Sunday, November 19, 2006

we dropped the babbies off with MIL and it only took 20 seconds to walk from the frontdoor to the truck! (amazing cause it usually takes about 25minutes to get everything ready and loaded for an outing.)
Batman and I didnt know what to do with ourselves since we were childless. I recomended running back home and having some private grownup activites but he didnt sound like that was reasonable. so I said , "fine, maybe we could just run back home and catch up on some sleep"
Batman just rolled his eye's
on the drive to drop the kids off, we kept trying to figure out what we wanted to do while we were baby free. I recomended catching a flick, He said we could go "house jumping" to visit friends with out the tag alongs.

upon arrival at MIL's, I quickly pulled out my tits to nurse BT, Avery pulled out her basket of toys and got lost in fun. once BT was fed, batman and I made our exit still not knowing what or where we were going.
first stop was to visit our friend Burrito and praise him on his newly painted bathroom and kitchen. it was green and looked like a tropical rain forest. the color was called Cactus flower

While we sat around and watched the paint dry , I finally came up with the idea to hit up the batting cages.... I figured it was something that my man might enjoy and the weather was nice, not to mention that's something that we wouldnt ever drag our babbies too at least not for another several years.
we went to the PuttPutt just the two of us, and walking into the building the place was packed with black people and it hit me how nervouse I was. this was the same Putt Putt that I was at the afternoon before my rape. I tried to put those thoughts out of my head and still have a nice date with my husband. BUt while we were paying for our tokens to knock some balls around, I couldnt help but mention my memroy of the last time we were THERE . I started to tear up and shake and batman put his arms around me for a moment to help clear the air.
I dont like thinking of that day. but it still fills my memeory at least a couple times a week. I've become racist and I worry about how my pained attitude towards black's is going to affect the raising of my children.
I need to work on it. I've tried to meditate on some positive thoughts and realize that we are all just people that deserve love. I admit Its just crooked in my head after being gang raped by a bunch of black men and never having any closure or charges put up agaisnt anyone.

BUT On to the story of taking my pain out on the batting cages . I wasnt going to let my pained memory of this place tower over the rest of my life. I was strong and I swung and I did alright as long as I kept my eye on the ball.
my right earring got stuck on the protective helmet at one point and when we were back home and I went to give avery her nightly bath, I looked in the mirror and realize that i only had the hook in my ear, that the decorative dangle was missing. these were some special earrings that batman splurged on me when BT was only a week old and I'm devistated that they're not a pair anymore.
one of my earrings was missing the night the cops found me. that and my shirt was turned inside out.
dont want to linger or write about that badnight. just wanted to say that we went to Putt Putt again and my emotions are feeling smooshy and bruised.
we watched Moulin Rouge on Saturday,,,I think I really love that moving. "the greatest thing in life is to love and to be loved in return"
plus I think I have a slight crush on Ewan Mcgregor.


Blogger Osbasso said...

I think the fact that you went back there at all says alot about your strength and courage. And to actually stay and hit balls is great! I think you're getting past it. You'll never forget it, but you're not letting it keep you down! Yay!

November 20, 2006 12:25 AM  
Blogger aughra said...

You are brave. And beautiful and wonderful. I kind of like that you lost the earring - you've come full circle. You lost the first one to something horrible, and you lost the second one to a day of growth and fun with your husband.

November 20, 2006 7:15 AM  
Blogger Heather/SHTEZQ said...

You are a strong woman and We are proud of you courage hey i love ewen and that movie i have tha sound track. gald you had time with batman

November 20, 2006 8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are very brave for going back there and actually staying there to hit some balls. As for your racist feelings, I think it is probably natural to have the feelings you do after such a traumatic experience. For your children, try not to make it their burden, too. I lived with someone who said very hateful things about certain races and it only made me feel sad, angry, and alienated from them. We have now learned to not bring up certain topics.

November 20, 2006 9:35 AM  
Blogger greekchickie said...

I'll be very brutally honest with you. I have so many similar feelings that you have after having my burglary. I am still traumatized ~ still have nightmares that he's coming in, etc. Bloggy friends told me that it's perfectly normal to feel this way, even months after the fact. I still feel weird about it & still harbor ill feelings, just like you do. But I try not to. Every day, I try to disassociate myself from the past. It's so tough, Robyn. I hope you can find the closure you need one day. I do too.


November 20, 2006 4:54 PM  
Blogger mistyblue3 said...

Good job on going there again. Facing your fears, or part of them. I don't know if your feelings about that race will change. Maybe you could seek a friendship w/ a black mom, perhaps finding some goodness and kindness in her, would help ease your feelings in other areas. This is not at all the same, but I HATE snakes, w/ all of my being, I have a terrible phobia- I don't want my kids to have the same fear as I do, so I go out of my way to appear as normal as possible around them when snakes are near. Nevermind, that's completely gay, and not anywhere at all near to what your situation is. What about therapy? I assume you've had it, right? what do they say about it?

November 21, 2006 10:56 AM  
Blogger Avery's mom said...

misty~ I've had therapy but we didnt even get into my racist feelings. we were just barely coping with all the emotions of being pregnant and not knowing paternity. I probably should go back and get some more. my life has turned full circle with a second child that we now know are both belonging to batman. there's just residual emotions that come up from time to time and one of them is a poor attitude towards people of color. especially in groups.
your snake fear isnt gay, its a phobia and its real. i completely understand

November 21, 2006 11:42 AM  
Blogger art said...

You're a very strong lady going back there , staying and hitting some balls. peace~art

November 22, 2006 6:42 AM  
Blogger Shan'Chelle said...

HAPPY TURKEY DAY YOU TURKEY! I think that it is a positive thing that you are facing your demons...that being said I'm so sorry you have to face these demons. ((((((HUG))))))

November 24, 2006 12:38 AM  

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