Wednesday, September 07, 2005

honey could you get me a glass of water please

I just fed avery and now I wanted to use this free time to write while I can. Seems easier when it is late at night then when the sun is up.
being home is nice but now it has its own hardships. It seems that my personal relationships are wearing thin. I had a breakdown cry yesterday and Jamie did too.....He's having a hard time with things and it's not making carrying for Avery any easier. He's feeling that he isn't getting the credit he wants. I guess I can understand that he's feeling left out of some of the attention but golly,,,I was the one who sacrificed my body, diet, sleep, my everything for this baby. I will now have a permanent scar on my belly and he wants to be hurt over the fact that everyone wants to help me..... Really he should be thinking that it's his job to be my caretaker for the first couple of days being home with a new baby but instead he's feeling (in his own words) like a whipping boy for me. he spent a good portion of yesturday on the phone crying to his aunt about how he's not getting the attention and that everything is revolving around me....uummm, yeah, I just had surgery, ive got a nursing schedule that follows no time, why is he getting to cry to someone while I sit left alone in the nursery wondering when I can use the phone to schedule avery's pediactic check up...that could be something for him to do by I dont want him to feel like a whipping boy
I don't know what to think! It honestly disgusts me that he doesn't understand that right now I do need his help. That is why he's staying home from work. This isn't some holiday. Does he want to be up all hours of the night like I am and have been since this pregnancy first got into full swing. It's wonderful that he's taking the responsibility but really he's jealous over how the baby needs me constantly....If he were avery's mother, he wouldn't be able to hang. Not that she's a horrible baby, She's actually pretty good. We're still getting acquainted but her temperament is pretty easy and I imagine she's going to be a sweet girl. But back to jamie and me complaining....He's upset that I chose not to give Avery his last name and I totally can understand that frustration for him. However, if he wanted her to take a family name, he really should have married me. I was admitted to the hospital under my maiden name, and the baby came home with my name. It can easily be changed but I didn't see how giving him legal responsibility over a child would do Avery any good. He didn't care to make our relationship legal with marriage so he's just got to deal with things.
you all are probably thinking what a screwed up person I am for doing that to jamie but there are also other reasons if you go back into my archives Aug. 5 under the title Tiny print keeps things whispered it explains
anyway, I'm writing too much, I really am very happy and want to be a secure family, but the way jamie is acting now about having to help me instead of playing around and goofing off with his buddies (did I mention that he had the nerve to allow his mother to come over last night?!)
ok , one more quick bitchfest.....I invited for his mother to come over for lunch yesterday so she could see Avery and stuff....It turned into that she could not make it until 4, then it turned into 8pm, then It turned into freaking 10pm, I was so mad that jamie just could tell her to stay home at that hour. He's suppose to be running interference for me so I can take care of the baby and not be disturbed. His mother didn't show up until 1045 pm and I was so mad with her. I don't think she caught my furry which is good but after half an hour of showing her pictures and her unloading a huge bag of crap all over my living room, I just disappeared and told jamie to get her out of the house. can you tell that I'm under more stress. This is suppose to be difficult putting up with a new baby at the home, not babying jamie or tolerating disrespect from his mom.

It seems that Avery is turning into my escape from this madness. Sorry for complaining and making it sound like everything is falling to pieces. Avery is doing well, I'm still exhausted but happy, it's my personal relationship with jamie that is proving to be strained right now. He's just tired and not use to having a baby with all its demands. On a positive note I"M NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE!!!!! and I couldn't feel more hopeful.


Blogger keesh said...

All these emotions for you are normal and as for him, he is a man, men need lots of attention so when a baby comes, they feel put on the back burner. I would say it is important to make him feel extra important, but right now, you have Avery to focus on and until she is on some sort of her own schedule, you can only do so much. hang in there! it will get easier! I don't think anyone reading this thinks you are a bad person for giving your daughter her own name, when Jamie is ready to commit to her Mommy then he can 100% commit to her. Hang in there girl!If you want to know who the heck i am :), you can check out my blog when you have time, but I understand how busy you are.

September 07, 2005 4:51 AM  
Blogger Chris Nystrom said...

As you are finding out, it is a big adjustment brining baby home. A big adjustment for everyone. Hang in there!

