ultrabright

2007-11-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

in a week, we'll be at the halfway point.
well not really, i guess it'll be 100 more days (80 down)
I'm really resenting my kids. Never would i have given birth and gone through all that just to suffer their cries alone. he doesn get why i bitch at him in my letters, (cause its easier to say that stuff then i have a boyfriend and want to move on) Efin jerk got us into this mess and i've done it all so let me wine in a letter that he's lucky to recieve from me.
only got 1 letter from him last week and i allowed his mother to take up this weekends visit. I've got to put on some weight cause I'm probably around 115 right now and none of my clothes fit. I miss my tits.
the kids hate me, they look at every man with hungry eyes and i suppose i do too. he had to give me back his wedding band lastweekend after our visit. i had snuck it in previously but the gard spotted it and told him to give it back to me when i was leaving.
this is really not a marriage, him being away in jail and leaving me to hold down the fort and babies. sure he'll be home at some point but in the mean time his position in this family is no longer available.

just babblin' here folks. the day i actually sign papers, I'll tell yall. ( but i'm considering it and its looking so pretty)

contact cut short

2007-10-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

my life unravles further....
didnt have any help for the kids last week cause MIL had a dental appointment one day and then a Dr.s appointment the next (it was only a flu shot but i guess that takes up an entire day of me being able to work and earn a living) so MIL said she'ld help Saturday and i could take what massage appointments came around. well, i had one gift certificate to do and the rest of the day was nothing but piddling around cleaning and shopping since i didnt have the kids, found some new pants and a couple tops on sale so i got gussied up for a first contact visit with batman.
we've been apart for almost 2 months and so much agony has transpired that i didnt know how the visit would go. its as if we're strangers now and trying to find a link to someone who's incarcerated is impossible. well, i wasted too much of the day waiting around for work that by the time i made the 45 minute drive to the other side of Dallas and got transfered through, we only had 15 minutes to spend together and were ushered back our own seperate ways without having anytime to really talk.
visitation's suppose to be 2 hours long but nobody bothered to tell me that i would only have 15 minuts if i went in on Saturday. had i been told that, i could've waitted and gone back on sunday. it was good just the same to see him. i had tears in my eyes and he couldnt understand why, i just said that i missed him. it happened so fast. waiting in the sunshine with hair blowing around my sunglasses, i waited for him to enter the fenced in courtyard used for contact visitation. every few feet, there were seperate benches and tables with other inmates and loved ones visiting holding hands where the guards could see . I had read the handbook and we're allowed to kiss and embrace at the start and finish of each visit and must remain seated on oposite sides of a table. it felt like forever for him to walk the 20 feet to our table, I wanted to run into his arms but wasnt sure if that would draw the guards riffle to me.
we embraced and i wanted to crumble, he sought out a kiss and i felt renewed.

this sounds like a trash novel,
gotta get dinner started cause the babes are about to rouse.
there's not much peace in my heart or mind but another week goes by

2007-10-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a different person now that i'm a single mom. i dont let people get away with being as stupid or insufficient as I use to. guess maybe its cause i'm IT. not allowed to mess up things but instead have to keep this safari on course.

we have 133 days till batman is returned. I've been able to visit through glass but its not the same as having a living breathing person in my life.
Somedays i wake wondering how Its possible that i keep living. these kids are surprising and i'm needing to take time to remind myself to enjoy being a parent. when so much revolves around their daddy being gone, its going to be regrettable to look and see that i've missed such a large gap of their babyhood.

its tough. dont know how to blog anymore. want to cut my heart outwith a grapefruit spoon

how i've lost so much weight.....

2007-09-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hhmmmmmm,

2007-09-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, licking is more for Dogs then for people but I'm sure he meant well. I'll just settle for a hug,,,, a virtual hug for sure cause I'm a bit frightened of getting wet. take that how you will.

;)

8 days

2007-09-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

since I've talked with my husband. they transfered him to another unit where he'll do the next 6 months and I havent seen him in 14 days now. I cant remember a time that we didnt talk for this long. its so hard not having him a part of our world. the kids are getting big and are forgetting what its like to have a dad around. its like he's died.
I'm sad. Wish i could have a boyfriend.

not fun

2007-09-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

so he's not been getting much sleep but says that the time awake give's him availability to consider how he's messed up our lives. still cute to me and the jumpsuit brings out the green in his eyes.

a Cave family

2007-09-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

so we're a week into his sentence and i'm managing things SO Much better then i thought it would go. very stressful at times with all the screaming that goes on in the house but its at least just the kids and not my voice.

I'm so happy to see my friends on here and apologize for not making it around to comment though i've read your blogs. hands tend to be so busy and always ocupied with diapers and feedings...... gosh, feedings make me feel like i'm a farmer to swine. seriously, i'm able to cook up some sort of breakfast in the mornings and throw it out on a tray in the living room while the babes just sorta fling it around and get some in their mouths. its impossible to sit down and actually spoon it into benjamin's mouth cause then avery's not eating and wants to "help" spoon it and then its a half hour later with the same mess and only one child's eaten. I'm doing what works but sometimes I wonder how badly I'm making it at motherhood.

avery's Brilliant, she only just turned two lil' over a week ago and when i asked her why benjamin was acting so bad and screaming, she simply put it, " Dada." meaning, because dad's gone, benjamin's acting up. avery's just smart and amazes me.

its going to be so weird living the next couple of months just the three of us and then having to reintroduce their father to them. that's the roughest thing to think about cause in the mean time, we'll have developed our lives without his presence just to have him intrude once again. hopefully it wont be too abrasive. Itll been nice. I miss having him. my feet need massaged.

people still read here?

2007-09-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. Life's taken some turns and i've been focusing on home life with the Husband. I apologize for my long absence, its done me a bit of good returning to the REal world. ;)
Today was the Day that Batman was put away. i get to be a single parent for the next 180 days and have Absolutley No support group other then the people who helped make his stay longer (my parents).
We have a new fish and i'm not suppose to let it die, dumb fish doesnt even have a name. its a Beta with Red and Blue all throughout but the glass rocks in the bottom of his bowl are lite purple. think I'll call him Francis.
Pavarotti Died.
not much else other then I've realised I have a Mega fondness for Cavemen. that Geico comercail got me started and then we watched the Flic. the Clan of the Cave Bear and i just cant stop myself . Neaderthal Forever Baby!

funny things

2007-07-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

My life's so full and fun right now. I want this life to go on and our family to enjoy the day's we're blessed with. these pictures only show the few bits of laughter that happens in my world and I'm sorry that i tend to write the grizzly bits that should get swallowed. I've been told to put a rock on my heart but there's no rock big enough. so to help balance, i give you our silly snap shots.....

Datenight on Saturday was good. we went to Zubar out in lower Greenville and danced for MANY hours (that's why I'm glossy) batman's a dancer and we recieved several comments of how we compliment each other and make such a great couple. this is how we met and its been since before the babies that we've made it on the dance floor. this was a reward for us that had been a long time coming.

My Mom on Skates (yes, she's handicapped with MS)

Fire works on the Forth of july and we're tumbling around in a packed parking lot outside of Bedford Boys ranch. Avery's modeling her handstand

Avery's finally made the move into her big girl bed (but we're still sleeping with a sucky and unicorn)

...................

eating spaghetti and I'm wearing it on my face too

so now that you've hopefull smiled at my pictures I'll only write this, Batman's going to court on Friday, I didnt realize that the 20th was so close. its such a dreaded issue and we're loosing negotiation power due to some more crap loaded on by my over zelous parents. it's coming and there's no preparing for it, its worse then taking some test that i didnt study for........ I suppose I'll be ok but the thought of him having to do time and me suddenly being left as a single parent just doesnt thrill me. its harder now that we're getting along , to think that we only have 3 days left.

you're gonna think

2007-07-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

the only time i post a picture is when i am naked or when the kids are in the tub, lol well, here's both of those things in one photograph!

I spent a tiny bit of time down by the pool today while the kids were napping and batman and I took a dip just to cool down. simply laying out in the sun was causing me to prespire in way's I've never done before. at one point i wanted to check my pulse because with the heat and the sweat acumulating, it felt like my heart was going to beat outside of my chest. it was pretty intense but ultimatly relaxing.
when i came inside my skin began to sting and i realized that the baby oil was a tiny bit extreme with the Sun exposure but at least my farmer's tan is disappearing. was wondering if the white made my tit's appear larger.... ya think?

So this is Wednesday night and as close to half nakkid Thursday as i'm going to get with my work schedule. Man, its going to stink having to wear clothes tomorrow. at least I'll be in a dimly lit massage room.
Batman's planning a night out dancing on Saturday. that is till he sees that I've posted yet another half nekkid picture of myself online (this is the only address that I appear on) but the night out sounds like fun and i've been getting more excited about it the closer it comes.

gotta run

2007-07-03T19:08:00.001-07:00

I dont want you to read my shit jamie

its a Full Moon, everyone howl!

2007-06-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

i'm not wearing any makeup or clothe's!!! woohoo!!! I got a REAL Massaage tooday! I cried like a baby and all my walls came down. the therapist (bipolar girl from work) stopped after about 25 minutes and said that she wouldnt be able to fix everything in one session but she couldnt leave me this raw so she settled my feathers and left me on the table with stuffy sinuses and crumppled tissue's in my paw..... i was confused by the clock because it felt like i had been there an hour.

had an exahusting day up at the Spa today. worked from 9-6 WITHOUT ANY DOWN TIME... i managed to stuff some bits of a Cheff salad in my mouth while i had two ladies in a "Set ME FREe" body wrap (we guarantee 4-15" in body fat loss in one visit) the first lady lost nearly 11 and not in the area's that she needed and the second girl only shrank about 8 but that's average...
Batman got the notice that he's a wanted man now for Domestic abuse. I told him that it was coming.... he didnt take me seriously . back when the Cops had to come to my work and then the house, my parents brought over photos' from 6 wk's earlier.... ITs consequences he's going to have to face but its just such a slap in the face now that he's seriously and finally seems to have his head out of his ass. He's been so encouragning to me but we both know that this legal mess is only going to pull us against each other. I'll become bitter that i'm left to manage our kids and the fact that he's put me in this spot. It sucks. I dont know what to do.
bipolar therapist seems to be a bit psychic and is offering to do a tarot card reading, SHE's OUT THERE but she give's me alot of credit and I appriciated her care today.
Did you know that tobacco makes an excelent "offering" of gratitude for Tree's when you Hug them and unload all your negative energies onto them?
Think they need a lighter?

2007-06-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

yup I repeat myself not only in my personal life but in the things i post on blogger. i think I mentioned the bed making twice... lol SHow's you what a big deal it is to suddenly find myself with a partner that helps out and Actually participates in our lives together.

couple of weeks ago he messed things up at my work. he's no longer allowed legally on the premisses and he disappeared to his mother's house and found my car parked at MFL house... there was no bloodshed but I suffered some pretty brutal name calling for about a week. then it slowly changed into words of him missing me.
HE's made breakfast for me every day, packed lunch for the day's I'm up at the Spa, and we've had several days out at the lake together as a family and its been wonderful. This is the guy that got me to fall for him 6 years ago. I had forgotten. one more topic of praise for Batman, HE Excuses himself after he farts even if he's in the BAthroom! That might not be the most pleasant indicator of improvement for ya but its a relatively BIG thing for him to begin to show consideration for others and a man's going to fart on occasion so I'm thrilled that he's showing some thought towards making my life more pleasant.
I'ld almost go as far as saying he's wonderful and i love him.

life's a long journey and if we can learn from our mistakes and start making each other's life pretty and enjoyable... well, he's just loving life again cause we're being good.
i'm missing MFL but I think that relationship has moved into being friends and comfortable. He never claimed me before and he's not going to now. it hurts but I've come to terms with the relization that he allows the woman to run the show and I'm not in a place that allows for me to chace him.
the last several months of my deteriorating marriage, i made some decisions about future relationships. I've always in the past been the one to Seduce and pick my mate and I've done lousy at picking nice/good guys. I determined that for once I'm going to hold out for the guy to seduce me. i want to be swept off my feet and for the guy to come to me ,,,, Batmans' doing just that and it feels so good. I dont understand how we got so off course but its nice to find my husband's affection and praise once again.

