prozac, pregnancy, & palak paneer

It's another week and I don't have anything on my agenda other then be healthy. I cant think of another time that I was this 'healthy' if you call being 40 pounds overweight healthy. I'm not drinking, smoking, and I'm cutting back on the cursing. My mental health is all over the place but leveling out a bit ( I think ) I quit taking my prozac because I cant nurse my baby while on it and I want to give Baby Avery the best. I want to feed her the good old fashioned way with nurturing Boob juice, Its the best for baby and for mommy. I figured it would be better to go off the antidepressants before I got to my post pardom blues.
Just figure I'm handling the pregnancy a lot better then I was before and actually happy about the future of my life. To be honest with you, there was some really dark thoughts I was having due to the flux in hormones plus a nasty case of post traumatic stress disorder due to being the victim of a gang attack back before I knew I was pregnant but that's getting too personal for this blog.
Point is, by the time the porzac numbed me up, I was ok with my body changing and I didn't feel like I wanted to die, I'm still seeing my shrink but she doesn't tell me anything other then to relax and take care of my baby. It's funny to be paying someone to listen, that's what friends are for (or blogger) only you guys actually give me encouragement and little pieces of wisdom and I thank you.
Maybe I should just quit seeing my shrink until I'm not managing things. I mean, why am I keeping her abreast on my account of pregnancy? Why cant they just say all pregnant women go nuts and diagnose me with 'pregnancy disorder' or something... (sorry to the women out there who have it all together) my suspicion is that those women are in denial and are comfortable in their pregnancy....Actually that's exactly what my trouble has been. This pregnancy came up as a surprise to me under the worst circumstance, after my attack I had been treated at the local hospital, give the morning after pill and told I would menstruate in 2days to 2 weeks, never happened so the acceptance of my body changing and finding a love for this baby has been extremely rough for me.
yes, if your wondering what I'm talking about....Just have a hard time saying the R word

I was blessed so much that I have a wonderful man that wants to stay by my side through all of this garbage. We don't talk a lot about the specifics, We just do our best to keep moving in a positive direction in life. Looking forward to the happiness that a new baby can bring

Well, I wrote about stuff that I said I wasn't going to post on bloger, not really stuff for the public, but then I don't have anything to hide. It's just not stuff people share
On another note, I went to church with my Dad. Since all the problems between him and Mom this past week, Dad and I went to Countryside Bible church, my older bro. Ryan attends there with his wife.
It was very enjoyable and I had been wanting to visit for several months now. I loved the music because we got to use hymnals and read the music along with the singing. My parents other church tries too hard to be modern and play all the 'new' praise songs that no body knows, plus the music director get's lost in the music sometimes and really isn't helping the congregation along so It comes out a jumbled mess. I pray that it isn't too offensive to Gods ears. I just use that as inspiration to sing even louder and hope that it creates harmony with the others doing the same.
you know I don't know if I really should post this. I've just been rambling around and I talked about stuff that I don't like. Maybe for another day or I could just make this unbearably long so no one makes it through to the end if they actually start reading.

Tomorrow I have absolutely nothing to do, I plan on seeing my mother and possibly having lunch with my good friend Robert. He's my long time friend from India and runs his own squishy mart. Fantastic guy who just wants to quit working but doesn't know how. His life is consumed with money. And I would hate to be like that. When ever we get together, he's always talking about some crazy investment he's looking at because some 'hot babe' is trying to get into his money. He's a sucker for the ladies which cracks me up. Typically when we get together I indulge in Indian cuisine, but since I've been pregnant, it really hasn't tasted the same. I'm so disappointed, because I love a good Indian dish of palak panneer and now my baby Avery is messing up my tasted buds.
The only real craving I've had during this pregnancy is for Dairy. I go through a gallon of milk in three days all to myself. I figure that's how she's growing so big. My uterus is crushing into my xyphoid process now and bulging out between my ribcage, good thing they are elastic. Still have about 7 more weeks till my due date but I'm hoping the doc says to have her early, all the milk I've been drinking is growing her bones bigger then my body can take.
Well, i hope this is long enough for you guys to wonder and forget about all that I wrote at the start. Maybe I'll post a bunch of pictures so you can comment and feel like you visited for awhile. I dont mind if you coment on this, just feel weird talking about certain stuff...yeah, i know there is always a delete button but that doesnt make things go away for me. Things happen for a reason but I cant make out any purpose in being vicitmised. especially just to wined up pregnant afterwards. it's the scarriest thing to endure but I guess God has some lesson for me. If I were to say right now what that lesson was, I would say it has something to do with understanding love. I'm having to find a love that heals for me, while become strong again to love someone new that is a part of me. wether or not she was a result of the attack, I'm still having to care for her being that she is inside me...I' m about to cry now so
I made some jello and it should be set, gotta go look for the cool whip