we're home

benjamin tanner was born monday at 758am.
the name means : Son of my right hand (because I had to carry avery on my left hip for so long)
I'm not doing very well and will post about the delivery later. Suffering from Spinal Headaches and cant be vertical for the next week. I'm on bedrest till the spinal fluid returns and heals up. We're not moving to my paretns either.....there was stupid drama at the hospital and flowers were thrown so I'm on Zoloft. pain makes a person pretty on edge.
But Benjamin is Wonderful and beautiful and my husband is the best man ever. He's been such a help with Avery and our family is busting at the seams with love.
got to go lay down again. feels like I have a train driving across my forhead right now.
I'll be around to post soon.

today we have our last day to be a family of three. Tomorrow morning I get to rise and shine and hopefully take a shower and possibly shave my legs before heading up to the hospital at 5:30 am to deliver via cesarean. I'm having Belle of Madison http://belleofmadison.blogspot.com/ post the update if everything works out and I remember while in my new mommy haze.
I'm so worried about Avery and how she's going to manage. I'm going to be on my back with nasty staples across my gut trying to pick up nursing again and my sweet little girl wont be able to climb me or wrestle me with a newborn in arms. She's going to have a rough time of it I'm sure. Batman's suppose to be the one in charge of her but at the same time he's wanting to be with the new baby and me but at the same time he's also suppose to be getting our house packed and moved. THere's been so much going on for us this week. I feel Like I've had a small burst of energy trying to get things in order but at the same time I feel like I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished.
Lastnight I managed to get some sleep but the Dreams were the most Horrible. First I dreamed that I reported to the hospital for surgery but my Doc. Was still working on extracting the baby from some other woman. They put the baby on ice till the Doc could sew the first lady up and I'm left out and starving cause they told me I couldn't eat past midnight the previous night and here the Doc was taking well past noon to deliver my baby and give it to me because he had to finish the operation on the first woman who had my baby. I was getting pretty ticked off with the hospital and the Doctor and when I went to see the status of the lady and what was taking her so long to finish up her surgery...There was suture seam all the way around the woman's arms and fingers and face and legs as though the Doctor had cut her open with a Can opener. The doctor was so tired from being in surgery for so long that he was going to take a break and have some lunch before he got to my appointment and I flipped out because I' had been waiting so long and I simply wanted to have my baby.
that was the FIRST dream, super stressed and high axed feeling. I believe it came from the fact that the hospital called Friday morning and told me not to come in for the PreOpp. Visit but instead I could just show up 2 hrs earlier on my Monday for my surgery.

So on to my next horrible paranoid dream:
I received a phone call that woke me up from some strange mystery caller who was expressing how excited they were about the delivery tomorrow. I've received so much praise and excitement towards this new baby that I've lost track of all the people and exactly who said what, so I'm going along with the conversation and thanking this person and saying that I really needed to go , that I had been resting and the person on teh other end says something like how the baby is going to be theirs and I better watch my back. So of course this person keeps me on the phone longer and each time I try to hang up on them, they say something threatening to keep me scared and on the phone. Well, batman comes into the room and hangs the phone up for me but then it's on speaker phone and we hear this person making reservations at some hotel down the street. I've got every nerve in my body alert and we go check out this hotel and talk with the manager who agrees with us that he only people who stay there are criminals and murderer's. Its broad daylight and I'm wondering if I really need to be worried that this person is after my unborn baby. I'll be delivering tomorrow morning and I just am uneasy about things. I step outside of the hotel office and Avery's being held by batman's aunts and then this fuzzy red headed woman comes up and offers to hold Avery cause she's so cute and smiling and next thing I realize, she's taking off across the grass with Avery in her arms. I ask her to not go any further away while holding my daughter but she doesn't listen and keeps on walking at a very quick pace across the yard. I start to yell and chase her and tell her stop and I'm pulling at Avery trying to get her free from this woman who has the strength and bulk of an Ox. I'm screaming at the aunts infront of the office to get batman to come out and save our baby and when I turn back to this scarry childnapper, she's still got Avery in her clutches but also has her thumb resting in my elbow taking my pulse as if to check on the unborn baby inside of me . I just feel so violated and fearful of this woman and her intentions with my children. It was so horrible , I woke up squeezing the pillow between my knees thinking I had climbed up the side of the woman and was kicking and squeezing her.

so tomorrow I go to deliver my baby, I'm so paranoid that this woman will be behind one of the masks in the delivery room. Do I ask to see everyone's face before they begin?

