so I have an hour before i have to be at work and dont know what to do with my time.
he came and picked up the kids yesterday and had them overnight with his parents while i've been working and the plan is to pick them back up when i finish up this evening. it was so weird becuase even with out the babes i still woke up a couple times during the night and couldnt get back to sleep after 6am. that's normal rousing time for benjamin. so i climbed in the shower and told myself to take as long as i wanted. Do you know how long 25 minutes to yourself can be? i still had hot water after washing and shaving everything but i swear it felt like i had been in there for twice as long so i got out.

lady came into the spa yesterday and she wouldnt stop groaning. she got a $375 spa package and was there for almost 6 hours recieving everything on the menu and i got a flipping 5 dollar tip! she was a hairstylist so the woman knows about gratuity,,,,, i dont know what to say. her son was the one that purchased it for her and made a big deal about not letting her know how much he spent. BUT $5 ?! i did an hour and a half massage, a body scrub, a suana, a bodywrap, and a foot treatment on her, oh and i served her Lunch ..........
people, tip your massage therapist please. its how we make our living.

worked on a french guy named Gabriel and i started freaking out a bit. Boss was leaving me up there to close by myself and i didnt know this dude. i was in the "spooky" room and my mind was running away with thoughts that he was the devil with a French accent. Then he flipped over and he looked like Mr. Bean.

i'm bracing myself for your outlash but i'm going to tell you that batman will be staying here tonight for the efforts of making it to church Sunday morning. He's been trying very hard and i see improvement. this doesnt mean he's moving back home, just staying the night tonight so we can continue making improvements in our lives for the kids sake. going to church is important to me and raising the babies to know that God is special in our world is a task that needs to get started. batman too wants this for the kids and he's starting to make the changes so we can have a good home life. HE's been very irregular and he's not snapped at me , like he's actually showing restraint and its beautiful. he's doing what he needs to be done and i'm getting more respect the last couple days. i think this time apart has been the shock that he needed.

batman had court this morning for one of three unpaid traffic tickets he received while i was giving birth to his son. His mommy took him out there and paid it and is saying they'll take care of the other one so he doesn't have Court again tomorrow in Arlington and get this, they'll even get his stolen ID replaced for him.
He's always had somebody running to fix his problems for him. coming to his aid is a handicap and that's why I've stopped. I'm sick and tired of bailing his ass out of predicaments he's put himself in by being irresponsible.
his mommy said she was doing this so he doesn't go to jail when he doesn't have the money to pay his fines. so he can go get a job and be with his family and kids..... ya right! I want some Major improvements if he's going to come back ever, like if he says something then he's going to do it.

had a dream about MFL last night. he was taking me down memory lane and said we needed to go to the Green Mountain. I turn and look and we're in a valley with slopping grass hills up to our lefthand side. MFL takes me by my hands and starts couples skating/dancing up the side of green mountain.
the night before i dreamt someone gave me a music stand. black wrought iron and i put it in my bathroom thinking how great it was. i can put sheet music on it that i cant read.

I haven't allowed him to come home. He's remained at his parents and i continue to keep house and children very happily. and so every anonymous commenter knows, everything is in MY NAME, not his. its a matter of getting him to go not me having to pack it up and leave.
I have full respect for myself and I've cared for my responsibilities and continue to do so.
If you have the courage and brass to call me by my first name, the least you could do is Identify yourself instead of remaining anonymous in your criticism. THAT IS HAVING RESPECT whoever you are. Do not use my name or i wont post your words to my blog.
GOT THAT?

my husband lost all his money and wallet and ID lastnight and cried to me about how i never talk nicely about him on my blog...... He's a sorry man but I gave him my heart and i'm just as crazy as he is for sticking with him. (that was semi sweet wasnt it?) he mangaged to walk about 20 miles lastnight and wound up on his parents backporch this morning. I guess i could praise him on what a fantastic walker and police dodger he's become.

Avery's eating breakfast, a bowl of mixed cereals but she wanted to keep her purse on her arm while i set her in her highchair. now she's got her spoon tucked away inside her purse along with a coaster, a baby comb, and an inflatable innertube and some play money. She's better at keeping track of her things then her daddy is.
did i tell you that he lost the frickin diaper bag somewhere while "keeping the children" while i was at work? guess its a matter of time before he looses one of them somewhere and i should rethink my childcare.

