bed

more cute stuff

Avery after her bath didnt get her hair combed so It's doing the fluffy thing and she looks a bit drunk on the boob juice

got an upgrade from promise ring to engagement

And I talked with him about how this November is just to close and I'm still needing adjustment time to our new life so he says how about December then?
I am more excited and actually feel like this marriage will happen now. before it was always some distant far off thing to get around to doing but now it's on our agenda to start planning and putting together. it actually feels real. wearing that promise ring for three years just got a little long and I suppose I might have felt that the whole marriage thing was really a joke but now I got the rock on my finger, not just some pearls and my life is feeling a bit more upbeat and sparkly


funny thing about my engagment ring....it was sold by the girlfriend that introduced jamie and me to each other four years ago. we stopped talking to her about two years back because of stupid/flaky reasons (her loser boyfriendwho was really gay) and we had no intentions of regaining that friendship but then she's working at the jewelry counter at the very store jamie and I wandered into yesturday. It was the second ring I saw, first one I tried on and now it's mine and Jamie is going to make me his wife..... I do think premarital counseling might be a good thing. God knows we have already done all the other type of counseling(family and angermanagment) maybe we'll get somegood stuff out of this premarital counseling even though we've been together and co-habitating for 4 years and now have suffered together through all the toughness pregnancy gives. We really have stuck together through everything life can hand someone already. whatever damage we have escaped so far, I'm pretty positive that Jamie and i are strong enough and determined to get through as well. life really isnt an easy thing on your own and sometimes it's better with a partner, sometimes is more difficult. for somereason jamie is special and I guess we've chosen to do this life journey together.

I tempted fate last night and lost

I jinksed myself writing what I did last night about getting married. You see, the promise ring I've worn has needed to get fixed and I've been very concerned about it. The ring is a simple gold band with 7 pears across the setting and over time, they have become loose. So loose that the tiny pearls actually jingle and clink around inside the setting. I've mentioned to jamie that I wanted to take it into a jewelers to get the setting tightened before one of the pearls fell out and the whole ring looked bad....Well, I think writing last night about it tripped fate because one of the pearls actually fell out and now the ring looks like a hobo's mouth.....All these round yellowish teeth with one missing.
I'm very upset that It happened but more then that, I'm disappointed that Jamie didn't get my ring fixed before it got ruined. I don't know where the pearl fell out at so I wont beable to have the original to replace and make it whole again. I'm so very upset about it. I feel like its symbolic of our relationship and the fact that jamie neglected the maintenace of it just deepens the worry about the solidity of our future.
I tried to tell him how upset I was and what we were going to do....that somehow the ring needed to be replaced and he said we would go shopping for a new one today. something inside me tells me that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know that unless I remind him, my promise ring is going to be so out of his concern. I just wish he was more involved with the seriousness of this or am I making it into too big of a deal? He's the one wanting to get married in a few weeks and I don't feel that he understands what marriage is. I tried asking him the other day and he said things like, " it means being monogamous" " and absolutely no lying"
those are the things we should have accomplished already. Marriage to me means no turning back. It's a signing off of ever leaving your partners side in life. It means supporting and working through whatever trials life gives the two of you. Jamies' answers scare me because I don't and wont marry someone that doesn't have the same view of marriage as I do.
I did that before and wound up divorced before I was 21 years of age and it broke me. I'm not bitter about marriage, just wont make that mistake again. I think I might have a little trust issue to deal with.....But when my man doesn't fufill a need to keep my promise ring intact, and one of the pearls finally gets lost forever what am I suppose to feel? I guess that I should have gotten the dumb ring fixed myself.