September 07, 2005 5:09 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

It will get better. I know it's hard right now but even us married folks go through an adjustment period when bringing home a very new, very needy baby.

I try to remind Joel that I still love him and that I don't mean to take things out on him, and he tries to say the same things back to me.

What does Jamie appreciate you doing for him? Maybe you could take a couple minutes after Avery goes to sleep and just give him a small back rub and reconnect with him. I tend to just ask Joel to do things and forget to say thank you and see how he's doing. Joel appreciates it when I do those things even if it's only for a minute. He also appreciates it when I say "I know I'm crazy and I love you. Don't take it personally."

Anyway hope that made sense. Take care and it will get better.

September 07, 2005 6:07 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Sit quietly and look him in the eye for a few minutes. Go back to center.

September 07, 2005 7:04 AM  
Blogger sqwerrl said...

thanks fer the slams!!!one after another huh!!!well whatever i still love you and am very proud of you!!!i'm so glad that i can talk to you and discuse my feelings with you (and apparently all the blogging world too)i guess that's what shrinks are i'll just resort back too not sharing my feelings with you and just stick with working on our not so perfect relationship and paying bills.i think we work out a little better that way.and as far as me hanging out with my buddies i don't know where you get that from cause i've not once veen thought of leaving your side to go hang out.despite what you apparently think you and Avery are my first thanks for the love just know that i do love you and am committed to you totally.

September 07, 2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Heather/SHTEZQ said...

sounds like a little post pardum deprestion. not only has you life changed dramiaticlly so has his and you are both trying to adjust. just ahng in there. you did the right thing about the last name. my fiance now is not the fater of my twins we got together when i was pregnant and he said when he marries me next year he will adopt the boys and that is how it should be. get your life together as a couple and family first honey you are a great mom and it will only get better and more enjoyable.

September 07, 2005 9:03 AM  
Blogger grody jo-dee said...

what you are goin through with jamie is totally normal. it's just hard to deal with a new baby and still feel able to give to your adult relationship. p. felt the same way as jamie at first. just realize that you're still hormonal, and you're probably sleep-deprived. he's stressed as well, i'm sure. things will stabilize as you get into a routine with little avery. she's beautiful--and i'm sure that your life together as a family will smooth out soon.

September 07, 2005 9:13 AM  
Blogger mw said...

It's a juggling act and you are still feeling the hormones. You have your priorities right. Avery comes first.

September 07, 2005 1:28 PM  
Blogger ~*Stephanie*~ said...

It really does bite but, its all normal..Me and Jamie had the same issues girl it was bad..Avery is just beautiful girl..I am so proud of you..


September 07, 2005 1:56 PM  
Blogger addict said...

... this is a huge adjustment for all three of you and all of you are going to be sorting out some pretty strange feelings...
Know that everything you both do and feel now is right, but sometimes it will feel all wrong... This is all part of the package. Take a deep breath, rest while you can and know that if you and Jamie can make it through these first years, you can do anything!

As for the name... my daughter did the opposite as you... gave baby b/f's name, now she regrets it as he is 2000 miles away and not involved with the little guy (not that Jamie would do that), but it is easier to change the name when you get married than it is to undo it later. Besides if you marry, it really will be all three of you becoming a family, it could be very VERY symbolic.
*hugs to all three of you*

September 07, 2005 2:06 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Of course you're not a bad person for giving Avery your last name. YOu are very right, if he wants that privilidge,he has to commit and that's that. I agree with Kish that it's a typical male reaction to want attention also but he has to do some adjusting also.

What bothers me is what sounds like resentment of the attenion that you are getting. Dammit you just gave birth after 9 months. It is no day in the park.

My advice for what it's worth it to let him know how much you need him and thank him for it. He needs an Avery job.

Sqwerrl, this isn't slamming, it's a cry for help. She needs you a lot right now. Sure it'll change dynamics some, but the center of it all is that you love each other.
Love and blessings and ((((hugs)))),

September 07, 2005 7:35 PM  
Blogger JUST A MOM said...

It takes guys a little,,,no sometimes a lot longer to GROW UP!!
You did good by giving Avery your last name. You hang in there and think of you and her. Cangrads, sorry it took so long to get here I had the wrong thing saved on my favs.

September 12, 2005 11:11 AM  

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