2007-06-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've had so much going on in my personal life. Batman has left and been done with me. but as of Father;s day been reunited with an old love. I've not known him to be this affectionte and mushy since the first several month of our dating......
\

He's still got jail time ahead of him ...... he's helping me make the bed every morning after we get up/

Work is over booking us. I did over 8 appointments today and i'm expected to work tomorrow... havent seen my boss in over 3 weeks. thinking of opening up my own Spa. dont feeling like sharing my tips with the people that pick up towels occasionally.

benjamin is almost 9 months and has ONE tooth. Avery thinks she's a 2 year old allready and tells me "NO" while stopping her feet.

batman is kissing my ass everyday making the bed as soon as we climb out in the morning. but I'm still uncertain of his long term comittment to the family.

blogger has been put on the back burner and I doubt my skill in posting anymore.

i miss my virtu al frieneds. Rilah, you need to activate your voicemail capabilities so i can leave you a mess next time.

:)

all is floating. no sign of distress for another nautical mile

2007-06-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

the urologist pulled on benjamin's lil boy part and made him cry. evidently i wasnt cleaning him well enough and didnt know to yank on it till almost erect. Dr. said he was fine and to not bring him back. made batman smile to hear that jr. size is great. the Dr. just said it looks small now cause Ben's so well fed and has a pooch to hide inside. I'm just glad we dont have to continue with these visits and ben's been given a clean bill of health.

we have to find a childsitter soon. batman's going away for an unknown amount of time and its just going to be me and the babies. think we'll be alright. we were great while he was gone out of state for a week but this time it's probably going to be a month or two. probably wont still be married unless someone speaks up and tells me to do otherwise but no one is. its sad...... these last few days together and i'm trying to create a sense of peace and some happy memories for everyone. we went to the lake with the kids on Sunday, had a date night Monday (dinner/movie) with batman and its all going to be ending in a week. he's not talking about it a whole lot. more worried that i'm going to return to talking with MFl while he's away but if the marriage is over....... I'm just torn in so many ways. ( its jail if yall really were wondering)

oh and it's my parents 38th wedding anniversary today! i've always' dreamed of making it to the Big 50 year anniversary..... i think that year's gift is a trip to the moon. oh well.

2007-05-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

so yeah, I'm dealing with a beast cause he read my "batman bashing" words in the previous post.
just cause i'm honest about life and say it s more difficult with him home, he has to get his panties in a was and become the jackass of the day. WHen are things going to ever get to normal .
I really do need a lock and key for my diary. i didnt think my words were so hurtful or even wrong. but i guess he feels differently.

happy Family

2007-05-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

he came home after a week long trip to Louisanna. we've got our wedding bands back on. seeing how this goes. its been more difficult having him home then dealing with the two babies on my own for a week. Benjamin's got a follow up with the urologist tomorrow. will keep you posted.

sorry i've been so slack on posting on blogger. I've been cheating with my other blog mostly cause the comments i recieve about my personal life are getting to be so hurtful and rude here .

the delete buttons getting to be my closest friend these day's . I'll type something and retract it and try it all over again. nothing's coming out of my head , i've got so many fences up

i've got a notebook on my nightstand that i'll scribble in but I'm thinking i want one of those diaries with the little lock and key.

I drempt lastnight that i was on a scuba diving team, something like a crew of firefighter's but we worked in the water. I had to extract a 12 inch needle from my hand , some sort of pinyfish stuck me and it was painful and freaking having to yank it out myself. my hands have been having trouble with falling asleep during the night and i'm guessing its from all the work and i'm wondering how much more massage is left in them. i want to have inspector gadget parts that i stick on my arms for work,,, little mallets and progs to dig into shoulder blades. it would be a relief to my hands for sure.

another weekend goes by

2007-05-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

my boss brought her brother in to keep the kids for an hour while i did an appointment this morning. kids were great, clients were over 30 minutes late and black and then wanted to drop some of the services expected due to lack of funds. i managed to stay helpful even when the girl asked to upgrade her massage to Deep Tissue and i did it complimentary. i figure it was at least important for someone to have a good day.
husband's "out of town" in a nearby state but cant ask the guy when he's coming home. first it was Deffinately by Wednesday but now its sounding more like Friday. I just want him to stick with something. He's wanting things to be fresh for us meaning i dont talk with MFL and he doesnt do drugs behind my back and both leave our mistrust at the door. I'm praying so hard.

so its late and i've got the kids by myself. Oh, I got a New stroller today , the kind that the baby sits forward and the second one faces back or can stand. we'll see how this works out. Got Avery's cardiology appointment on Tuesday this week.

I seriously feel like I've taken my brain and shoved in the garbage desposal..... No, that's my heart and oddly enough, its still trying to beat. I feel like my brain has been to the moon but suffers from sea sickness. yuck!

He took the camera so the pictures i had saved on the memory card and wanted to lift to my blog...... out in the swamps of Louisianna shooting pictures of sweaty construction sites. he better save the ones from Mother's day of me and the kids bc those were beautiful. i was looking forward to sharing.

This week was nice

2007-05-17T19:35:00.001-07:00

took the kids to the watergardens again this week. this time Avery was too scared to touch the waterfall and was clinging all over her dad. She was also pretty tired due to not having a nap but the sun was so bright and summery, i just had to sunsceen the kids up and head outdoors.

a trip to the store and I rearanged the shopping cart positions with benjamin sitting in the front and Avery in the basket. after a short while of her sitting and standing and being told to sit back down, i decided to allow her to get out and walk along side the cart. She was so good and i'm so very proud of her. yes, we were walking at a snails pace but i was able to browse the aisle while keeping Avery busy with different items we were shopping for.
I picked up a new bra (pretty lacy tourqoise) and wore it to work today. Not very profesional when my bra was the only sound in the massage room. It was creaking and I sounded like an old pirate ship! Has anybody else ever suffered from nosiey bra syndrome?

busy Thursday and I'm swamped tomorrow and Saturday. Good money comeing my way. thats the way i like it ;)

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

i did almost 8hours of massage yesterday and walked out when my boss asked me to stay for one more. i felt bad but rationalized that i was coming in on Mother's day to work a few hours and she could just deal with it.
this morning i had to get the kids ready to go over to my mom's. she took them to church and i went to work. my hands were throbbing this morning and the muscles were thick and fat in my palms but i put on my Mother's day earrings and made the most of my day. i did a hot stone, a maternity and a Thi Stem Massage today.... quite the variety of techniques which made the day go quickly. between appointments, my boss came and notified me that i had a delivery of Flowers from my husband. THE Most Beautiful purple Tulips... my favorite! everybody that came in and saw them commented how pretty they were . they actually were nicer than the Red roses we were passing out to clients for this holiday.
I've decided that now my favortie holiday is Mother's day. I use to say Thanksgiving was but now that i have a whole new Special day that I'm the only one in the family getting to be recognized, its kinda like a Birthday and I love it!~
the kids were great for my mom and avery was asleep napping (first time over there since she was an infant) when i went to pick them up. came home and my husband took me to dinner. oh, and i have to add, he also took the trash out and cleaned the catlitter box without me having to ask. no wonder i love this day, its making him step up. we'll see what happens the rest of the week.

one more sidenote, if you cant say anything nice but instead feel the need to bash me in the comments, just keep it to yourself really. your words are just as bad as what i suffer at his hands so i dont see why you have to make my life ugly with your own nastiness. I understand you feel passionate towards my life being a reader but Go read other blogs or post one of your own. I dont care to be torn down any more then i'm already trying to hold together. Why must you kick somebody when they're down? did no one give you constructive critisizims? there's a difference from what you are leaving in my comments. Just stop really. its a privlidge to read about my life, you should be thankful i have it public. now out of respect, please try to refrain from being mean in my comments. i'm at least one heart that hasnt turned bitter about life and i still belive in the goodness and blessings in this world. I intend to keep that about myself. If you think i'm an idiot..... go read something else

everybody , I'm a wussy lady

2007-05-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

cause I take my husband back after several days apart. I dont want to raise these kids by myself and when he comes over to visit there's so much peace restored to Avery's life. She's such a Daddy's girl that i cant think of seperating their lives from each other.
its still stressful from time to time, right now poor Batman has tampons stuck in his ears. Saturday night after i came home from work, batman was feeling bad, his left ear hurt and i suspected an ear infection. in the morning there was blood and we tripped down to ER for a pathetic diagnosis and to pick up some ear drops. today he's got another DR. appointment and hopefully some help. I've only had one ear infection in my life and it was the most horrible pain, i cant imagine what he's suffering right now with both his ears. DAd's said that he's ruptured his eardrum and batman's saying its feeling more permanent today.... might help us out on our arguments if he cant here me nag and tell me to shut up all the time. but seriously , i might have a deaf husband!
we ran out of cottonballs so i offered up a tampon to stuff behind his eardrops this morning before he ran off to work. I'm such a sucker for the underdog, i just wanna help and create "NICE" and i know my family's ever so confused with me and what's happening with the marriage...... i just want things to work and for us to function together as a family. he's put back on his wedding band and is willing to have me help during his affliction which i suppose is the wifely thing i'm to do. just praying this helps us turn a new leaf

somethign fresh

2007-04-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

the hair has left the building (and the drains)

In with the new........

best smile in the world

bathtime (one of the five times he's given it in the last year)

feeding time....

reading together....... (awhhh)

our bathing suits to shower in.... (only picture of avery with a smile)

What happened to Batman and Robyn?

2007-04-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

,,,sunday night because I was asking for sex I got this....

,,,,

,,,,
he spent the night away and I didnt really talk with him Monday. Tuesday I was still willing to try and give him the opportunity to make things good and he came home. by Thursday morning we both agreed that its just not the right thing to continue on. I've given him chance after chance to be a husband and father. to help support us finacialy and possibly emotionally but he's continued to backslide and I'm not sticking for another round in the ring. yeah, I might have been encouraged to throw some punches too which i did but I shouldnt be ducking and turning my back to fist that belong to a 6'5" Man.

I have tender points along my spine and I asked him if he could tell me how bad they were...... He just wanted to pretend none of it even happend. If fact I've been screamed at , " I've already said I was sorry once. Do I have to keep telling you!?"

No Batman, I just want some tenderness and maybe some sympathy. I have marks on my body from your fist and I'm still not recoverd though its 6 days later.

2007-04-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

" My claim to shame is that I fell in love with a big Dork"
~Batman

...................................)))
finally found the button to post pictures with. Here's Osbasso with his new lil' friend. She was stroking his beard like a kitty cat inside the school bus table where we sat and there were sighs of "how cute is that!" and "somebody get a camera!"

Osbasso's 50!

2007-04-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

WHat's up with posting pictures on blogger now? everythings differnt and I'm lost!
i want to share photo's from Osbasso's birthday party so you guy's will just have to follow the link and read about it over there.
HE's a wonderful Man and I was so blessed to actually meet up with him. like, seriously it gave me a new appriciate for people to know there are such gentle and kind blogger friends out there.

i wanna be Anne Shirley, you can play Diana

2007-04-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

Tornado flew past the other night. went right over my work and the crazy "bipolar" therpaist went and hid under a massage table. thankfully nothing was damaged. too bad the storm couldnt have blown her away. i really cant stand that girl but i'm trying to get along with her. i gave her a little thankyou gift for her efforts in redecorating my massage room and think we're in a peaceful spot right now. Saturday's appointments went by without a hitch and crazy girl managed to stay out of my face so hopefully we'll keep it like that.
tonight there's a birthday party for osbasso, He's turning 50! so excited to get to see everyone but still having trouble on the babysitter. hopefully Batman's mom will pull through. i talked with her husband and he said no to watching the kids but that's only cause MIL is taking a nap right now. I'm sure she'll wake up and come to her son's rescue giving us some adult time without the babies.
Avery and I have beeen watching Anne of Green Gables today. I love that show and i still get butterflies when Gilbert winks at Anne. I have the books and cant wait to share them with Avery. God I hope she's a reader! right now, we cant even get through 2 minutes of her baby books and its so frustrating. She would much prefer to taunt me with closing the book and laughing then for me to sit and read with her. She's such a trouble maker. Speeking of trouble, Benjamin..... HE's developed his voice and all day long he growls and moans and expresses his dislike for life. he still smiles and laughs but his "bitching" has increased so much. How do you get a 6 month old to Chill out and become pleasent?
he's humping Tickle ME Elmo and making Elmo laugh and vibrate, now that's funny

though i hate when people post poems...

