The party was fun. So many people showed...Thankfully we had it at my parents so there was more space but still, with close to 20 people (not counting us) it was busy.
pictures are somewhere, the memory card to our camera was removed by Batman (he's been in a fog with medicating a sinus problem) and set down , he says on the kitchen buffet but with all the party clutter, I'm worried that it got swept up .
Avery came out with some serious loot...My house is a disaster zone! I am understanding first hand the complaint of mothers about their childrens toys, enough is enough. I have to find places to put it all and there are so many pieces to keep up with. It was not such a problem when she was happy to keep her Easter egg collection in an empty oatmeal cylinder but her princess castle and the firestation with all the plastic people and removable parts is too much. I'll get it organized somehow.
Labor day we had rain all day. Something this area has been dry of for several months. It was a great day and batman dropped Avery off at his parents for the afternoon and he and I hit up Sundance square and caught a movie he had been wanting to see (Miami Vice...It was horrible and we ended up leaving early but the popcorn was yummy) afterwards we walked to the Flying saucer and I got to standout with my pregnant tummy drinking rootbeer and a soft pretzel while all the other patrons sat around lifting pints of dark sticky imported beer.
It was strange being away from Avery for the day...I was really missing her (like Really really missing her and couldn't rush to pick her up soon enough) though it was nice to be alone with just my husband. I'm just not use to it. Everyday its me and her together all day and to spend more then a few hours apart, I started feeling sad. I don't know what I'm going to be like when I'm at the hospital on my back after the C-section for a few days. I'm going to miss her little hugs and her crawling all over me. But Labor day , she was fine and had a great time being on her own at her grandparents. The other plus was that she slept the entire night lastnight. They must've really worn her out.
I woke up this morning and just layed in bed waiting and wondering if something had happened to her during the night. My brain was racing with thoughts of head trauma causing her to fall into a coma and not know every little event that occurred the previous day. I think I might have drempt it , but I remember seeing a large bump on her forehead, almost like a burn mark and kept putting aside my guilt of not checking her. I really need to work on my not panicking about her every moment that she's not in view. She's a year old and is prooving herself capable of dealing with life outside of my care. Its lonely at times for my heart but also I feel proud to know what we're moving towards in life. I'm going to be busy with her brother in a few short weeks...These are my last days to have her as an only child . I just want to enjoy them the most possible.
only 20 more days...19 tomorrow.
I'm going to have a baby, a new little one and I'm worried about remembering how to do stuff like bathe and feed (worried about the time demands of breastfeeding) and how I can keep Avery happy and quiet while I try and let my milk down. man, I'm feeling panicked a bit...Deadlines approaching fast and I'm being thrust forward in time....Big breath (I've been doing a lot of that these days)
another HUGE accomplishment made today was one of my own....I went out to my car and cleaned the interior of my windshield.
ever since my assault 20 months ago I refused to clean my windshield because I thought there was evidence from the crime that the police never bothered to look at. http://wwwultrabright.blogspot.com/2005/08/tiny-print-keeps-things-whispered.html
I had it in the back of my mind that somehow I was preserving some prints that could be lifted but all I was doing was hanging onto that night. My windshield was really getting to be a hazard to drive, the visibility was awful but I've had a difficult passing of cleaning up what should have been considered a crime scene. There was some sort of splotchy liquid dried up about 1/3 of the way across the driver's view and I just .....(big sigh again) it was time to let things go and get my life moving forward. I cleaned my windshield.
20 months of it... And fearing that nobody would ever be charged for what they did to me by keeping a dirty windshield , I still shouldn't be suffering though I know I always will in some secret way.
the window looks beautiful now that its been polished. I cant explain to you how it makes me feel, like I have a whole new view ...Its beautiful and whether or not we ever find the animals that abused me, I feel as though there's some closure on my history with that night. IT feels good to be able to see clearly
pictures are somewhere, the memory card to our camera was removed by Batman (he's been in a fog with medicating a sinus problem) and set down , he says on the kitchen buffet but with all the party clutter, I'm worried that it got swept up .
Avery came out with some serious loot...My house is a disaster zone! I am understanding first hand the complaint of mothers about their childrens toys, enough is enough. I have to find places to put it all and there are so many pieces to keep up with. It was not such a problem when she was happy to keep her Easter egg collection in an empty oatmeal cylinder but her princess castle and the firestation with all the plastic people and removable parts is too much. I'll get it organized somehow.
Labor day we had rain all day. Something this area has been dry of for several months. It was a great day and batman dropped Avery off at his parents for the afternoon and he and I hit up Sundance square and caught a movie he had been wanting to see (Miami Vice...It was horrible and we ended up leaving early but the popcorn was yummy) afterwards we walked to the Flying saucer and I got to standout with my pregnant tummy drinking rootbeer and a soft pretzel while all the other patrons sat around lifting pints of dark sticky imported beer.
It was strange being away from Avery for the day...I was really missing her (like Really really missing her and couldn't rush to pick her up soon enough) though it was nice to be alone with just my husband. I'm just not use to it. Everyday its me and her together all day and to spend more then a few hours apart, I started feeling sad. I don't know what I'm going to be like when I'm at the hospital on my back after the C-section for a few days. I'm going to miss her little hugs and her crawling all over me. But Labor day , she was fine and had a great time being on her own at her grandparents. The other plus was that she slept the entire night lastnight. They must've really worn her out.