HNT_ last of this pregnancy

I go in for my pre op. tomorrow. my C section is scheduled for Monday. the OB says this baby is smaller the AVery was. my back and my legs are telling me differently. everyday I put on aspercream and my life smells pretty minty. poor batman isnt turned on anymore

we took avery for a second check up with her pediatricain and her ears are just fine!

I think the ER doctor's were too quick to diagnos a double Ear infection. they saw a sick baby with a temp. and figured it was typical ear trouble....
Avery's a breast fed baby and that keeps the ear trouble away. she's not one of those snotty nosed, day care baby's that get stuck with a fake bottle of formula that are always fighting something and end up getting TUBEs in their ears. my girls a healthy natural well cared for baby.
What's wrong with today's medicine?

we are feeling major new teeth arriving on both sides of her lower jaw. that could be some of her discomfort and drainage.....those suckers are sharp too!

Running a fever 102 degrees!

around 1:45 lastnight avery woke me up crying so I got my pregnant ass up out of bed and went to soothe her. when I picked her up she was RED HOT , not sweaty but just simply burning up. all week she's been snotty nosed and sleeping has been difficult for her. she's been fussier then usual but i tributed that to me being a bad example. I figured the nose thing was part of her teething though we havent had it with prior teeth. the snot was clear and I was told not to worry about it.
that is till last night when her temp read 102! I got batman up and we made a trip to the ER at 2am. I cried when they made me put a dressing gown on my baby. I just couldnt dream that my sweet girl was so sick that she needed to be put in a hospital gown and couldnt simply wear her nighty while they checked her. its the saddest thing when you see your baby in a hospital. She was so great and entertained with the latenight out. She had gotten a good 4 hours sleep and was feeling rested but we still needed to have a Doc. check her out.
it turns out she has infected both her ears from the nose draining through her system. I feel like a horrible mother not realizing that my baby was having ear trouble. the staff kept asking if she was pulling at her ears and honestly i didnt notice anything more then usual. She had stuck a Qtip up to her ear yesterday but i thought that was her imitating me. After we left the hospital and had a diagnosis, I saw her sitting in her car seat with her arms up beside her head and thought, Why i hadnt noticed before, but she always sleeps with her hands up around her head. I just felt like I was loosing my mommy inuition. I keep telling myself not to worry so much and that things are going to be fine....and then I'm forced to recognize that my family's health is fleating.
I have 7 more days till i get another baby. I go in for my preop. on this friday. I have to dose Avery with antibiotics every 8 hrs for the next 10 days....tell me how I'm going to be able to keep up with it all. I also have to get my parents upstairs emptied out and cleaned and get my house downsized to fit into two bedrooms.
Oh, and I'm suppose to stay off my feet

HNT- packing it all?

my toilet paper roll holder..... It came into my life when I moved out of my parents home and into my first apartment,,,,when I moved on to another location, I took the tp holder with. I've kept the same toilet paper roll holder with me over the last 11 years. Its the type that has the scented beads though the aroma is long since used up. But now I'm left with the prospect of letting it go....I'm really saddened.
or do I pack it up and keep it as a tribute to my independence that I will some day move back out on my own?
There's so much downsizing of my house to do and letting go of my Tp holder is one of the bigger things in my head right now. That and what to do with my ugly green striped couch.