2007-04-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

Love is doing the will of another
Is holding the hand
rubbing the foot
braving the face
being the one who shines

Love Is laughing it off
taking it on
letting it go
Love Is walking the halls
pacing the streets
finding patience
in everything unrulyand chaotic

Love Is in the waiting
in the moments
between in the cracks
the lines in words not said yet

Love can be tragic
its brother is pain
its sister joy
and love itself is neither
because it is everything

Love, true love
is when nothing matters
but that which is loved
no ego
no need
no fear
just hearts meeting
in their soft red place
sharing blood
rhythm
time
silence
beginnings
ends
and beginnings again

Love is doing the will of another
changing the sheets
laying the bed
calling the stars
the dreams
the murmurs
being the antidote
just by being love

Love is wearing the dark cape
the broken mask
carrying the axe
the hammer
the sword
and ruthlessly severing
all things not of love

Love is to protect
to guide
be guided
remember
forget
give from where love is made

..............................
benajmin weighs a perfect 20lbs and is 27 1/4 inches
he rolled right on over in front of the Pedi. and she marveled saying he's doing exactly what he should be doing and more. I'm so proud of my boy :)

2007-04-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

had a wild night of dreaming lastnight. first i was with MFL's Ex and she was preparing to take him to court for more child support. I tried to talk with her and say how she was treating him badly and that she must not have ever loved him in the first place to be so shitty. she was a highly intelligent girl with quite a flair for the dramatics in the courtroom. the funny thing was that they wore matching capes (green plaid across their shoulders and reaching down to just below their butts) and i got to see MFL thighs and they were thick and muscular. stranger yet, his Ex grabbed onto the judges bench and started yelling "Amen!" as if she were in a sexual climax when the judgment was being announced.

then between baby disturbances during the night ,
i dreamt again that i was with someone trying to explain Jesus' miracles and how they were all about the healing property of water. we were in a public square and a sick lady was given a plastic bottle of water that came in a six pack carton like beer, and when she was instructed to drink the water she blew up into a round circular shape and the healer said it was the water doing this and if everyone simply had the faith the next step would be her complete health restored and everyone ducked down behind something cause with her healing, the lady exploded all over the public square and there was bits of clear plasma junk sprayed all over and the place began to stink like sewage and everybody ran to escape the stench.
really preferred dreaming about MFL legs. that was a nice image.
have to take Benjamin to his 6month checkup in an hour. tell ya about it later

2007-04-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

its cold here in Texas. my fingers are freezing so this post will be short. i worked all day yesterday and do it again today. they painted my room a sage green and rearanged the room so the table faces the other corner. I kept almost falling over during massage cause I'll close my eyes while i work and when i open them again the light is coming from the other direction and i get disorientted. my Boss has been on my case all week and its causeing me to loose confidence. Except the Frenchman came back lastnight and the catfish therapist (she has whiskers that i want to yank out of her chin) didnt know if he was there for her since we have both worked on him in the past. Boss said she would ask Frenchman if he had a prefrence in therapist and i prepared myself for an early release from work but No, frenchman wanted me and it felt good to know Clients are showing Boss my value. when is a good time to ask for a raise? I've been up there for almost 3 months and I deserve more then a fresh coat of paint in my room.
the babies stayed at Granny's house lastnight and I MISS THEM SO MUCH. the house is so empty with them gone and it actually hurts my heart to not be with them. we'll pick them back up after work this afternoon but its been tough being away. lastnight batman and i went out for a bite to eat and while we were sitting next to each other in a booth up at benigans, the tye-dye dude from Survivor walked around the bar. it was so strange to see someone you recognise from Televsion and then for him to stop and make eye contact with each other.....just weird cause i wanted to say."Hey, you're that guy!" but then i didnt want to come across like an idiot and interupt what he was doing. wouldnt you think that if he didnt want to be recognized out in public he might wear something other then tie-dye. so i guess it wouldnt have been a problem for me to say Hi and take a picture except that i couldnt remember what his name was. I texted Aughra and she couldnt help me out. i think its either ruppert or Ruffus. Does anybody know what i'm talking about?
So I found a pair of shoes that I HAve to get today. their for work cause I'm getting old and need better support. gone are the days where i could just stand in my bare feet doing massage.

ok, its SNowing! outside in the month of April, Texas has snow falling.
my fingers are frigid. gotten get warmed up for work today. this is unbelievable.

2007-04-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

I just recieved my Birthday present from my Dad. yes, it came almost a month late but a Nano Ipod! Really it's just in time cause the sound on my PC evaporated or something. Now I just need to keep Benjamin from swallowing it, its so tiny, and wonderful, and I cant wait to create my own private playlist that Batman cant hear and laugh at me for. He wont laugh at me dancing cause he likes when i shake my booty like an etch a sketch, but he's always bewildered at the music that catches my fancy and I despies hearing his critisism of my taste. Now its all in my hand and in my head. yay for me! :) Hmmmm, wonder if I could sneek this into a massage appointment without any trouble........ Its going to be hard, but i guess i'm going to have to leave it behind while working. I'm just bored to death of light, airy, massage music. once, i was doing a couple's massage and they brought in their own music and it was fun having some rythm and tempo in the room. typically the music is pumped through out the entire Spa so it was a change of pase doing massage to R&B

a moment of change

2007-04-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

i told him that if he went out looking for a job he could stay Sunday evening. He interviewed this morning for a hotel down the street and started an hour later. Its part time (35hrs/wk) but I'm just so happy that he managed to find something this quickly. and in 60 days we get 7 nights stay...... I'm laughing to myself that if things aren't so cool at any point between us ; he can at least crash up at his work.
Now on to the issue of figuring out proper daycare. I've been in contact with a girl who keeps children from her home and she has a son (2yrs) and daughter that's a week younger then Benjamin.
Batman is hesitant about having a sitter because we got the results back on Avery's echo cardiogram from 2 weeks ago. She has Pulmonary Valve Stenosis (narrowing of the Pulm. Valve where de-oxygenated blood moves towards the lungs) it could be anywhere from mild to severe meaning treatment could be as simple as keeping an eye on her heart throughout the rest of her life, having a balloon catheter inflate and widen the valve or worst case scenario, Avery has to have open heart surgery to replace the valve itself and we wont know until we get a chance to take her to the referral Cardiologist.
Batman's beside himself with guilt for all the anguish He's put our family through. He realizes that its been wrong and how much he needs to take things lighter especially now with this diagnosis. Its been so strange the last several days since he's been home. absolutely wonderful but foreign compared to how he had been the last several months. He's actually being thoughtful and its exactly what has been missing.
I know I've done my fair share of saying how messed up in the head he is and that he's seeking mental help but in just the last week, He's showing me that maybe its not necessarily a loss of ability to control his anger as it is just a Nasty habit of getting away with treating me like shit. I think the week apart sorta' opened his eyes a bit and he saw what he was going to be loosing if he didn't straighten up. I wasn't going to allow things to continue the way they were headed and my husband has responded surprisingly well. a friends' mother once told me that the husband might be the Head of the family but the wife is the neck and helps direct the sight of the marriage.
I knew I married a good man with an attractive heart and it feels very good to have him back as my partner again. It had gotten pretty lonely in this marriage but He's really picking up in the area's that we had been failing at. now hopefully we'll managed to stay back up and straighten out the rest. It just feels good to know He is capable of doing things and thinking differently and even taking it to a level where's he's acting like a loving and thoughtfully concerned partner. yadda yadda yadda
YOU ARE AMAZING MY DEAR HUSBAND . thank you for pulling it together and for pulling towards me.

Texas BlueBonnets

2007-04-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Palm Sunday ya'll

2007-03-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

so I have an hour before i have to be at work and dont know what to do with my time.
he came and picked up the kids yesterday and had them overnight with his parents while i've been working and the plan is to pick them back up when i finish up this evening. it was so weird becuase even with out the babes i still woke up a couple times during the night and couldnt get back to sleep after 6am. that's normal rousing time for benjamin. so i climbed in the shower and told myself to take as long as i wanted. Do you know how long 25 minutes to yourself can be? i still had hot water after washing and shaving everything but i swear it felt like i had been in there for twice as long so i got out.

lady came into the spa yesterday and she wouldnt stop groaning. she got a $375 spa package and was there for almost 6 hours recieving everything on the menu and i got a flipping 5 dollar tip! she was a hairstylist so the woman knows about gratuity,,,,, i dont know what to say. her son was the one that purchased it for her and made a big deal about not letting her know how much he spent. BUT $5 ?! i did an hour and a half massage, a body scrub, a suana, a bodywrap, and a foot treatment on her, oh and i served her Lunch ..........
people, tip your massage therapist please. its how we make our living.

worked on a french guy named Gabriel and i started freaking out a bit. Boss was leaving me up there to close by myself and i didnt know this dude. i was in the "spooky" room and my mind was running away with thoughts that he was the devil with a French accent. Then he flipped over and he looked like Mr. Bean.

i'm bracing myself for your outlash but i'm going to tell you that batman will be staying here tonight for the efforts of making it to church Sunday morning. He's been trying very hard and i see improvement. this doesnt mean he's moving back home, just staying the night tonight so we can continue making improvements in our lives for the kids sake. going to church is important to me and raising the babies to know that God is special in our world is a task that needs to get started. batman too wants this for the kids and he's starting to make the changes so we can have a good home life. HE's been very irregular and he's not snapped at me , like he's actually showing restraint and its beautiful. he's doing what he needs to be done and i'm getting more respect the last couple days. i think this time apart has been the shock that he needed.

2007-03-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

batman had court this morning for one of three unpaid traffic tickets he received while i was giving birth to his son. His mommy took him out there and paid it and is saying they'll take care of the other one so he doesn't have Court again tomorrow in Arlington and get this, they'll even get his stolen ID replaced for him.
He's always had somebody running to fix his problems for him. coming to his aid is a handicap and that's why I've stopped. I'm sick and tired of bailing his ass out of predicaments he's put himself in by being irresponsible.
his mommy said she was doing this so he doesn't go to jail when he doesn't have the money to pay his fines. so he can go get a job and be with his family and kids..... ya right! I want some Major improvements if he's going to come back ever, like if he says something then he's going to do it.

had a dream about MFL last night. he was taking me down memory lane and said we needed to go to the Green Mountain. I turn and look and we're in a valley with slopping grass hills up to our lefthand side. MFL takes me by my hands and starts couples skating/dancing up the side of green mountain.
the night before i dreamt someone gave me a music stand. black wrought iron and i put it in my bathroom thinking how great it was. i can put sheet music on it that i cant read.

2007-03-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't allowed him to come home. He's remained at his parents and i continue to keep house and children very happily. and so every anonymous commenter knows, everything is in MY NAME, not his. its a matter of getting him to go not me having to pack it up and leave.
I have full respect for myself and I've cared for my responsibilities and continue to do so.
If you have the courage and brass to call me by my first name, the least you could do is Identify yourself instead of remaining anonymous in your criticism. THAT IS HAVING RESPECT whoever you are. Do not use my name or i wont post your words to my blog.
GOT THAT?

2007-03-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

my husband lost all his money and wallet and ID lastnight and cried to me about how i never talk nicely about him on my blog...... He's a sorry man but I gave him my heart and i'm just as crazy as he is for sticking with him. (that was semi sweet wasnt it?) he mangaged to walk about 20 miles lastnight and wound up on his parents backporch this morning. I guess i could praise him on what a fantastic walker and police dodger he's become.