not so ultrabright tonight

he made a little cash this afternoon.... my friend invited him to join us for dinner. instead of eating he drank several margaritas chased with tequila shots and quickly became belligerent and hateful. i was screamed at on the way to pick back up the kids. i just kept my mouth shut and wanted the drive home to go by without more trouble (for the sake of the sleeping babies in the back seat)

he wanted to go back out drinking and made snide comments how i wouldn't let him.....
(ya think?)
so when i parked the car,i didnt want to bring his trouble inside and i got a sudden urge to leave and threw the car into reverse. never mind that he was already trying to open the back door where avery was sitting. He realized what was happening and began tearing at the open door trying to rip it off its hinges and avery's terrified crying in her car seat. I threw the car in gear and start to take off not knowing where i would go...... he's chasing me on foot so i go down a second street where he almost meets me at the intersection spitting and throwing things at the car. I'm terrified and shaking....i just wanted to go home and put the babies to bed and now he's assualting my vehicle. I called my dad and then I called 911

now he's mad and calling me a traitor and a bad wife. I didn't want him to go to jail, i just want things to be normal and for him to be a better person and not be so horrible and abusive to me. he's never hit me but tonight he was taunting me and would pretend to hit me just stopping short of my face.
its raining and i want to put his stupid cat outside. he's on foot and the cops haven't found him. he's told me that he's not coming back tonight. He's on the way to the Titty bar. I just want him to be safe and that maybe in the morning he will understand how horrible he is to me. that i didn't want for him to go to jail, that i was terrified and wanted protection. i didn't call the cops for him... i called them for me; but he wont see it that way. I'm a traitor and a bad wife...... last thing he told me was that he doesn't consider me a wife anymore and I'm hurting.

for all the grief i was feeling, God gave me a funeral to attend lastweekend. a friends veggie grandma got the plugs pulled and i was screamed at several times for being insensative towards batmans grief...
does he not understand how my world is these days? so i straightend up for him and started trying to be affectionate and supportive passing out hugs throughout the day all the while muffling my own sorrow.
its better this way that i dont have MFL in my life, (I've now deleted all numbers, emails etc. from my files) for all the happiness that talking with him brought me, it caused my marriage so much trouble. we were in so much trouble before all that , it was just nice to have a friend that understood me and was uplifting, now back to trying to hope that batman can be fixed with...... therapy? mood stablizers? my whole family is so worried about me these days and wants me to pack it up and come home. because of the funeral we didnt get to have our meeting with our pastor, something that was suppose to help batman tune into his nurturing self. and he's failed to checkin and find out when the makeup appointment will be. so much for him putting effort into our dwindling situation.....
had to take avery up to the hospital today for her Echo cardio. ; at her 18 month checkup the pedi. heard a heart murmur. wont know the results till probably next Tuesday. in the back of my head i'm thinking its resulted from all the turmoil of her parents, poor babygirl.
Benjamin is sitting up now and things are getting more fun between the two of them. i wonder what its going to be like having to drag these kids around everywhere for the next several years..... its almost so overwhelming.
i asked batman this morning if he had know it was going to be this rough , having two babies this close in age, would he have dropped ben off at the firestation? and he said yes

i put BT's hat (the one from rila/thanks girl! ) on Rhett cause of the wind..

oh, and we got to see baby cousin Rhett over the weekend. my little bro. owes over 5 grand for the bitches attorney fees/ medical exp./ etc. and got reamed a new one by the judge. And my bro just simply wants to have access to his child. this visit was the first time the family got to see Rhett and the babies already 2 months old! but he's beautiful and avery kept trying to call him "bro" (what she calls benjamin)

email from MNL (that's alphabetical baby)

from after my husband called his number off my cell several weeks ago, just posting for posterity's sake

The strange thing is I knew it was him before I answered it. Ianticipated that he would react that way. I don't want a negativeconfrontation.I cannot cause you anymore pain. Knowing that you spent the past 15 yearsthe way you have, the last thing I want to do is cause more destruction.Haven’t I caused you enough?One of the reasons I contacted you is I never felt like this situation wasresolved. Secondly and most important after reading about unforgiveness,I wanted to make sure we both had a chance to move past the hurt andforgive one another.You have a beautiful family and I pray that things work out for the best.You and your hubby will be in my prayers. I am a sucker for the littlechildren and wish the best for your two precious children. They deservea family unit especially in today’s society.I am really good at the whole support thing. I seem to be the one thatall my friends go to for advice and comfort. I only wish you the best.In the famous words of Toy Story, you've got a friend in me. :)

the IDES of MARCH

batman freaked out again and revoked my communication privileges with MFL yesterday. I have to say Goodbye for the safety of everyone. I feel like I'm mourning. the last two nights i haven't slept, its almost like post traumatic stress disorder. after 8 years of trying to get on with my life, meeting batman and settling for a future with him and the kids, to have Mfl come back up was beautiful but wrong for me to have him around. if simply text messages can come between my husband and myself , then the connection with Mfl has to be snuffed out. my heart weeps. my husband is wanting me to write a nasty message to MFl to tell him to leave my life alone,(Belle, I need help with this project; email me) He says that he's out of here if MFL calls or contacts me in anyway...... that's how it needs to be and so i must do the right thing. MFl respects where i am as a mother and a wife and wouldn't think of disrupting what bit of "family" we've got. HE's such a great person still with all the mess of my life . I just hope that he'll still think of me from time to time and know that i still care and always will. it was good to find the peace with him but to loose him all over again................. words do not express my grief, my sorrow, my complete depression and angst. Driving home lastnight I took my suicidal bridge (360 to 183W) at 85 MPR last night because batman was too drunk and drugged to know if we were ok.
Does my life have to return to leaving MFL behind just to be denied by my unloving husband? I sacrificed so much, when will happiness come again for me