.........
Avery styling one of the baby toupees from yesterdays link....
not really, thats what her hair looked like this morning. so after she destoyed her crib with a diaper bomb, we (I ) washed her up in the bath and scrubbed out her linen's, her poor unicorn smells like the elephants at the Zoo. The label said to spot treat but I really know I've thrown that thing in the washer before.


.........One more thing to not forget to pack...My belly is stuffed solid. Though the OB says this baby is smaller then Avery was a year ago (8lbs12oz) but then we're also delivering a whole 3 weeks earlier then avery's birth. If the baby is smaller then why on earth do I have more strechmarks? I'm also noticing that my belly curves more to my right side and I believe that having Avery on my left hip has caused this new baby to grow deformed and curved. 10 more days and we'll find out the damage done.

something to smile about

Its for bald babies...found this over off of VIolets blog and had to share
http://www.babytoupee.com/babytoupee_thelilkim.htm

like the picture? I call it.....suicidal pregant chick with knife
WOW, nothing like revealing your darkest hour to recieve some pretty critical words :) but also some encouragment and I thank you for the encouragment. that's the support i was talking about needing.

I'm a little bit relieved about knowing my parents are going to be around but at the same time I think my brain is in a funk and can only opperate on the negative and worrisome. with all that has gone on, and my hormones out of wack, I'm feeling extremely negative and the funny thing is that I can see it and it makes me more angry about my situation. I just want to not be pregnant anymore.......and then I just want somebody else to take over my role as mother and let me get some sleep and maybe focus on myself for a minute. I need a break.
things are getting better...i keep telling myself this all the time but i still over worry about things. currently how do i get any nesting done when I'm moving back into my parents? do I go over there this evening and sterilize from floor to ceiling? how do I get my own shit moved when I feel like everytime I bend over to pick up avery's toys that I'm about to drop benjamin out between my legs?
I wanna hospital bed and I wanna put my feet up and I dont care if they bother me during the night to draw blood and take my vitals.....it will at least put me in a place where i cant feel like everything falls on my shoulders to take care of.

I'm worn the F**K out

please just let me rant and if you have to leave comments....whatever, I'm just talkin' here

saturday batman was nasty and could only place blame on me. I'm needing some emotional support big time, I've reached a super needy point in this pregnancy. i dont feel like i can do anything...avery is frickin 27lbs and 31 1/2 inches pluss I've got about 40 lbs trying to squish and pound its way out of my pelvis right now. my house is a wreck and i'm getting no help. when he packed his bag and said that i knew that I wanted it too...I paused because for the first time I wasnt begging for him to stop and for us to work it out.
It took me back to 9 years ago when my first husband left. I'm not wife material..... I went to the bathroom and hated myself more for the fact that I;'ve failed at killing myself then. It had been a rough week for me. I'm so worn out from everything, I get absolutly no sleep during the night, my body just hurts and my pelvis feels like Its going to break. my legs feel like I've run a 5K marathon during the night and the only thing I'm doing is walking to the bathroom at least 3 times...that and the heatflashes I'm just not rested anymore. then the daytime I've got avery to care for. I just cant keep on doing this.
the baby shower was saturday afternoon and batman had said that if I want things to work out I had better show up. I had my parent pick me up because I didnt trust myself behind the wheel. I'm a nut job and told my mother that I feel like I need to be commited.....
my girlfriends at the babyshower asked what was wrong and I started talking which caused me to flip out and cry and howl andmy MIL was totally not understanding. yeah, I was making an emotional idiot of myself but damnit , that's how I was feeling. It was dreamlike to be handed so many knifes to opene the stupid gifts when if they only knew how bad my mind was, they would have tied me down.
I made it through the shower and was told how ungrateful I am by my oh so supportive husband before he ran off to some harley davidson show.
thankfully my girlfriends came over along with my parents, they really didnt want me alone and it was good to have the company.
Saturday was a shitty day. I think It was just mostly exhaustion and then flashing back to my suicide attempt when my first marriage was over. I'm in a better place today, still fragile and getting no help but we've decided that we're moving back to my parents home at the end of this month. I'm not excited about co-habitating with my parents but at least I'll have extra eye's and occasionally extra hands with avery and her brother, I just need some added support. batman just doesnt get it. He told me yesterday that he figured I had done the pregnancy thing before and that this time It would be easier for me.....when the pregnancy was discovered I told him that I couldnt hang, that my life has been so drained with last pregnancy and getting past the assault that my body/mind hasnt fully had time to heal and here I'm having to do it all over again. I feel like he's forced me to have this baby and the baby shower was just ridiculous to celebrate a new life that i'm having some resentment towards. If this is how i'm feeling before the baby is here, I'm freaked the fuck out about post pardom deppresion. one of the valid points to moving back in with my family.
I keep hearing that things get better and that god doesnt give you more then you can handle.....went to church on sunday and i'm wondering if i still believe in God or if its some crazy feelgood ritual that's been kept around to keep society in moral order. even the pastor was talking about how blessed we are to be able to go directly to god with prayer that back a couple hundred years, we had to make requests of the king in regards to our spiritual future.