Avery's eating breakfast, a bowl of mixed cereals but she wanted to keep her purse on her arm while i set her in her highchair. now she's got her spoon tucked away inside her purse along with a coaster, a baby comb, and an inflatable innertube and some play money. She's better at keeping track of her things then her daddy is.
did i tell you that he lost the frickin diaper bag somewhere while "keeping the children" while i was at work? guess its a matter of time before he looses one of them somewhere and i should rethink my childcare.

not so ultrabright tonight

2007-03-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

he made a little cash this afternoon.... my friend invited him to join us for dinner. instead of eating he drank several margaritas chased with tequila shots and quickly became belligerent and hateful. i was screamed at on the way to pick back up the kids. i just kept my mouth shut and wanted the drive home to go by without more trouble (for the sake of the sleeping babies in the back seat)

he wanted to go back out drinking and made snide comments how i wouldn't let him.....
(ya think?)
so when i parked the car,i didnt want to bring his trouble inside and i got a sudden urge to leave and threw the car into reverse. never mind that he was already trying to open the back door where avery was sitting. He realized what was happening and began tearing at the open door trying to rip it off its hinges and avery's terrified crying in her car seat. I threw the car in gear and start to take off not knowing where i would go...... he's chasing me on foot so i go down a second street where he almost meets me at the intersection spitting and throwing things at the car. I'm terrified and shaking....i just wanted to go home and put the babies to bed and now he's assualting my vehicle. I called my dad and then I called 911

now he's mad and calling me a traitor and a bad wife. I didn't want him to go to jail, i just want things to be normal and for him to be a better person and not be so horrible and abusive to me. he's never hit me but tonight he was taunting me and would pretend to hit me just stopping short of my face.
its raining and i want to put his stupid cat outside. he's on foot and the cops haven't found him. he's told me that he's not coming back tonight. He's on the way to the Titty bar. I just want him to be safe and that maybe in the morning he will understand how horrible he is to me. that i didn't want for him to go to jail, that i was terrified and wanted protection. i didn't call the cops for him... i called them for me; but he wont see it that way. I'm a traitor and a bad wife...... last thing he told me was that he doesn't consider me a wife anymore and I'm hurting.

2007-03-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

for all the grief i was feeling, God gave me a funeral to attend lastweekend. a friends veggie grandma got the plugs pulled and i was screamed at several times for being insensative towards batmans grief...
does he not understand how my world is these days? so i straightend up for him and started trying to be affectionate and supportive passing out hugs throughout the day all the while muffling my own sorrow.
its better this way that i dont have MFL in my life, (I've now deleted all numbers, emails etc. from my files) for all the happiness that talking with him brought me, it caused my marriage so much trouble. we were in so much trouble before all that , it was just nice to have a friend that understood me and was uplifting, now back to trying to hope that batman can be fixed with...... therapy? mood stablizers? my whole family is so worried about me these days and wants me to pack it up and come home. because of the funeral we didnt get to have our meeting with our pastor, something that was suppose to help batman tune into his nurturing self. and he's failed to checkin and find out when the makeup appointment will be. so much for him putting effort into our dwindling situation.....
had to take avery up to the hospital today for her Echo cardio. ; at her 18 month checkup the pedi. heard a heart murmur. wont know the results till probably next Tuesday. in the back of my head i'm thinking its resulted from all the turmoil of her parents, poor babygirl.
Benjamin is sitting up now and things are getting more fun between the two of them. i wonder what its going to be like having to drag these kids around everywhere for the next several years..... its almost so overwhelming.
i asked batman this morning if he had know it was going to be this rough , having two babies this close in age, would he have dropped ben off at the firestation? and he said yes

i put BT's hat (the one from rila/thanks girl! ) on Rhett cause of the wind..

oh, and we got to see baby cousin Rhett over the weekend. my little bro. owes over 5 grand for the bitches attorney fees/ medical exp./ etc. and got reamed a new one by the judge. And my bro just simply wants to have access to his child. this visit was the first time the family got to see Rhett and the babies already 2 months old! but he's beautiful and avery kept trying to call him "bro" (what she calls benjamin)

email from MNL (that's alphabetical baby)

2007-03-16T21:19:00.001-07:00

from after my husband called his number off my cell several weeks ago, just posting for posterity's sake

The strange thing is I knew it was him before I answered it. Ianticipated that he would react that way. I don't want a negativeconfrontation.I cannot cause you anymore pain. Knowing that you spent the past 15 yearsthe way you have, the last thing I want to do is cause more destruction.Haven’t I caused you enough?One of the reasons I contacted you is I never felt like this situation wasresolved. Secondly and most important after reading about unforgiveness,I wanted to make sure we both had a chance to move past the hurt andforgive one another.You have a beautiful family and I pray that things work out for the best.You and your hubby will be in my prayers. I am a sucker for the littlechildren and wish the best for your two precious children. They deservea family unit especially in today’s society.I am really good at the whole support thing. I seem to be the one thatall my friends go to for advice and comfort. I only wish you the best.In the famous words of Toy Story, you've got a friend in me. :)

the IDES of MARCH

2007-03-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

batman freaked out again and revoked my communication privileges with MFL yesterday. I have to say Goodbye for the safety of everyone. I feel like I'm mourning. the last two nights i haven't slept, its almost like post traumatic stress disorder. after 8 years of trying to get on with my life, meeting batman and settling for a future with him and the kids, to have Mfl come back up was beautiful but wrong for me to have him around. if simply text messages can come between my husband and myself , then the connection with Mfl has to be snuffed out. my heart weeps. my husband is wanting me to write a nasty message to MFl to tell him to leave my life alone,(Belle, I need help with this project; email me) He says that he's out of here if MFL calls or contacts me in anyway...... that's how it needs to be and so i must do the right thing. MFl respects where i am as a mother and a wife and wouldn't think of disrupting what bit of "family" we've got. HE's such a great person still with all the mess of my life . I just hope that he'll still think of me from time to time and know that i still care and always will. it was good to find the peace with him but to loose him all over again................. words do not express my grief, my sorrow, my complete depression and angst. Driving home lastnight I took my suicidal bridge (360 to 183W) at 85 MPR last night because batman was too drunk and drugged to know if we were ok.
Does my life have to return to leaving MFL behind just to be denied by my unloving husband? I sacrificed so much, when will happiness come again for me

an email from my bestest friend

2007-03-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

my dear -I want to hear the rest of the story about you know who.How is he doing? when did he get divorced?I'm so happy that he apologized to you - that was such a weird time and I've always been so sad with how hurt you were.have you seen him?I'm off today, if you get a chance give me a call. I'm sorry that this is making things weird with Jamie. Boys are so strange - they can do or talk to whomever, but when we do the same they throw fits. I don't get it. I just blame it on the fact that they are boys.E-mail when you get a chance.
Love you!josanna

2007-03-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

so we actually made it to the shrink (the new one) this morning. Batman has meds to pick up and his moods Should be "stabelized" accordingly. I'm sure things would be easier if I didnt open up email from my first love (MFL) infront of him. Emails asking to meet for lunch....... *tension rose and Batmans' demanding to know if I've worked on MFL up at work* and because I've lied in the past, I'm suffering right now.
its so hard to have a jealous husband,,,,, i regret so much our trust issues and i wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I chatted with MFL Saturday night and it wasnt the same because i missed hearing his wonderful laughter but i'm too shy to pick up the phone and call. I'm flattered that he asked me to lunch and would love to go except things are just so rocky with batman and then to juggle the kids, like that would really work. But its so strange to have MFL in my head , like after i chatted with him, I just want more and for my life to be arranged differently . I want things to be easier and not so messed up in my personal life. what am i saying....? i dont even know. its just been a difficult 15 years.

Water Gardens of FortWorth

2007-03-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

this is the entrance of the water gardens we went to on my birthday. avery was having a complete blast walking along the sides of the various pools. we stopped earlier in the day and picked up a sundress for her because of how hot the afternoon sun had gotten. and I threw on some flips flops from the backend of the car because i was getting warm myself

not the greatest shot of the family. batman was trying to hold the camera and get all of us in the frame. i finally told him to ask another garden visitor to help shoot a family picture.

the stairs leading down into the big pitt of water. always freaked me out to be stepping down stairs with water passing underneath your feet. but it especially scared me knowing there had been fatalities at this pool. batman had benjamin in the pouch and also carried avery down these steps so i wouldnt be overwhelmed.

here we are with water rushing down around us on all sides.

the very center of this pool consists of blocks that you step across and avery was wanting to step over the gushing water all on her own. I was so scared yet proud of her for being so big and independant. the fact that her shoes kept slipping across the wet stone made it even more nerve racking for me but avery was having a wonderful time.

avery walked along the coast of the meditaion pool. she was so proud of her cloppy shoes that she picked out to wear.

there are sheets of cold water rushing down these walls and avery was scared to lean out and touch the wetness. I kept putting her out towards the wall and she kept climbing up my side trying to stay away from the water rushing down.

it wasnt untill i set her down and she leaned over to touch the water on her own accord that Avery enjoyed the flow of water.

it was a great time and I'm so happy that my daughter will be able to enjoy this place too. the watergardens had been closed for the past 3 years due to some idiot tourist that drowned in the big pool. its the same park except now there's a gate you pass through before going down into the pitt of the big water fall. I'm just so happy my children will grow up to know this place also.

it was a beautiful day and a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

pictures for Belle

2007-03-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

avery trying to drive the truck Benjamin in the arms of my old girlfriend dalanna

for some reason we've not been snapping many photo's but i've got the camera's memory chip opened up so i'll try and take a few from today.

other news....has anybody else heard about the 14lb baby born in China? That is one Fat baby!

2007-03-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm turning 30 tomorrow.
I'm going to be homeless the end of this month
Benjamin is sitting up with the balance of holding my thumbs.
He's pursing his lips and blows bubbles and has the sweetest little chin that matches his bald little forhead.
I worked on a new client yesterday for a 3 hour session and he gave me a $50 tip. Saturday before was his first time with me and he tipped 30 on an hour and a half. good guy with a prego wife. i gave him my personal number when he asked about long term treatment.
havent talked further with my first love, I want to but my husband is still fragile about everything and I'm sure he's going to remain so. I think its crap because he talks with ex girlfriends on myspace but when it comes to my past, it had better be forgotten about.
I'm thinking about dying my hair red..... but i dont want a mistake right before i age into my thirties.
my back is tired , my knuckles are swollen and I'm not wearing my wedding band. havent felt like wearing it for the last couple of days. ever since my husband started snooping through my cell and dialing numbers.... just not happy with him.
I'll post pictures of the babies soon. dont have alot of hands free or time. they are adorable and benjamin is the cutest boyfriend i've ever had.

2007-02-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

biggest news is that my first love located me yet once again. the last time we spoke was about 9 years ago and I wrote him a letter saying that he needed to leave his wife and come be mine again. all the while , my first husband was packing his things and left. Of course my first love denied me and i found myself lost and alone and i had to figure out life as a single girl and went down many wrong paths.
so when he found me again i was up in arms as to what to do. I'm finally in a place mentally where i'm not longing to still be his. I managed to create an identity that isnt waiting around for us to be reunited so when he popped up on myspace asking me to reconsider i paused.
then there was the suprise attack and i replied with a "yo momma" comment and we both realized that i was harboring bitterness. He quickly apologized for everything, for the pain i had endured , for the suffering i allowed myself to live, and I have to tell you that in talking with him, i have a new sense of peace. its a peace that i never imagined i would feel, as if i'm living my life fresh for the first time.
He took my virginity at the tender age of 15 and i gave him my whole heart. we were forced apart when my parents found out and the rest of my teen years were strained. i grew up being told i was a slut and worthless. that i had no more value to my father because i wasnt a virgin.... it was sad and unbarable and i managed life on my own at the age of 17 and moved in with some boys at 18 . my parents hounded me saying i was living in sin, and my first love kept in touch on a daily basis so long as my father wasnt a threat. I told him was getting married and he was suppose to stop me but he didnt and i found myself at the JP getting married to a boy i didnt care for and i thought my fate was sealed. untill two years later when he finds me again . this time i wasnt going to be passive, i was going to straight up fight for my first love and i insisted that he be with me. .
I've made many mistakes and i dont want for his recent appears to disrupt what i have now with batman. though things have been strained between him and i these last several months, this new found peace causes me to want to be a better wife. I'm excited to have this emotional freedom and i want to share it.
i told batman that i had spoken with my ex and after some explaining about how it was good for me, batman said that he was happy for me.
everything was great untill batman decided to go snooping through my phone and flipped out when he came across my ex's number and called him. I was in tears crying because i dont want my ex to know that i am married to and suffer from a controling husband. my ex just wants me to be happy and having batman call him and tell him to leave me alone........ that's fine, i just wish batman could have talked with me about it instead of being a jerk and calling my ex. its all so stupid. one minute batman is saying that its fine for us to talk but he doesnt want us to get together for face to face visits and then his temper flairs because he thinks i'm being sneaky having his number in my cell.
i want to be a good wife. but i also want to have a loving husband and these most recent days have been horrible.
it was good talking with my first love and finally recieving the closure that i needed.
I'm about to turn 30 and the wind was blowing up a storm last weekend. i walked out of my day spa and air was brown. similar to mary poppins' my life was about to change with the wind.

batman had a Birthday

2007-02-20T10:31:00.000-08:00

Saturday after work , i got gussied up and we left the kids behind.

