I'm worn the F**K out
please just let me rant and if you have to leave comments....whatever, I'm just talkin' here
saturday batman was nasty and could only place blame on me. I'm needing some emotional support big time, I've reached a super needy point in this pregnancy. i dont feel like i can do anything...avery is frickin 27lbs and 31 1/2 inches pluss I've got about 40 lbs trying to squish and pound its way out of my pelvis right now. my house is a wreck and i'm getting no help. when he packed his bag and said that i knew that I wanted it too...I paused because for the first time I wasnt begging for him to stop and for us to work it out.
It took me back to 9 years ago when my first husband left. I'm not wife material..... I went to the bathroom and hated myself more for the fact that I;'ve failed at killing myself then. It had been a rough week for me. I'm so worn out from everything, I get absolutly no sleep during the night, my body just hurts and my pelvis feels like Its going to break. my legs feel like I've run a 5K marathon during the night and the only thing I'm doing is walking to the bathroom at least 3 times...that and the heatflashes I'm just not rested anymore. then the daytime I've got avery to care for. I just cant keep on doing this.
the baby shower was saturday afternoon and batman had said that if I want things to work out I had better show up. I had my parent pick me up because I didnt trust myself behind the wheel. I'm a nut job and told my mother that I feel like I need to be commited.....
my girlfriends at the babyshower asked what was wrong and I started talking which caused me to flip out and cry and howl andmy MIL was totally not understanding. yeah, I was making an emotional idiot of myself but damnit , that's how I was feeling. It was dreamlike to be handed so many knifes to opene the stupid gifts when if they only knew how bad my mind was, they would have tied me down.
I made it through the shower and was told how ungrateful I am by my oh so supportive husband before he ran off to some harley davidson show.
thankfully my girlfriends came over along with my parents, they really didnt want me alone and it was good to have the company.
Saturday was a shitty day. I think It was just mostly exhaustion and then flashing back to my suicide attempt when my first marriage was over. I'm in a better place today, still fragile and getting no help but we've decided that we're moving back to my parents home at the end of this month. I'm not excited about co-habitating with my parents but at least I'll have extra eye's and occasionally extra hands with avery and her brother, I just need some added support. batman just doesnt get it. He told me yesterday that he figured I had done the pregnancy thing before and that this time It would be easier for me.....when the pregnancy was discovered I told him that I couldnt hang, that my life has been so drained with last pregnancy and getting past the assault that my body/mind hasnt fully had time to heal and here I'm having to do it all over again. I feel like he's forced me to have this baby and the baby shower was just ridiculous to celebrate a new life that i'm having some resentment towards. If this is how i'm feeling before the baby is here, I'm freaked the fuck out about post pardom deppresion. one of the valid points to moving back in with my family.
I keep hearing that things get better and that god doesnt give you more then you can handle.....went to church on sunday and i'm wondering if i still believe in God or if its some crazy feelgood ritual that's been kept around to keep society in moral order. even the pastor was talking about how blessed we are to be able to go directly to god with prayer that back a couple hundred years, we had to make requests of the king in regards to our spiritual future.
avery's got her first runny nose. axilary temp read 98.5
think its from the other babies in the church nursery
saturday batman was nasty and could only place blame on me. I'm needing some emotional support big time, I've reached a super needy point in this pregnancy. i dont feel like i can do anything...avery is frickin 27lbs and 31 1/2 inches pluss I've got about 40 lbs trying to squish and pound its way out of my pelvis right now. my house is a wreck and i'm getting no help. when he packed his bag and said that i knew that I wanted it too...I paused because for the first time I wasnt begging for him to stop and for us to work it out.
It took me back to 9 years ago when my first husband left. I'm not wife material..... I went to the bathroom and hated myself more for the fact that I;'ve failed at killing myself then. It had been a rough week for me. I'm so worn out from everything, I get absolutly no sleep during the night, my body just hurts and my pelvis feels like Its going to break. my legs feel like I've run a 5K marathon during the night and the only thing I'm doing is walking to the bathroom at least 3 times...that and the heatflashes I'm just not rested anymore. then the daytime I've got avery to care for. I just cant keep on doing this.
the baby shower was saturday afternoon and batman had said that if I want things to work out I had better show up. I had my parent pick me up because I didnt trust myself behind the wheel. I'm a nut job and told my mother that I feel like I need to be commited.....
my girlfriends at the babyshower asked what was wrong and I started talking which caused me to flip out and cry and howl andmy MIL was totally not understanding. yeah, I was making an emotional idiot of myself but damnit , that's how I was feeling. It was dreamlike to be handed so many knifes to opene the stupid gifts when if they only knew how bad my mind was, they would have tied me down.
I made it through the shower and was told how ungrateful I am by my oh so supportive husband before he ran off to some harley davidson show.
thankfully my girlfriends came over along with my parents, they really didnt want me alone and it was good to have the company.