avery's got her first runny nose. axilary temp read 98.5
think its from the other babies in the church nursery

Avery's First Birthday party

did we do enough decorations?

i'm in the top left, my mother in the green with her arm out, girlfriends girlfriend Angela sitting in the white shirt, batman's Aunt Gloria in the denim, Avery's step aunt Robbi in the pink and step greatgrandmother with her hand to her chin, the dude in the grey/green shirt at the head of the table is batmans' stepdad Stan.

Still more people... Brother Roman is at front left, Brother Rory is top Right with his little girlpal Emylee in the white dress...(they like to salsa dance together) Notice my protruding belly, and people say I look small for being 9 months pregnant! Its really insulting when they tell me this.
All the little cupcakes I made. the yellow stars are lemon and the pink hearts are strawberry with vanilla frosting. I baked about 4 dozen the day before the party and poor avery was tugging at my apron strings all afternoon. wasnt fun when she got my apron untied and my maternity pants started to fall but we had to get the party ready.We sang happy birthday and had a candle in one of the lemon cupcakes for her. She was more amazed with the group singing then with the fire infront of her. she used her fork like a big girl when it came time to eat her cake.....

....that is untill her second piece from the big cake and great Aunt Robbi took avery's hand and showed her to smash it up with her fingers, Saying : "See Avery, doesnt it feel good?"

Since when do we teach children to play and enjoy the texture of their food with their hands if the baby is happy and successful with a fork?guess we had to get the messy cake shot for a first birthday.

The party was fun. So many people showed...Thankfully we had it at my parents so there was more space but still, with close to 20 people (not counting us) it was busy.
pictures are somewhere, the memory card to our camera was removed by Batman (he's been in a fog with medicating a sinus problem) and set down , he says on the kitchen buffet but with all the party clutter, I'm worried that it got swept up .
Avery came out with some serious loot...My house is a disaster zone! I am understanding first hand the complaint of mothers about their childrens toys, enough is enough. I have to find places to put it all and there are so many pieces to keep up with. It was not such a problem when she was happy to keep her Easter egg collection in an empty oatmeal cylinder but her princess castle and the firestation with all the plastic people and removable parts is too much. I'll get it organized somehow.