Dinner was at Benihana's and we drake sake' bombs ,we got to order more drinks from these figurines (I got the cat and batman chose the standing samuri with the sword) to take home. the evening was great fun and I cant tell you what we ordered other then it was the steak and veggie hibachi and tasted like Heaven. I ate my entire plate and helped batman with his. its amazing the ammount of food you can stuff in your face when you have a sake' buzz

no, I'm not passed out...just being dramatically alluring. you can find the redi-whip on the nightstand under the lamp if you look close.

this was the red dress (only paid $1.99) the hotel room cost about 100 dresses and the bed was KING sized and worth every penny. I have never laid on a more comfortable surface. seriously doubt i will ever again. the bed was the best part of the night. so comfortable!

we had the hardest time checking out of the hotel and talked with the manager about staying an extra night. After a quick call to the grandparents to check on them... the babies were doing fine and we were encouraged to take our time so we made it a two nighter.....

the secondnight was alot less eventful and batman fell asleep before we had time to do anything fun. I'm not mad cause really that mattress was so comfy, I cant blame him for making good use of it.

>> We Returned home to rescue the kids and granny on Monday afternoon, we sorta took our sweet time getting back to the kids. it was so refreshing to just have batman and myself alone together. its amazing the amount of presure two little ones have on a relationship. we needed this time to ourselves and it was a great way to celebrate our birthday's and valentines day together>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Granny" (MIL) passed out as soon as we arrived to pick the babies back up ..... you think they might have worn her out?

the babies crashed out themselves. I'm so proud of them for staying over night away from mommy the whole night. my babies are getting to be so grown up. it broke my heart that i abadoned them and i hate that avery's still too young to tell me if something bad happened but we really needed the break ,,,we deserved the break! pluss it gave time for the kids to learn how to adapt to being spoiled with their grandparents.

2007-02-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

Avery's not feeling well. she's got a running nose and cries with missery. she threw up her medicine all over batman this morning , poor girl and I'm getting the pillow covers washed along with all the bedding that got in the way of her hurling.
i dont think she's necesarily sick with anything other then I believe her canine teeth are beginning to stick through. she's not been eating much the last 24 hours but she did pig out on some applesauce this afternoon.
I've been competley exhausted, i think work is running me pretty low. i recieved my first paycheck on friday and still need to take it to the bank. think i like holding on to it for a minute before it all disappears to bills.
I was suppose to go out with a girlfriend this weekend but I've been so wornout after doing so much massage. valentines day is huge and we have all these couples coming in so I'm getting to work with the other girls up at the spa in the "couples room". it stinks because there's another "session" going on in the same room and it distracts from the therapy I'm able to direct. one of the other girls up there was actually telling her client that the popping he heard was his muscles. " your muscles make that popping sound, not the bone..."
I had to bite my tounge so hard to not disrupt the quiet sounds of massage but this other therapist is a complete idiot! swear to god i hope it doesnt continue long. I cant have other idiot therapist crouching in on my tips I work very profesionally hard for.

so that's about it. avery's sick, I'm tired, oh, and I have to find new house by the end of next month. our lease is being uped another $50 a month and I'm not paying it. sucks to have to move but I know we can find better. I just cant believe our landlord would do that when he knows we're struggling so much especially with two babies in diapers. life's rough but that's why God made wrinkles.

red dress

2007-02-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

found this dress for $1.99 and didnt even stop to try it on. took it home and it fits like a glove. called batman up and told him to plan a night out for a date cause i had a pretty little dress to show off my non pregnant form. he got home and even went as far as telling me i looked "sexy"
so nice to hear but the compliment comes no where close to the great feeling of Shopping for under 2 bucks and finding a steal!
wish you could see my legs, the dress comes to just above the knee and my legs are looking pretty shapely. I love having my body be all mine!

Family portraits

2007-02-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Benjamin was in these pictures, we just didnt know it yet.

Avery at 6 months (me at about 15weeks)..................................................

Avery at 17 months and Benjamin is 4 months

we look a little more Sleepy but at the same time I think our family pictures have only improved in the last year. I love that Benjamin is hanging over batmans right hand. his name means "son of my right hand" .

the New Month of February

2007-02-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

Ben is 4 months, 16pounds and 24 1/2 inches. eating Rice Cereal today making the funniest faces. does not understand what we are sticking in his mouth and would much prefer to stick fist in mouth.
Avery is a smart emotional baby girl that is wearing shiny cloppy shoes in the bathroom. we're getting dressed for family portraits
I'm feeling very much like a woman today. night before last was a fullmoon and this morning I got my period. my gutt feels open and hollow. havenot been Non-prego this month in a couple of years.
I felt my tummy lastnight and I felt actual abdominals...working has been good for me. My arms are tone and batman tried complimenting me today that "For having had two babies , you look good " I just like the fact that my triceps are tight again. My skin on my forarms is burnt from having them in nasty massage oil for 11hours this weekend. Batman thought I should go to the Hospital for it. I just need to talk to my boss lady and tell her that I want to use my own massage cream up there. Massage oil just leaves your skin totally dried up natural body oil and I'm not sacrificing my arms to work there.

home videos

2007-01-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

............................ here's one from this last summer at our neighborhood park. I'm 38weeks pregnant and its about 110 degrees outside. batman is filming. approx. running time 59seconds
Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

*** and this second film is my mother and kids on my parents front porch. I grew up in this house, a log cabin in the country
aprox. running time 1minute 20 seconds

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

2007-01-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

so work is good. I've realized that I'm the worlds best massage therapist and have recieved TONS of praise. my second day up at the spa and my boss lady stopped me to say that she's so very happy to have me working up there; that she feels I have good energy and that I'm going to be a big asset to her business.
I realized that I really had not done profesional work since becoming a mother. there had been times that i thought i might not ever go back to that line of work. after my assualt, my clientel was dwinddling and I really thought i had lost my care and compasion for others (especially in a semi-nude and touching environment) i actually thought i might not ever go back, that my emotional scars from being raped conflicted with the openess required to perform professional massage.
I new the day would come that I needed to go back to working and unfortunatley batman's job was not covering the neverending expense of diapers and wipes so I was sorta' forced back into finding work. the place is great and I could not have been more blessed to find a work enviornment this cool and ready for me. I just need to touch up my knowledge of doing body wraps and be trained on the front desk and the job is Golden.
but back to what i was initally trying to say. about twenty minutes into my first appointment i realized that by me becoming a mother, my identity had changed so much. My assult was something from the past but I am no longer that person. I'm a mom and am able to leave the pain behind me... at least long enough to act as a therapist for others. it feels so good to be working. i've already gotten a paycheck though it's only for 2 hours of work, 52 bucks aint so bad.

also an update, my loving dear husband has made it possible for us to not loose our internet. the bill is paid in full and we only have another months' worth of collect calls from jail (not batman but a friend of his) to pay but with me working now, everything should be great.
I'll post some updated pictures here shortly, just wanted to say that my job is good, my blog will be continued and the few of my blog buddies that have stayed in touch with me during this time, THANKS and I love you all! lets keep the phonelines open

last one for awhile

2007-01-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

had an interview today and landed the job (of course) i dont know what i was so stressed about. its been awhile since i've worked but the Interviewer seemed to be real laid back (an acupuncturist actually) and is having me work my way into the schedule up there. IT such a switch to be employed....it feels good. Cant wait to be bringing home some MULLAH!
Batman was having a rough time of it on his own, and i'm having to juggle the babies on my own...i think i might like having a couple days a week away from them. pray this works out for us all.
I might not be blogging or online but i wanted to post this last good news before i got busy with work.

no pictures but an actual post!

2007-01-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

so i've been busy and things have been difficult hereon the home front. I've actually thought about quitting this blog....but I dont know what the last post should be or if there is a proper way of saying goodbye to any of my readers. So I find time to blog. the older these babies get, the more i realize how much More Work i'm going to have to put into them. its not so bad when the infant sleeps but now he's wanting to sit up and see everything that I do. his little curious eyes peer over my shoulder as i keep avery from throwing things into the toilet and waving "bye-bye" . one of these shortly coming months I'm not going to be able to keep up.
I have entirely quit picking up the house since Christmas...i feel so bad for my husband coming home to such a dump but as soon as I get a portion of these toys and stuffed animals thrown into a hamper....avery's right behind me pulling it all out again. we could probably do it 20x's in a single day. Do they make handcuffs for one year olds? She's a great little girl, deffinatly a daddy's girl though. Avery tries to test me at every opportunity and We've learned that mentioning the word "Spank" carries some authority.
I'm just tired and lonely for people that Speak Words in English. Avery's contected her Growling voice to that of Cookie Monster of Seseame street. She's been growling like a montster for months now and just last week, she caught a scene of Cookie Monster on TV and her eye's just lit up to hear the same vocalizations! she doesnt say, "COokie..." but she does the back of the throat Growl pretty good. I think it also represents anything that is difficult or tough for her, or anything that is sharp and could hurt her, avery will growl to let me know that it's a knife and dangerous. My crazy WIld Girl.
Benjamin is my new Boyfriend, I've always had a crush on every Benjamin i ever knew (even my mother commented on this fact when we were picking out names) HE's my little man and though he drools, he's got the funniest sense of humor. Batman will toss him into the air and ben's eyes get frightened, ,,,,,I simply raise him over my head with him looking down into my face and he cracks up laughing because of his altitude over me. he's such a proud baby and he's going to stay the sweet little guy forever with me. I wont let the world roughen him up.

this is posted Backwards so forgive the odor of things

2007-01-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

............and again as bad parents we stuck spaklers in our oneyear olds' hand. Avery enjoyed these better then the grenade launchers we were using earlier in the night. we set off fireworks at my girlfriends farm. it was dark and avery was stung out and the noise frightened her. everytime the kids shot one off, avery's fist went to her mouth and she ducked her head into my shoulder.
First thing to do morning of 2007, Rock Climbing outside the Days Inn
seriously she was having a good time but her daddy was taking way too long at snapping the picture.
...Benjamin's upset cause all through the holiday's not one picture of him was taken.......it was his first Christmas and the Camera hog Avery stole every shot. what pathetic parents we are.
(these were snapped the day after Christmas to help make up for Benjamin's absense.)
........."Merry Christmas a little late little Ben"
......... and one last shot for today of Avery's Christmas i know my eye's look creepy here , it was a long day of high energy and the eggnog was like the mother mary

2006-12-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

how many colors is my hair? Avery on Christmas morning...........

check out my other blog of self absorption
http://100-or-more-things.blogspot.com/

Boxing Day

2006-12-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

the day that you allow your children to campout in the cardboard that litters your living room Following Christmas. (picture is of Avery eating wedding cake last week). Christmas pict. Will be lifted up another day. I've got a Tsunami of presents to put away for now.
and something to look forward to...I've done 100 things about me (amazing that I've found the time but I'm so full of myself it sorta poured out onto a notebook and will transfer it to here someday)

avery's Christmas PJs

2006-12-19T18:31:00.000-08:00

looking at her Shiney self in her Mirror.......
..........its a full body zippup astronaut baby suit with reflective metalic snowfalkes.........Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth
the cake was fine. defrosted rather quickly and tasted almost as perfect as it did on our wedding day. Avery got a slice even.