I do vs. I don't

why do people get married?
how do you know if you should marry someone?

jamie wants to marry me in November, that is like in 6 weeks. Why all of a sudden the rush? He didn't want to marry me during the pregnancy because he didn't want people to think we married just because I was having a baby. he wanted people to recognize our love for each other. I've worn a promise ring for the past three years during which time I got frustrated with the duration of the promise and gave it back but wanted something on my finger so I wouldn't look unclaimed during the pregnancy and when I was about three months along , he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him 'someday'. Now that the baby is here (and has my last name) he wants to rush a marriage.
I know we are committed to each other but now I feel that he's wanting the legality of it all so Avery can have his last name.....I don't know but I think I'm feeling a bit bitter that he didn't do it before the baby. Why should we do it so quickly now and how do I get things in better perspective. I know we really did things out of order and I guess I'm paying the consequences now, just don't want Avery to suffer but I also want things to be right for my heart and head. Give me advice please

I've lost 22lbs of the 44 I gained

There is no more time left for me, this baby is taking every moment and energy plus some. Daddy went back to work on Monday so It's just been me and Avery and she is so very needy. I'm sorry I haven't been able to post more, my flying arms are no longer available to type. But just know that even if I haven't been able to comment I'm still trying to sit and read your post and keep up to date as to what all is happening with everyone.
It's so amazing how much life changes with the birth of a baby. My whole perspective on life is different now. I will never again be the old Robyn, Now I'm a mommy and I'm going to have this new role for as long as I will know....My baby is the most amazing and wonderful thing. She tries my patience and I'm learning so much. I'm learning to stay calm in situations that might have flustered me in the past. I'm learning to eat standing up, one handed while trying to breast feed a wiggling newborn, I've mastered explosive pooping and the clean up and have managed to keep laughter a part of the task, and most of all I have discovered a joy in getting house work done. It is now my happiness to get the dishes washed, the laundry done, and over the weekend I was able to push the vacuum around the house and It was such fun. I'm amazed with how quickly I can do all these things...It seems that I'm so much faster then before I had a child. I 'm just thankful for those moments that I'm able to break away from Avery while someone else holds her.....She's not very pleased with being away from someone's warm embrace and insists on being held ALOT. The fist couple of days home from the hospital, I didn't understand what her problem was. Avery just became increasingly fussy and everyone would say that she was hungry and hand her off to me... I would try and give her the breast but she would scream louder like I was a moron and I would feel bad for not knowing what her needs where. Turns out she simply didn't want to be put down. She would nurse and get drowsy and I would sneakily try to lay her down so I could get some things done around the house and two minutes later, Avery would wake totally upset to discover that she was no longer being held. This little girl has a major attitude which I know she gets from Jamie and it really scares me.
We went to see her pediatrician yesterday and in two weeks of life, Avery has grown from 8lbs 12oz to a perfect 10lbs.....My little girl is a porker! I guess that was the growth spurt everyone was talking about that hits around the two week mark. It's so wild seeing how much she has changed and I'm really gald that my parents will be returning home tonight. They live near me but have spent the past week and a half over seas in London for some conference and they have missed out on seeing their grandbaby, I cant wait to hear the comments on how much she has grown already.
well, I' really need to get off here. Hope you all are doing well, I'm totally overwhelmed in everything but I'm at least keeping my nose above the surface even if I cant keep my head up all the way. People tell me that it gets better/ easier down the road,,,,or is it worse? I cant remember. I've lost some of my intelligence giving birth.

Rory and Avery

uncle Rory with his niece Avery. he looks a little akward with her but I think in due time she will learn to behave a bit better for him. she had had a big day, it was her first trip to church were she got introduced to the congregation and I got introduced to the secret society of nursing moms in the crying room,,,,there were all these moms that I never knew went to our church because they all stay hidden in the Cry room wich is a private room for fussy babies that allows the mothers to tend to the child while still listening to the sermon. however I was suprised with how much yapping went on between mothers in there that I really didnt get much from the service. by the time Avery was done nursing, the pastor was giving the closing prayer and it was time to leave

Avery's first hour September 1, 2005

ok, I really have been teasing you with pictures of my beautiful baby but i suppose i should show her off. I'm so very proud of her and believe her to be the most atractive baby...like stuningly beautiful not drop dead gorgeous but I'm sure that will come in due time
I guess I was just so delighted with how strong and healthy she came out considering how distressing the whole pregnancy was for me. I just felt totally blessed that God had given me this gorgeous pink little person and was amazed that something this fantasticly good was able to come from me. kinda like when you have been working on a project and it turns out better then you expected.
I think my slow exposure of pictures to the world was an effort to capture as many comments as possible but I'll break it down into sections and today i'm offering the first hour of her life.
so comment away, I want to hear all the critisizism :)