Saturday was a shitty day. I think It was just mostly exhaustion and then flashing back to my suicide attempt when my first marriage was over. I'm in a better place today, still fragile and getting no help but we've decided that we're moving back to my parents home at the end of this month. I'm not excited about co-habitating with my parents but at least I'll have extra eye's and occasionally extra hands with avery and her brother, I just need some added support. batman just doesnt get it. He told me yesterday that he figured I had done the pregnancy thing before and that this time It would be easier for me.....when the pregnancy was discovered I told him that I couldnt hang, that my life has been so drained with last pregnancy and getting past the assault that my body/mind hasnt fully had time to heal and here I'm having to do it all over again. I feel like he's forced me to have this baby and the baby shower was just ridiculous to celebrate a new life that i'm having some resentment towards. If this is how i'm feeling before the baby is here, I'm freaked the fuck out about post pardom deppresion. one of the valid points to moving back in with my family.
I keep hearing that things get better and that god doesnt give you more then you can handle.....went to church on sunday and i'm wondering if i still believe in God or if its some crazy feelgood ritual that's been kept around to keep society in moral order. even the pastor was talking about how blessed we are to be able to go directly to god with prayer that back a couple hundred years, we had to make requests of the king in regards to our spiritual future.
avery's got her first runny nose. axilary temp read 98.5
think its from the other babies in the church nursery
posted by Avery's mom at 11:25 AM
9 Comments:
oh honey the baby will be out of your poor body soon just try really hard to hang in there. I am glad you are moving in with your parents they will be a big help to you. if you need to chat pop on yahoo k i am always on
I don't even know you, except form the blogging world and you have been on my mind and heart all weekend. I have checked your site a million times for an update. I am not going to tell you life will be roses once the baby is born, but at least you will have your body back, even if just a little bit. I hope things get better and always know that you are in my thoughts.
oh baby.. i;m so sorry things are so hard for you.
moving with your parents sounds a good plan. you really do need more help. anybody would.
you have done a great job so far and you will again. hormones fear and exhaustion are bound to make you feel like this sweetheart. stay strong and never be afraid to ask or even demand help when you need it.
and anyone who turns you down doesn't know what a wonderful chance they are missing.
hang in there dear one. this will pass.
just put yourself and your babies first. thinking of you sweetheart.
email me if you ever need.
kisses
I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time...just keep your head up. You've got a beautiful daughter, and soon to be beautiful son, and if you're husband doesn't understand that, and cherish them, then he doesn't deserve you or them. Good idea on moving back in with your folks...at least that will take a little off of you, and give you some time to relax your body, mind and soul. Good luck...and keep us updated.
I think you are doing exactly the right thing by moving back in with your parents! you have been through so much and you still keep your head up and keep on going, nothing can beat you but sometimes it's ok to be beaten down for a little bit and get some rest! as for batman I know we can't help but love our stupid men but he needs to get over himself, he isn't the one who's pregnant again and whose body has gone thru so much, if he wants to leave the amazing creatures that you and Avery and the baby are then let him go, maybe it'll make some room for someone mind-blowingly fabulous. in the meantime we all love you and support you and God is there, it's just hard to feel Him sometimes. go be with your family and rest and let someone else run the world for a little while. don't fear postpartum depression, because there is help for that. And if you ever need a place to stay, come on down to NC...
I agree with the other commentors ~ you need to move in with your parents so they can help you thru this. Batman isn't the supporting husband and life partner you need right now. I'm sorry for being so blunt & I will understand if you delete this message, but I need to tell you a few things.
I'm not sure if you know, but my mother committed suicide. There's no worse feeling in the world, for the ones she left behind. I beg you to please get some help after your sweet baby boy is born. I know it's expensive, but there are free agencies that can give you some help. You're right ~ you never had time to heal before you got pregnant with Avery.
I never ever want to read that you hurt yourself or your babies. I know you won't, ok? I'm not saying you will... I'm just scared that you will or have reached your breaking point.
You are a beautiful soul with an extraordinarily beautiful baby girl. Don't let outside forces (BATMAN) rule you, love. You take control of your life after your baby is born & provide a good life for your family.
I'm sorry for being harsh... it's not intended. I do care about you immensely & hope the best for you.
Peace to you.
M~
baby girl, everything you are going through is so normal right now. You two should try to broach couples consuling after the baby gets here, and work on communication and making things work. I am so sorry that things are rough, and I remember my first pregnancy, when I didn't attempyt suicide, but did cut myself and indulge in a lot of terrible behaviors, because I was so fucked up. We are all 'here' to support you. We care about you, Avery, Benjiman and want everything to work out. Take care, and email if you need me.
your husband doesn't deserve you or those kids. hang tough. peace~art
Goodness, you have had a heck of a time with life lately. Life is full of hills and valleys... hopefully, things are about to go back uphill soon. Good luck with everything and keep us all posted about the new little one.
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