2006-12-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

yes, my mother made us wear our hawaiian outfits so people would know the babies belong to the crazies in the back row
my thighs hurt! yesterday was our one year aniversary and we had Christmas with my family on Saturday. so much business and fun and excitment and new toys and fancy clothes......(and pictures to come)...
somewhere in the middle of it all i ripped up my legs. they are so sore, I feel like they might buckle underneath me. I'm not able to lift myself out of a sitting postion with out a lemony lime feeling wave over the tops of my thighs. hope i dont pucker and drop the baby.

batman took me out for dinner All by ourselves! not only was it grownup dinning but it was a beautiful suprise going to this place because we hadnt gone since the first time 5 years ago on NewYears day. its such a nice feeling when you get to realize that your husband is capable of being thoughful. anyway we had some very terrific loving and he seems to think thats why my legs are crippled...
ooh and we still have our cake topper to defrost. anybody else eaten oneyear old cake?

2006-12-16T08:02:00.000-08:00

we went over to batmans' buddy's house and while we were there another group of neighbors arrive ...two guys and a funky colored girl. she was amazed that I let my children be around a pitbull and went on to marvel over Benjamin asking how old he was and guessing he was around 5 months. everyone keeps over guessing his age. I suppose we breed large children since this is the second time in 2 days someone has guessed Benjamin to be 5 months (he'll be 3 months on Christmas day)
this strange girl said she had a 16 month daughter named Beutiful Princess Seven Blair...... and proceeded to ask where she could roll one while waving a cigar in the air. (funny that She would be nervous about children with a dog but then have no quarrels with smoking around babies) We left and I asked Batman what he made of this strange girl .
"that's the way Strippers are."
"What? she was a Stripper? with a daughter named Seven? too Funny!"

I also saw a shooting star the other night which is very rare for my view of the night sky. Instead of wishing For World Peace, this time I wished for Avery to Have a Happy Christmas. I think Having kids makes for more personal/selfish wishes.

a poop story

2006-12-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Benjamin has been a little backed up the last several days so while giving him his early morning feed (5am) and trying to keep the room dark, I heard him grunting and pushing and belly tightening and more grunting and then a hot burst of squish came from between his legs into his diaper. I was nervous but he seemed to keep it all in his underwraps, so when he continued to finish his baby BM with more grunts and pushing and belly tightening I was expecting it to happen again. Instead my poor baby decided to vomit all over my breast and I had Hot regurgitated breast milk running down into my panties and into the bed. Benjamin had pushed so hard trying to get his poop out he threw up all over me. And he's really not a vomitty sort of baby so this was a surprise in the dark.
I'm just happy he finally got pooping again. its horrible to hear him cry like a girl when he has to fart.

Lil' hippie helper

2006-12-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

.............
...............................
...............
.................
....Benjamin started fussing on the bed so Avery wanted to help hold him.
.......She really doesnt support his weight but allows for him to lean against her and start sliding down her arms. She wanted to hold him so I just placed him ontop of her tummy laying down.
............It worked for awhile.........
..............
..........He's such a lucky guy to have Avery for a Big sister. in the mornings she wants to kiss him on his head and starts babbling (sqwabbling) IN his face. BT just lights up when he sees her face and hears her voice talking to him , its so cute. his smiles and giggles in return let me know these two are going to be great pals growing up together.

.

Fish stixs to go with your cocktail sauce?

2006-12-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

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...................trying to not laugh but my nostrils still flair..........

HNT - playing with the camera

2006-12-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

....Jarobie the guard cat, I cant explain what is happening with your poor little face. Your ears make me shudder....
.......My scary daughter with those big eyes and witchy hair
.......I think she's getting in some new teeth because she hasnt been eating well yesterday and her mouth is rashy and nose is boogery.
(She has a total of 12 teeth. Front four top, front four bottom, two bottom molars, and the same two top molars.)
......BT looking Full and content
......Jarobie our guard cat (ears repaired) with the kids and I

postin' pictures

2006-12-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned Avery started walking. Independantly! her first attempt was Thanksgiving day while she was distracted with new family members and locale. she walks like monkey and is SO proud of herself. she'll raise her hands up above her head to show that she's not holding on to anything and her voice raises up a pitch as if to say "TA-DA!"
She's 15 months now and weighs in at 31lbs 12oz. and is 34inches tall.
.........an old picture of Benjamin and me. (old as in a month old) can you believe he's already 2 1/2 months?...need to upload the latest picts. dont really have alot of free time with my hands and I didnt want people to think i only take pictures of avery. SO here's Big Ben
.............look closely and you can be the judge of what sort of milk mustache that is. I squirted her like a kitten in my uncles goat milking pen.

...the day after thanksgiving the family went Downtown for the Christmas parade. lots of Fun. avery got the hang of waving at all the floats

300 post's ago I wasnt a mother

2006-12-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

still at home.....No baby yetwent to the mall and walked around this afternoon with Jamie timing my contractions. They slowed down to about every 10 minutes but at least they are fairly regular. (you can time your very own contractions here): http://www.dragonsept.com/mnfiddledragon/contraction.html
There are segments of the day that knock out good sized pain every four minutes but unfortunately, those segments don't last a complete 2 hours which are the required prerequisites for going to the hospital. Spent a bit of time in the pool which felt awesome on my body....These contractions are making my low back/ butt ache and getting some weight off my frame feels so wonderful.State of mind is pretty good right now....Just hope to maybe get some rest tonight. I've been up since 2am and I'm sure I'm gonna need to catch some ZZZZ's but it's just alot of anticipation in the air. All I need is to catch a couple hours and hopefully these contractions will be roaring to go and bring me a baby.Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers,,,I'll keep you posted as best I can.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
who would have imagined that I would have a daughter AND a son in such a short amount of time? I serisouly have lost all concept of who I was before children. that identity is gone and forgotten
I'm looking forward to finding out who this new woman is ; that hopefully will someday emerge from the diaper bin and dust herself off, shove up her breast into a good pushup bra and walk the earth again. wonder how long it will take to find her, to develope her likes and dislikes aside from decisions based on what her children need. I'm very excited to learn and become my new and better self. Its been a long road of gestation after gestation and I'm ready for the dawning of life after babies.
In reality i suppose i still probably have at least another year ahead of me, then we'll call it the toddler era but I will definatly be putting my baggies in a pretty lacy pushup by then. I'm sick of wearing nursing bras!!!! and having babies hanging off my streched out nipples, IT SUCKS

I'm Shrinking....

2006-12-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

went to the Dr's today. went nicely. got some pills to take. Its not hopeless, just alot of time, money that we dont have but what's money when you dont have your health, and a bit of work ahead of us. I feel happy. Not elated but at least we made it to our visit and the Hulk got some Batmedicine. It makes his heart beat Fast, like I could seriously feel it squishing out between his ribcage. He looks very relaxed and has been near pleasent to be around. He even left the CD player on Avery's Lilo and Stich CD on the way home. Nothing like Hula music to que the peace ahead.

Half nekkid Thursday - painting the bathroom pink

2006-11-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday....I dont think I've played in awhile not because of a lack of nekkidness just lack of time. There's always some nekkid person running around and here is baby Avery decideing what color she wants her toes.
currently the babies are napping, I have a load of whites in the dryer and the kitchen is temporarily clean. I'm thinking of baking some coffee cake. ITs freezing outside and there's white stuff coming down. very rare for this part of the world. all the schools are closed for today and my husband is out on the roads. wish they would cancel for him and we could just have a warm cuddle day with the kids. oh well, the weekend isnt too far off. its just so cold right now and I'm trying to keep my babies warm. frosty fingers and nursing....Wowzers!

the link for more pictures of Half nekkid is over to the Right. enjoy and have a lovely Thursday

2006-11-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

I took Tuesday off from Blogger. Had to let the dust settle. I want to thank my blogger Buddies for being so freakin' awsome. I love you guys. your compasion eased some of my bruiseing. I'm not a fighter and i'm ashamed that I allowed myself to be lured into an ignorant arrgument about having more children. I figure as long as I'm under 2.5 kids (national average) then No body has a right to say I'm selfishly adding to the over population of the world .
being Selfish would be driving around in gas guzzleing car and eating through our planet resources but I dont. and as far as being irresponsable with getting pregnant so quickly.....Nope, I'm actually being responsable and raising my child instead of handing them off to be adopted by someone else.
Yes, BT hit his 2 month mark which means I cant take him to the local fire station. I even dressed him in his cute suit with the dalmations and firetrucks on it and He SHit all over it. (slight voice of oppinion there I suppose) So he's all mine forEVER and I love him.
I took him to the urologist yesterday while batman kept/took avery to work with him. The Dr. was checking to see about a suspected Hernia but after examination and explaining a Hernia vs. Hydroceph to me and showing me sketches of each...we determined that Benjamin simply has Large balls and a perfect fine penis. we have to return in 6 months and hope that He grows into his balls otherwise there might be a problem but as for today and right now, my little guy is a BIG BOY.
We have our first appointment On Friday to see a shrink about some of Batman's temper. say a prayer that its a good match and that Batman is willing to keep things honest. we've sought counseling before but batman was keeping some of his behaviour about drinking so much private and the sesions we'rent helping us.
He realizes that he's got to deal with ALL of his demons in order for there to be any relief and help from therapy. He's not really an alcoholic...just has the addictive personality. but hey, at least we are seeking help right now.
Its 70+ degrees right now and the news is talking about a Arctic BLast coming this eveing. a DJ up in the Pan handle was saying they already have 19 degrees and the windchill its 3 !!!
I havent felt that much cold since I was up in Wisconsin as a young girl on my uncles farm. ((((((BRrrrrRrRrRrRrrrr))))))

TMI

2006-11-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

I love my family. Its been a crazy 3 years being pregnant twice, giving birth twice, healing back up (Twice). I wouldnt have it any other way.
You'll be happy to know Batman and I used a condom the other night. it felt so sterile.
But I'm happy again..though I'm imagining little kicks coming from my stomach already. I was pregnant for way too long, my uterus isnt use to being empty.

~editted : I've temporarily` stopped comments due `to` Wicked`http://povertylines.blogspot.com/
I'll open back up comments when she's able to say something other then how I need my tubes tied.

~editted: comments opened back up. I've just had to block my profile now. evidentaly Wicked and her readers view me as a lowlife bitch and a plague to society.
All I want to do is raise my children to know love and show love to others.

thanksGiving Day

2006-11-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

we started out at my parents for a quick "drop-by" so they could see the kids and we could witness my fathers newly shaved face and head. He's so much younger looking without all the white hair. i personally think he's looking more and more like a mental patient....he's acting more and more like one shaving his head like that.
Avery adores my father and was so happy to see him but she kept trying to pull away cause her Fuzzy grandpa was retarded looking and hairless.
we came back home put the fussy kids away (to nap) while batman and I got busy in the kitchen. (the only sort of getting busy we have done in two weeks) we made some mashed potato, and pies and cheese balls and decided that we wanted to go out to the Nature Center while we had some free time and the sun was out.
we loaded the children up and made the 30 min. drive just to arrive and find the nature center was closed. we didnt let that stop us, so we pulled over to the side of the road and packed out the stroller and carrier.
Witness, that I'm actually able to handle both at the same time......

from taking our little stroll and snapping off some pictures of the changing Texas Color
we made the mad dash back to the house picked up the food , I switched back into my cute dress and we went down the street to visit with batman's Mema and father's family from Austin.
I had to go hide and nurse BT like 3 times in a 4 hour period!~ I remember having to do the same with avery last year....my kids suffer axiety or else I'm directing my axiety of being around in laws on my children and make them eat every 40 minutes.
it was THanksgiving, a day for feasting and I was just making sure benjamin had his fill of boob.

batman's working today, I'm stuck at home with the children and a horrible messy kitchen still. we're hopeing to get to go downtown to the Christmas Tree lighting and Parade tonight.
oh, and not to leave the drama of Thanksgiving morning out, AVery Flung Poo at her dad. *snicker to myself* It was EVerywhere....out her diaper, between her toes, all up unicorns nose...THankGod Batman went in to get her up and had the shit storm hit him. everybody got a bath except me unless you call scrubing and spot treating crib linens a bath. I felt pretty sterile afterwards
Hope you all had a Happy THanksgiving. I've got entirely too much pie in my fridge.....