I woke up this morning and just layed in bed waiting and wondering if something had happened to her during the night. My brain was racing with thoughts of head trauma causing her to fall into a coma and not know every little event that occurred the previous day. I think I might have drempt it , but I remember seeing a large bump on her forehead, almost like a burn mark and kept putting aside my guilt of not checking her. I really need to work on my not panicking about her every moment that she's not in view. She's a year old and is prooving herself capable of dealing with life outside of my care. Its lonely at times for my heart but also I feel proud to know what we're moving towards in life. I'm going to be busy with her brother in a few short weeks...These are my last days to have her as an only child . I just want to enjoy them the most possible.
only 20 more days...19 tomorrow.
I'm going to have a baby, a new little one and I'm worried about remembering how to do stuff like bathe and feed (worried about the time demands of breastfeeding) and how I can keep Avery happy and quiet while I try and let my milk down. man, I'm feeling panicked a bit...Deadlines approaching fast and I'm being thrust forward in time....Big breath (I've been doing a lot of that these days)
another HUGE accomplishment made today was one of my own....I went out to my car and cleaned the interior of my windshield.
ever since my assault 20 months ago I refused to clean my windshield because I thought there was evidence from the crime that the police never bothered to look at. http://wwwultrabright.blogspot.com/2005/08/tiny-print-keeps-things-whispered.html
I had it in the back of my mind that somehow I was preserving some prints that could be lifted but all I was doing was hanging onto that night. My windshield was really getting to be a hazard to drive, the visibility was awful but I've had a difficult passing of cleaning up what should have been considered a crime scene. There was some sort of splotchy liquid dried up about 1/3 of the way across the driver's view and I just .....(big sigh again) it was time to let things go and get my life moving forward. I cleaned my windshield.
20 months of it... And fearing that nobody would ever be charged for what they did to me by keeping a dirty windshield , I still shouldn't be suffering though I know I always will in some secret way.
the window looks beautiful now that its been polished. I cant explain to you how it makes me feel, like I have a whole new view ...Its beautiful and whether or not we ever find the animals that abused me, I feel as though there's some closure on my history with that night. IT feels good to be able to see clearly
posted by Avery's mom at 7:00 PM
9 Comments:
omg...... i cannot believe she is already a big 1 year old girl.... i know how you feel about the over abundance of gifts and piles of stuff to find a place a for. my goodness girl, in one more month, you'll be the proud mommy of not only your baby girl, but of you baby boy......so much to do and so much to take in.......
I'm glad you shined your windshield up..... i think you made a good choice in doing so, didn't it make you feel a little better doing that? Terribly sad in one way but probably better for you!
take care and keep us posted on baby boy.......
Hey there! Thank you SO much for the comment you left for me. I agree with you 100% that girls are being thrown into the "appearance" look way too young nowadays, it's horrible. Being a survivor of an eating disorder myself, I'm going to do all I can to prevent it from happening to my future children.
I also 100% agree with the fact that you said they would look lustfully at a juicy steak. That is SO true. It shouldn't have to be our responsibility to cover up just so they won't look lustfully at us and have 'dirty' thoughts.
You don't have to apologize for a wandering rant, I appreciate you for stepping forward and sharing your thoughts with me!
I also have to just comment on you cleaning off the windshield in your car. That was VERY touching to read. I have a deep admiration for each and every survivor in the world. Regaining our strength and trust is the hardest thing we'll ever have to do, but when we do it, we truly are the strongest beings on Earth! Congrats on this step! =)
well done you, yet again sweetheart.
you are so strong and caring and just a wonderful human being.
you faced something truely horrific, and always manage to just keep going on through. i know how that feels. and you really are doing a brilliant job.
and you've brought a smile to my face, to see that you continue to move forward.
glad the party went well. too.
That is so great that you cleaned your windshield! It was obviously a big weight to lift. I'm so proud of you. Now you can see clearly... don't let those monsters bring you down. Just concentrate on your little angels, Avery and Benjamin. I can't wait to see his beautiful face!
I am glad to hear her party was a hit. i am so excited t see pics of new baby boy.
So excited that you found strength to clean your windshield. your life has come full circle with your husband and children. you have come so far.
I cried as I read your post and the post you linked. Wow. I had no idea. I started reading your blog late in the game and didn't realize eaverything that had come before it. I am glad you were able to take the step and clean your windshield. It is so symbolic of your healing. Avery and Benjamin are lucky to have you as their mom.
I totally understand being afraid to clean something after being violated. There are still things I won't do in my own house after the break-in. I'm too scared/worried to do some simple things. Stupid, I know...
M~
holy shit. I didn't know about what happened to you. You are a survivor babe. Good job cleaning that window.
I was sad in the hospital when I had my second baby. Max was funny towards me when he came up to visit me and his new sister. He didn't want anything to do w/ me :( He recovered very quickly when I got home, and Avery will to, no matter how she reacts first off. When you are in the hospital, take advantage of every moment you have to rest! You will need it this time more than the first! As for breast feeding, do your best, if you can't do it w/ 2 babies, then don't. Breastfeeding is awesome, but not something to stress yourself out over. I only nursed my second baby for 4 months or so, I just couldn't keep up chasing max around when my avery needed to nurse. Set your worries aside, it will all come together, and avery will adjust just fine :)
I am so glad you were able to clean your windshield. I think that is a major step. Way to go!
Post a Comment
<< Home