an email from my bestest friend

my dear -I want to hear the rest of the story about you know who.How is he doing? when did he get divorced?I'm so happy that he apologized to you - that was such a weird time and I've always been so sad with how hurt you were.have you seen him?I'm off today, if you get a chance give me a call. I'm sorry that this is making things weird with Jamie. Boys are so strange - they can do or talk to whomever, but when we do the same they throw fits. I don't get it. I just blame it on the fact that they are boys.E-mail when you get a chance.
Love you!josanna

so we actually made it to the shrink (the new one) this morning. Batman has meds to pick up and his moods Should be "stabelized" accordingly. I'm sure things would be easier if I didnt open up email from my first love (MFL) infront of him. Emails asking to meet for lunch....... *tension rose and Batmans' demanding to know if I've worked on MFL up at work* and because I've lied in the past, I'm suffering right now.
its so hard to have a jealous husband,,,,, i regret so much our trust issues and i wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I chatted with MFL Saturday night and it wasnt the same because i missed hearing his wonderful laughter but i'm too shy to pick up the phone and call. I'm flattered that he asked me to lunch and would love to go except things are just so rocky with batman and then to juggle the kids, like that would really work. But its so strange to have MFL in my head , like after i chatted with him, I just want more and for my life to be arranged differently . I want things to be easier and not so messed up in my personal life. what am i saying....? i dont even know. its just been a difficult 15 years.

Water Gardens of FortWorth

this is the entrance of the water gardens we went to on my birthday. avery was having a complete blast walking along the sides of the various pools. we stopped earlier in the day and picked up a sundress for her because of how hot the afternoon sun had gotten. and I threw on some flips flops from the backend of the car because i was getting warm myself

not the greatest shot of the family. batman was trying to hold the camera and get all of us in the frame. i finally told him to ask another garden visitor to help shoot a family picture.

the stairs leading down into the big pitt of water. always freaked me out to be stepping down stairs with water passing underneath your feet. but it especially scared me knowing there had been fatalities at this pool. batman had benjamin in the pouch and also carried avery down these steps so i wouldnt be overwhelmed.

here we are with water rushing down around us on all sides.

the very center of this pool consists of blocks that you step across and avery was wanting to step over the gushing water all on her own. I was so scared yet proud of her for being so big and independant. the fact that her shoes kept slipping across the wet stone made it even more nerve racking for me but avery was having a wonderful time.

avery walked along the coast of the meditaion pool. she was so proud of her cloppy shoes that she picked out to wear.

there are sheets of cold water rushing down these walls and avery was scared to lean out and touch the wetness. I kept putting her out towards the wall and she kept climbing up my side trying to stay away from the water rushing down.

it wasnt untill i set her down and she leaned over to touch the water on her own accord that Avery enjoyed the flow of water.

it was a great time and I'm so happy that my daughter will be able to enjoy this place too. the watergardens had been closed for the past 3 years due to some idiot tourist that drowned in the big pool. its the same park except now there's a gate you pass through before going down into the pitt of the big water fall. I'm just so happy my children will grow up to know this place also.

it was a beautiful day and a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

pictures for Belle

avery trying to drive the truck Benjamin in the arms of my old girlfriend dalanna

for some reason we've not been snapping many photo's but i've got the camera's memory chip opened up so i'll try and take a few from today.

other news....has anybody else heard about the 14lb baby born in China? That is one Fat baby!

I'm turning 30 tomorrow.
I'm going to be homeless the end of this month
Benjamin is sitting up with the balance of holding my thumbs.
He's pursing his lips and blows bubbles and has the sweetest little chin that matches his bald little forhead.
I worked on a new client yesterday for a 3 hour session and he gave me a $50 tip. Saturday before was his first time with me and he tipped 30 on an hour and a half. good guy with a prego wife. i gave him my personal number when he asked about long term treatment.
havent talked further with my first love, I want to but my husband is still fragile about everything and I'm sure he's going to remain so. I think its crap because he talks with ex girlfriends on myspace but when it comes to my past, it had better be forgotten about.
I'm thinking about dying my hair red..... but i dont want a mistake right before i age into my thirties.
my back is tired , my knuckles are swollen and I'm not wearing my wedding band. havent felt like wearing it for the last couple of days. ever since my husband started snooping through my cell and dialing numbers.... just not happy with him.
I'll post pictures of the babies soon. dont have alot of hands free or time. they are adorable and benjamin is the cutest boyfriend i've ever had.