2006-11-19T18:58:00.000-08:00

we dropped the babbies off with MIL and it only took 20 seconds to walk from the frontdoor to the truck! (amazing cause it usually takes about 25minutes to get everything ready and loaded for an outing.)
Batman and I didnt know what to do with ourselves since we were childless. I recomended running back home and having some private grownup activites but he didnt sound like that was reasonable. so I said , "fine, maybe we could just run back home and catch up on some sleep"
Batman just rolled his eye's
on the drive to drop the kids off, we kept trying to figure out what we wanted to do while we were baby free. I recomended catching a flick, He said we could go "house jumping" to visit friends with out the tag alongs.

upon arrival at MIL's, I quickly pulled out my tits to nurse BT, Avery pulled out her basket of toys and got lost in fun. once BT was fed, batman and I made our exit still not knowing what or where we were going.
first stop was to visit our friend Burrito and praise him on his newly painted bathroom and kitchen. it was green and looked like a tropical rain forest. the color was called Cactus flower

While we sat around and watched the paint dry , I finally came up with the idea to hit up the batting cages.... I figured it was something that my man might enjoy and the weather was nice, not to mention that's something that we wouldnt ever drag our babbies too at least not for another several years.
we went to the PuttPutt just the two of us, and walking into the building the place was packed with black people and it hit me how nervouse I was. this was the same Putt Putt that I was at the afternoon before my rape. I tried to put those thoughts out of my head and still have a nice date with my husband. BUt while we were paying for our tokens to knock some balls around, I couldnt help but mention my memroy of the last time we were THERE . I started to tear up and shake and batman put his arms around me for a moment to help clear the air.
I dont like thinking of that day. but it still fills my memeory at least a couple times a week. I've become racist and I worry about how my pained attitude towards black's is going to affect the raising of my children.
I need to work on it. I've tried to meditate on some positive thoughts and realize that we are all just people that deserve love. I admit Its just crooked in my head after being gang raped by a bunch of black men and never having any closure or charges put up agaisnt anyone.

BUT On to the story of taking my pain out on the batting cages . I wasnt going to let my pained memory of this place tower over the rest of my life. I was strong and I swung and I did alright as long as I kept my eye on the ball.
my right earring got stuck on the protective helmet at one point and when we were back home and I went to give avery her nightly bath, I looked in the mirror and realize that i only had the hook in my ear, that the decorative dangle was missing. these were some special earrings that batman splurged on me when BT was only a week old and I'm devistated that they're not a pair anymore.
one of my earrings was missing the night the cops found me. that and my shirt was turned inside out.
dont want to linger or write about that badnight. just wanted to say that we went to Putt Putt again and my emotions are feeling smooshy and bruised.
..........
we watched Moulin Rouge on Saturday,,,I think I really love that moving. "the greatest thing in life is to love and to be loved in return"
plus I think I have a slight crush on Ewan Mcgregor.

Intermiteent Explosive Disorder

2006-11-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

THis is s link to what I belive to be some of our family's trouble (batmans behaviour)
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/intermittent-explosive-disorder/DS00730

we've had trouble over the years with his anger and we've sought out help but its more then simple anger management. when he blows up its like hes the incredible hulk. he's even told me that he feels like he's the Hulk.
he's never physically hurt me but there's been destruction of our things and the outburst are way beyond the worth of the trigger of these episodes.

you can read more about Intermittent explosive disorder here:
http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/common/standard/transform.jsp?requestURI=/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/intermittent_explosive_disorder.jsp

I love my husband so much and we've got an appointment for phsychiatric help but its not for another two weeks. I'm praying that they put him on lithium or some sort of traqulizer cause our family is suffering with him going untreated. its not right for Avery to witness him screaming and throwing things.
maybe I'll start referring to Batman as the HULK till we get him sedated. He's not evil, he's just green like the Grinch. the police were called in by my neighbors on Sunday and I appriciate their concern, its just been horrible to deal with someone that cant deal with themselves.... and I dont quit on people even if things get tough. so we're getting THE HULK some help. he realizes what's a stake and it breaks his heart to know how much damage he's causeing, he really has sufferd from this all his life. as a child, he got shipped to the phsy. ward and lived there for a few years because his father didnt know how to handle him. I've got some taste in men dont I.
maybe it helps me feel my own sanity when i'm with someone that's lost his.

2006-11-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

sorry I've been away. family matters husband went bonkers and bail had to be set" have kept me from the keyboard but things are better now. i'm so ready for Thanksgiving, my favorite time of the year. I've already baked two pumkin pies yesterday.
today we are having Windgust up to 50 mph and I'm planning on loosing power due to fallen tree limbs. cozy night with my favorite people in candle light.

2006-11-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

a bit of gossip:
BT developed Trush so we visited the Pedi. for meds to swabb inside his mouth and to also gain some laxatives for his dried up butt. (not thrush related)
Took my boobies to visit my OB and make sure the THrush hasnt infected my tits and picked up some antibiotics.
because we went a day ahead of my six week check up, I have to return to pick up contraceptives next week and follow up on how my breast are feeling (so no sex for ANOTHER week. batman wont touch me untill I'm taking the pill again) we have a package of condoms but for somereason, we're both too tired to stretch them out with use.
my mother was "scheduled" to help keep avery while I did these doctor visits but Batman stayed home and Helped me juggle the kids during this day.
to make it up, I thought I would still bring the babies by for a visit at my parents on Tuesday except that my Mother went crazy and Pulled on my dads beard ("to get him to stop screaming at her") and he retaliated by shaving His entire beard off so She couldnt yank on his facial hair anymore. (man, I remember the days being homeschooled by this woman that pulled me around by my hair and I chopped my hair off above my shoulders just so she couldnt hurt me like that anymore)
ANy way, my mothers damaged health has discouraged us from trusting the kids with them and even my Dad has unreliable tendencies so all this behavior is just instilling our fears.
I talked with Dad this afternoon and didnt really want to bring up what happend between him and Mom. I thought I could make things better and plan to visit tomorrow when things might have settled down a bit Except, I asked dad what his plans were, if he was working and he said no. THat mom has a DR. appoinment that he's helping take her too in the morning (thats good and nice) and he's got an appointment to get his head shaved Bald about Noon!

He's biting his nose off to spite his face. i know being pulled around by your beard is hurtful and maddening but Now he's shaving his head Bald?!
poor avery isnt going to recognize her Fuzzy Grandpa
I wish my parents would stop acting like children. I miss having a grownup relationship with them.

2006-11-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

about six weeks before Benjamin was born I recieved a voucher for a free lady's razor. I sent it in and recieved the new razor in the mail and I have to say that aside from the delight of having a new family member, this Intuition Razor has been a big happiness for me.

I was at first a little put off by how to use it. but the conept has saved me time and Time to shave my legs is not available these last few weeks. This intuition razor has a bar of soap surrounding the razor so there's no need to lather/foam up the legs before a shave. you can just swipe it over your legs and next thing youknow, everything is baby soft (well not as soft as Benjamin but you get the idea) I know the thought of saving 30 seconds to lather up really doesnt seem like a huge time saver but its also just about the number of things I have to do in a day and this saves me from dropping the soap while I'm in the shower. the Intuition razor allows for me to shave my legs daily (or as close to daily as my showers are) I dont know if Batman has noticed but Its competely made me feel better about my day having smooth legs.

and to talk more about body image post pardum, my nipples have gotten "weathered" and the lacation consultants sent me home with a tiny tube of Lanolin to use on them. the instructions say to apply to chapped nipples after a feed and there's no need to wipe off or clean before I nurse again. The lanolin has been alright, however the smell reminds me of when I had to waterproof my figure skates. Now when I open up my nursing bra and catch a wiff of my Waterproof tittys it takes me back to skating compitions and I nurse with the most graceful artistry.

just hope it doesnt taste icky for Ben. He's not complaining

wicked lil' clown

2006-11-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

she's mad cause i wouldnt open her bag of animal crackers

But i did talk batman into letting her have small bites of her mini chocolate she recieved trick or treatin'

she loved it! you have to be a little naughty on halloween

2006-10-31T20:21:00.000-08:00

Avery was a cute little clown tonight. we had been talking about dressing the babies up as dumpster babies. my MIL thought that was the funniest idea and started talking about putting them in trashbags and burger king sacks for hats....
MIL helped me today with avery while I took BT to his first month check up.
He's gained another 2lbs and grew another 1 1/2 inches these last two weeks
so my little boy is 11.13lbs, and 22 " !!! not so little anymore
i'm exahuasted and heading to bed.

2006-10-29T07:51:00.000-08:00

batman and Avery
Benjamin in his bucket

went to the Smith family reuion yesterday. I had a whole funny post and then accidentaly hit the delete button instead of posting.
I'll summarize.
I nursed benjamin out in the open instead of hiding in the powderroom like i did last year with avery.
uncle Kenneth played his bluegrass and Uncle Frank sang like a hound dog
Aunt Margret (a lady that legend has it, almost killed batman as a baby) asked to hold benjamin and imediately ran off with him. She did this same thing with baby avery last year and I hated it. These old bitty ladies need to show more respect or concern for new mommy axiety and not rush out of sight when their holding a little one. its not that hard to simply stay with me while they hold my baby, they dont need to run off but either i'm much more relaxed with this baby or i'm too tired to have made a fuss.

Benjamin has his 1 month tune up on Tuesday.
He's getting super fat and already pushes himself up on his elbows and looks around. much more advanced then avery who spent the first several months in my arms instead of toughing it out like her brother's having too.
i feel like I'm having to make up time with holding him cause I'm so busy helping keep up with avery that he spends more time sitting in his bucket

2006-10-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

MIL cleaning my house! I think I married up when it comes to in laws
avery hitting at the pinata from Autumns' Birthday party lastweekend

avery showing her big leaf from outside our home. sitting in the limo (double stoller)

another moment of beauty in my life

2006-10-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

Its been a rough couple of days. Fridaynight avery woke with a temp. of 103.6 batman and i thought we would simply treat it at home with fluids and fever reducer till she threw up the medicine so we made another late night run to the ER. The Doctor there was the best ever, so patient and kind with my little girl who was freaking out. they gave her a supository to help drop her temp. and kept shoving themometers up her butt so the whole business at the hospital was super unpleasant .
we were told to just keep her rested and hydrated and monitor her for the next couple of days....nothing was diagnosed as being wrong but we left with a script for antibiotics and told to hold on the meds to see if this thing was really that bad.
Flash forward to This morning when her face was RAshed out horribly. I went and picked up my MIL to assist in babycare for a trip to the Pediatrician. Avery shit in her pants on the drive up there which MIL got to change while I checked us in at the desk and proceeded to nurse Benjamin. Felt weird to be sitting in a waiting room with my boob out but figured it was a medical office for children and I was simply feeding my youngin' so no shame.
Our pedi came quickly to check Avery but kept a good distance for some reason. made me a little nervous thinking it might be contagious. and once the DOc saw avery's pink pinhole bumps covering her chest and face (the rash was getting really nasty looking and spreading everywhere) the doc said there was nothing to do. Avery was on the last stage of "Roseola Infantum". (a fever for 3 days then a rash for 36 hours) AKA 3 day measels!! there was nothing to be done at this point but let the rash run its course.
as soon as we got out of the exam room, I sat back down in the waiting room and finished nursing benjamin while my MIL played with avery and the books. I notice that the rash was already clearing up. its amazing what a simple trip to the Doctor's can do for a person's health.

since I had my MIL with me, we kept her at our house for the day and she cleaned my fireplace and mantle with a fingernail brush. ( i took pictures and will post them) while I actually took a nap this afternoon. WHat a day I've had!
My daughter is getting better, my MIL cleaned my house, I got to take a nap, and my husband will be giving me a footmassage after he returns from the COWboys game I allowed him to go to tonight with a homeboy.
oh, and I've gotten to post on blogger today :)

Thanks to my peeps!