Labor day we had rain all day. Something this area has been dry of for several months. It was a great day and batman dropped Avery off at his parents for the afternoon and he and I hit up Sundance square and caught a movie he had been wanting to see (Miami Vice...It was horrible and we ended up leaving early but the popcorn was yummy) afterwards we walked to the Flying saucer and I got to standout with my pregnant tummy drinking rootbeer and a soft pretzel while all the other patrons sat around lifting pints of dark sticky imported beer.
It was strange being away from Avery for the day...I was really missing her (like Really really missing her and couldn't rush to pick her up soon enough) though it was nice to be alone with just my husband. I'm just not use to it. Everyday its me and her together all day and to spend more then a few hours apart, I started feeling sad. I don't know what I'm going to be like when I'm at the hospital on my back after the C-section for a few days. I'm going to miss her little hugs and her crawling all over me. But Labor day , she was fine and had a great time being on her own at her grandparents. The other plus was that she slept the entire night lastnight. They must've really worn her out.
I woke up this morning and just layed in bed waiting and wondering if something had happened to her during the night. My brain was racing with thoughts of head trauma causing her to fall into a coma and not know every little event that occurred the previous day. I think I might have drempt it , but I remember seeing a large bump on her forehead, almost like a burn mark and kept putting aside my guilt of not checking her. I really need to work on my not panicking about her every moment that she's not in view. She's a year old and is prooving herself capable of dealing with life outside of my care. Its lonely at times for my heart but also I feel proud to know what we're moving towards in life. I'm going to be busy with her brother in a few short weeks...These are my last days to have her as an only child . I just want to enjoy them the most possible.
only 20 more days...19 tomorrow.
I'm going to have a baby, a new little one and I'm worried about remembering how to do stuff like bathe and feed (worried about the time demands of breastfeeding) and how I can keep Avery happy and quiet while I try and let my milk down. man, I'm feeling panicked a bit...Deadlines approaching fast and I'm being thrust forward in time....Big breath (I've been doing a lot of that these days)

another HUGE accomplishment made today was one of my own....I went out to my car and cleaned the interior of my windshield.
ever since my assault 20 months ago I refused to clean my windshield because I thought there was evidence from the crime that the police never bothered to look at. http://wwwultrabright.blogspot.com/2005/08/tiny-print-keeps-things-whispered.html

I had it in the back of my mind that somehow I was preserving some prints that could be lifted but all I was doing was hanging onto that night. My windshield was really getting to be a hazard to drive, the visibility was awful but I've had a difficult passing of cleaning up what should have been considered a crime scene. There was some sort of splotchy liquid dried up about 1/3 of the way across the driver's view and I just .....(big sigh again) it was time to let things go and get my life moving forward. I cleaned my windshield.
20 months of it... And fearing that nobody would ever be charged for what they did to me by keeping a dirty windshield , I still shouldn't be suffering though I know I always will in some secret way.

the window looks beautiful now that its been polished. I cant explain to you how it makes me feel, like I have a whole new view ...Its beautiful and whether or not we ever find the animals that abused me, I feel as though there's some closure on my history with that night. IT feels good to be able to see clearly

baby Avery's not so much a baby anymore

feb. 2006 kisses from my girl (5 months old) Sept. 2005 at the hospital admiring my new Avery

today is Avery's first Birthday! (the party is tomorrow at my parents so I'll post more about the celebration later)
but for now, I'll refrence you to this day last year when she first came into the world....
http://wwwultrabright.blogspot.com/2005/09/averys-first-hour-september-1-2005.html


I woke up this morning with her around 5:15 and usually I try to be quiet so she can get back to sleep (hopefully with fingers crossed) but instead i was overwhelmed with the thought that she's one year old today and I just had to sing Happy Birthday to her. That got her happy and bright eyed so we ended up playing 'hand shadows' on the wall with her nightlight for awhile. She's getting so big....I sang happy birthday a couple times and she smiled up at me and I just started crying. I'm so amazed at how quickly the year has passed. they tell you about having a baby but no one lets you in on the secret that these lovely babies grow and start turning into children. I feel so blessed for the opportunity to be her mother and I just pray that that I'm the best mother possible for her. We've had the first year together and we're pretty well aquinted but the lesson I've learned is that just when you think you know your child, they go and change.
Happy first Birthday my sweet darling baby girl, I love you with all of my heart and I'm so proud of you and everything you have acomplished this past year.
*here flow the water works again :)