I must be deaf

She's still my angel but I guess I'm not doing the best at being a mom just yet.....Couldn't get her to sleep through the night again, well, not totally anyways. My sister and her boyfriend came by yesterday evening and didn't head out the door until almost 11pm Jamie and I had rented a movie (Bourne supremacy) and had been waiting for them to leave so we could watch it. Stupid us thought starting a movie at that hour wouldn't be a problem. We set up a pallet of blankets and pillows on the living room floor and had Avery with us cuddling and nursing and halfway through the film, sleeping.
by 2am I wanted to wake her because my boobies were becoming boulders and I didn't want her getting up during the night so I tried to nurse her before heading to bed, but you just cant force feed a baby so we finally put her in her crib and headed to bed ourselves at 3am....Yes, I know that is ridiculously late to be up but it's so nice not having an agenda these days plus it was Friday night so we were not following the clock.
Well, come 6am, three hours later, I'm woken by Avery SCREAMING mad and jamie knocking the side of my bed with his foot while trying to comfort her in his arms saying 'this isn't going to work' .
my eyes spring open, I had no idea how long she had been yelling, and I feel so bad about it. If jamie hadn't gotten up and taken her, I would still be in dreamland totally oblivious to Avery and her cries for attention....I feel like I let her down or something,,,, that I'm a horrible mother to not be aware of my child.
Guess I really need to keep her closer so I hear her. Evidently this baby monitor is worth crap. Not once have I noticed her cries with it but instead I lay in bed listening to her breathing and fussing about till she gets settled into sleep. I just hate having her in another room....Someone was telling me about keeping their newborn in a makeshift crib using a pillow and laundry basket. Don't know if that constitutes as child abuse but I really am tempted to try it. Maybe then, I'll know what her status is during the night. Everytime I think she's upset through the baby monitor and I get up and make it to her nursery 9 feet down the hall, Avery is cool as a cucumber when I reach cribside. Having her in the same room would allow for me to not just listen to her but also get a visual as to how she's doing.
I knew her sleeping through the night was too much to ask for. Just going to have to keep trying and making the adjustments (and not staying up till 2 and 3 am) hopefully I can catch a nap today.

learning from my 1 week old

I woke up this morning terrified because I had slept until 8 am and the last thing I remembered was checking one last time on Avery in her crib in her nursery and praying that she would be safe through the night and that sids (sudden infant death sydrome) wouldn't be lurking in the dark...Well, It was 8am and in a panic, I ran to her room because 6 hours had been slept through and I just knew something horrible had happened....*crazy panic of a new mother* Avery was absolutely fine,,, she had knocked over her baby monitor so I don't know if she had cried during the night and I just didn't hear her but when I anxiously leaned into her crib to check her breathing she was slumbering away. In fact I had a groggy little baby and had to work to wake and feed her. Her poopy diaper from during the night was dried onto her butt and I had to scrub pretty vigorously to get it all off. I just couldn't believe that she's sleeping through the whole night. We did kinda have a big day yesterday and took her out to Arlington to jamie's parents home for a visit. I just cant get over what a good baby she is....I really believe it has to do with just taking the time to understand what is troubling her which at this point consist of being hungry, needing diaper changed, burped, or simply a little cuddling which is one of my favorite things to do. Just cant place any of these house hold chores above cuddling....That was one of the problems I realize after our first day home. Avery would just be fussing but didn't need/want fed of anything, she simply wanted to be held and I feel so guilty that I had been just feeding her and then setting her down so I could get stuff done around the house. Once I realize what I was doing wrong for her, she's turned into an angle.....My god, I cant believe how much I love this little girl. Words will never be able to convey how overwhelmed my heart is. She is such a real blessing... And she needs me righjt now so I'll post more soon.