2006-10-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

2006-10-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

packed the kids up and went over to my parents house mostly to pick up some mail that had been on hold while mom and dad were out of town in Hawaii. Mom brought back matching tropical print outfits for ben, avery, batman and myself (I have a moo-moo...classy!)
the most exciting thing was that I recieved wonderful packages from two different blogger friends. One was a sweet Hat created by Rilah for Benjamin ..its adorable and my lil' man looks way cute in it. will take and post pictures once the camera gets charged back up. We're snapping off pictures left and right these days and remembering to get the camera juiced up doesnt always happen.
But the other most wonderful gift was sent from Belle. I just adore my blogger friends and though we havent met, I seriously care and love my great friends from afar. She sent a sweet babydoll for avery's birthday and a little stuffed bear for Ben and get this...she and lindsey contributed to Ben's diaper expense with a giftcard!
I cant explain how it makes me feel to know there are girls out there that are so big hearted. Its refreshing to know these ladies if only through our blogs.

so Avery's in bed, batman's with a homeboy watching football (there sure is alot of Football going on TV these days) and Ben is farting away next to me in his carrier. What to blog?what to say? I have both hands free at the moment and not a single thought in my head except that I really need to brush my teeth.
I had a bowl of cold cereal for dinner. Took avery to the park this evening and had a "just us girls" time. She had more fun playing in the rocks on the playground then anything. the top surface was dry but once she pushed those rocks aside, there was wet muddy stones and we got pretty messy. Batman wasnt around so I let her just have fun and not worry about getting dirty.
it was terrible when I tried to pack us up to leave. I had to carry her kicking and screaming under my arm while pushing her stroller with my other hand. Avery did not want to leave the park and a excersize/walking couple started to smirk about her tempertantrum. it was pretty funny to see a little girl so upset about having to leave the park and go home

ok ben's not content to fart anymore........not by himself.
talk later

2006-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

My grumpy little man my oversized daughter
did someone mention boobies?
brother and sister
we went in for Ben's 2wk check up and he's already 9.8lbs. 20 1/2" He's growing like a weed!
How can a newborn stretch 1 1/2 inches and over 2lbs in less then 2 weeks? the answer must be my heavy cream he's suckin down every 2 hours. I swear he's going to be sucking through a straw by the time he's 2 months,,,he's really got some pull
The pedi. checked his pecker to make sure everything after the circum. went alright. Evidently my son has some girth. And is it normal for her to play with his testicles? we have a follow up apointment with a uriologist bc the pedi. thought she felt a hernia.
I'm really craving a coke and rum..... (to give to my babies and a double for me) still don't get to take a bath, I sweat so much at night, I grossed myself out when I opened my nursing bra for Ben this morning. Felt so badly about the stench but he didn't seem to complain. I got to take a shower or at least rinse off in the shower today while holding Avery....So much for relaxation but the stink is temporarily gone.

2006-10-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

ben at aprox. 2 weeks trying to nurse with avery trying to "not touch"
watching the tx/ OU gamelast weekend
sharing her crib

2006-10-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

batman took avery to work with him this afternoon allowing me to just have benjamin while i went to the OB and had my tape removed. My kids ( I LOVE saying that!) are on opposite schedules. Avery will take a nap in the mornings and though they say I should sleep while the babies sleeping, there is none of that going on for me. Ben had me up till 2am lastnight....it seems as soon as the house gets quiet, He's up and wide eyed wanting boobies.....then again he was up at 5...i think i drifted off again from 6-7ish so I'm working on about 4 hours of sleep/rest (I'm wicked looking but still put on makeup for my Doc. apointment) So we're running the lights and TV all night long hopeing that it keeps Ben in a trance.
sorry if my post is haywire, brain doesnt function well on Diet coke and chocolatechip cookies and NO S:EEP! I'm simply happy to be typing with both my hands.
life is good, I'm learning to stay positive or at least look on the brighterside of things such as the fact that Batman got his third (3rd) speeding ticket in a month yesterday but I'm not going to let that upset me because at least he didnt get arrested and go to jail( like how in the past He would have). Life is Good and I've got beautiful babies and the OB says my insicion looks great (of course he's going to compliment his own work) and my uterus is still bleeding but my bathroom is stocked with pads so Life is good
have some terrific pictures to share but you'll have to wait till I can figure out what's up with the printer to upload them. I seem to have forgotten which button is the power button or else its unplugged and I'm not crawling behing the desk to look right now.

2006-10-08T19:29:00.000-07:00

well I was trying to post some pictures however things arent cooperating with my wishes.
tomorrow is my first day to handle the kids on my own. batman goes back to work and I'm left to juggle my 2wk old son and 13 month daughter. I've had a creeping stress over this the last several days. since bringing benjamin home, avery has developed a meaner, louder, more animalistic nature. she grunts and growls with every activity even as simple as setting her sippy cup down. I dont know if its because she's acting out because there's a new baby in the house or if its simply because she's been kept by other's for the last several weeks and is performing. i dont like it and it frightens me. we're going to have to do a little re'adjusting of her personality and make her softer and more gentle. I know she's only 13 months and her leaning on her brother is only caused by her not being aware of herself or her balance just yet but her vocalization is getting to be pretty bad. Its like Animal from the Muppets and while it might be cute once or twice or helpful in her frustration, its unacceptable for everyday , allday. I'm so nervous about being left with her and having to care for the baby...... I'm more stressed about how I'm going to nurse him while I have avery crying to be in my arms. the last two weeks, batman has helped distract her and given me a break but that all ends tomorrow.
I took a shower today so I should be ok for tomorrow except that i've been sweating alot during the night. maybe I'll take one when Ben gets me up at 5am before batman goes off to work. I dont know if I'm going to make it. god knows I cant load them up in the car all by myself.... we're just going to face tomorrow as a 'fun' indoor play day and try not to pull each other's hair out.

2006-10-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today was my first step away from the new baby. I remember feeling so much axiety the first several times I was apart from Avery. in my head I measure the distance as how many blocks away, or how long it would take for me to return. but today the thought didnt even cross my mind as I walked to the car with Avery on my hip. we went to the grocery store and left her 11 day old brother with "Daddy" to watch Football.
we had to pick up some drinks and chocolate chips for cookies to bake this afternoon and it felt so new to have avery sitting on my unpregnant hip. still not suppose to lift more then 10 lbs but I'm fitting into my prepregnancy clothes and my waistline is starting to reappear which makes a nice little nook for avery to hold onto with her fat thighs. it feels so nice. this is what Ive been missing as her mom.

any suggestions as to a new "username" ?
i'm thinking about something along the lines of "She who wipes 3 butts"

Benjamin Tanner (BT) arrival

2006-10-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

Its early in the morning and Avery is messed up with bed head. had to get one last shot of my pregnant tummy before they sliced me open.
Batman was able to see BTs Kicks much clearer when the monitors were attached to my tummy. i think having his heartbeat on loud speaker helped batman realize how much activity i was feeling in my gut for the last several months. we waited around for about an hour doing paperwork and getting monitored. they drew 5 viles of blood and I started getting anxious about the surgery but tried to keep cool
finally our my parents and inlaws arrive right before they take me into surgery. one last happy moment I started breaking down and crying when I hugged avery ...I felt as though i was loosing my baby girl. it was the last time for her to be the ONLY baby in my life and it broke my heart.
the surgery took FOREVER....they gave me the spinal and then started getting the room preped for surgery and I had to lay there for way too long feeling all the nervous excitement and terror of if there was going to be something wrong with the baby. Benjamin Tanner was born and I heard him crying. not as strong a scream as avery gave at birth but still he was healthy and recieved appgar score of 8 and then 9.
Batman was by my side the whole time and held my hand telling me what a great job Iwas doing. i was just trying to hold it together and laughed when he showed me a picture of the themometor plate on my forhead

7lbs 7oz. 19 inches long

part TWo

2006-10-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

waiting outside the nursery windows for a first meeting
proud big Sister and Grandmother..........
proud parents.......

my sister in-law ANgela with BT. Guess I was the first to make a GRANDSON for my parents.
.........Batman is so proud and I'm so tired. I just love that I have a son and that he looks exactly like a mini Batman. guess avery is the female version and BT is the boy version of "US"

Avery's coping the best way a 12month old can. She's regressed to being a bigger baby and anytime Benjamin cries, She starts screaming back to show that she's louder.

we're home

2006-09-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

benjamin tanner was born monday at 758am.
the name means : Son of my right hand (because I had to carry avery on my left hip for so long)
I'm not doing very well and will post about the delivery later. Suffering from Spinal Headaches and cant be vertical for the next week. I'm on bedrest till the spinal fluid returns and heals up. We're not moving to my paretns either.....there was stupid drama at the hospital and flowers were thrown so I'm on Zoloft. pain makes a person pretty on edge.
But Benjamin is Wonderful and beautiful and my husband is the best man ever. He's been such a help with Avery and our family is busting at the seams with love.
got to go lay down again. feels like I have a train driving across my forhead right now.
I'll be around to post soon.

2006-09-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

today we have our last day to be a family of three. Tomorrow morning I get to rise and shine and hopefully take a shower and possibly shave my legs before heading up to the hospital at 5:30 am to deliver via cesarean. I'm having Belle of Madison http://belleofmadison.blogspot.com/ post the update if everything works out and I remember while in my new mommy haze.
I'm so worried about Avery and how she's going to manage. I'm going to be on my back with nasty staples across my gut trying to pick up nursing again and my sweet little girl wont be able to climb me or wrestle me with a newborn in arms. She's going to have a rough time of it I'm sure. Batman's suppose to be the one in charge of her but at the same time he's wanting to be with the new baby and me but at the same time he's also suppose to be getting our house packed and moved. THere's been so much going on for us this week. I feel Like I've had a small burst of energy trying to get things in order but at the same time I feel like I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished.
Lastnight I managed to get some sleep but the Dreams were the most Horrible. First I dreamed that I reported to the hospital for surgery but my Doc. Was still working on extracting the baby from some other woman. They put the baby on ice till the Doc could sew the first lady up and I'm left out and starving cause they told me I couldn't eat past midnight the previous night and here the Doc was taking well past noon to deliver my baby and give it to me because he had to finish the operation on the first woman who had my baby. I was getting pretty ticked off with the hospital and the Doctor and when I went to see the status of the lady and what was taking her so long to finish up her surgery...There was suture seam all the way around the woman's arms and fingers and face and legs as though the Doctor had cut her open with a Can opener. The doctor was so tired from being in surgery for so long that he was going to take a break and have some lunch before he got to my appointment and I flipped out because I' had been waiting so long and I simply wanted to have my baby.
that was the FIRST dream, super stressed and high axed feeling. I believe it came from the fact that the hospital called Friday morning and told me not to come in for the PreOpp. Visit but instead I could just show up 2 hrs earlier on my Monday for my surgery.

So on to my next horrible paranoid dream:
I received a phone call that woke me up from some strange mystery caller who was expressing how excited they were about the delivery tomorrow. I've received so much praise and excitement towards this new baby that I've lost track of all the people and exactly who said what, so I'm going along with the conversation and thanking this person and saying that I really needed to go , that I had been resting and the person on teh other end says something like how the baby is going to be theirs and I better watch my back. So of course this person keeps me on the phone longer and each time I try to hang up on them, they say something threatening to keep me scared and on the phone. Well, batman comes into the room and hangs the phone up for me but then it's on speaker phone and we hear this person making reservations at some hotel down the street. I've got every nerve in my body alert and we go check out this hotel and talk with the manager who agrees with us that he only people who stay there are criminals and murderer's. Its broad daylight and I'm wondering if I really need to be worried that this person is after my unborn baby. I'll be delivering tomorrow morning and I just am uneasy about things. I step outside of the hotel office and Avery's being held by batman's aunts and then this fuzzy red headed woman comes up and offers to hold Avery cause she's so cute and smiling and next thing I realize, she's taking off across the grass with Avery in her arms. I ask her to not go any further away while holding my daughter but she doesn't listen and keeps on walking at a very quick pace across the yard. I start to yell and chase her and tell her stop and I'm pulling at Avery trying to get her free from this woman who has the strength and bulk of an Ox. I'm screaming at the aunts infront of the office to get batman to come out and save our baby and when I turn back to this scarry childnapper, she's still got Avery in her clutches but also has her thumb resting in my elbow taking my pulse as if to check on the unborn baby inside of me . I just feel so violated and fearful of this woman and her intentions with my children. It was so horrible , I woke up squeezing the pillow between my knees thinking I had climbed up the side of the woman and was kicking and squeezing her.

so tomorrow I go to deliver my baby, I'm so paranoid that this woman will be behind one of the masks in the delivery room. