Sunday, November 11, 2007

in a week, we'll be at the halfway point.
well not really, i guess it'll be 100 more days (80 down)
I'm really resenting my kids. Never would i have given birth and gone through all that just to suffer their cries alone. he doesn get why i bitch at him in my letters, (cause its easier to say that stuff then i have a boyfriend and want to move on) Efin jerk got us into this mess and i've done it all so let me wine in a letter that he's lucky to recieve from me.
only got 1 letter from him last week and i allowed his mother to take up this weekends visit. I've got to put on some weight cause I'm probably around 115 right now and none of my clothes fit. I miss my tits.
the kids hate me, they look at every man with hungry eyes and i suppose i do too. he had to give me back his wedding band lastweekend after our visit. i had snuck it in previously but the gard spotted it and told him to give it back to me when i was leaving.
this is really not a marriage, him being away in jail and leaving me to hold down the fort and babies. sure he'll be home at some point but in the mean time his position in this family is no longer available.

just babblin' here folks. the day i actually sign papers, I'll tell yall. ( but i'm considering it and its looking so pretty)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

contact cut short

my life unravles further....
didnt have any help for the kids last week cause MIL had a dental appointment one day and then a Dr.s appointment the next (it was only a flu shot but i guess that takes up an entire day of me being able to work and earn a living) so MIL said she'ld help Saturday and i could take what massage appointments came around. well, i had one gift certificate to do and the rest of the day was nothing but piddling around cleaning and shopping since i didnt have the kids, found some new pants and a couple tops on sale so i got gussied up for a first contact visit with batman.
we've been apart for almost 2 months and so much agony has transpired that i didnt know how the visit would go. its as if we're strangers now and trying to find a link to someone who's incarcerated is impossible. well, i wasted too much of the day waiting around for work that by the time i made the 45 minute drive to the other side of Dallas and got transfered through, we only had 15 minutes to spend together and were ushered back our own seperate ways without having anytime to really talk.
visitation's suppose to be 2 hours long but nobody bothered to tell me that i would only have 15 minuts if i went in on Saturday. had i been told that, i could've waitted and gone back on sunday. it was good just the same to see him. i had tears in my eyes and he couldnt understand why, i just said that i missed him. it happened so fast. waiting in the sunshine with hair blowing around my sunglasses, i waited for him to enter the fenced in courtyard used for contact visitation. every few feet, there were seperate benches and tables with other inmates and loved ones visiting holding hands where the guards could see . I had read the handbook and we're allowed to kiss and embrace at the start and finish of each visit and must remain seated on oposite sides of a table. it felt like forever for him to walk the 20 feet to our table, I wanted to run into his arms but wasnt sure if that would draw the guards riffle to me.
we embraced and i wanted to crumble, he sought out a kiss and i felt renewed.

this sounds like a trash novel,
gotta get dinner started cause the babes are about to rouse.
there's not much peace in my heart or mind but another week goes by

Monday, October 15, 2007

I'm a different person now that i'm a single mom. i dont let people get away with being as stupid or insufficient as I use to. guess maybe its cause i'm IT. not allowed to mess up things but instead have to keep this safari on course.

we have 133 days till batman is returned. I've been able to visit through glass but its not the same as having a living breathing person in my life.
Somedays i wake wondering how Its possible that i keep living. these kids are surprising and i'm needing to take time to remind myself to enjoy being a parent. when so much revolves around their daddy being gone, its going to be regrettable to look and see that i've missed such a large gap of their babyhood.

its tough. dont know how to blog anymore. want to cut my heart outwith a grapefruit spoon

Saturday, September 22, 2007

how i've lost so much weight.....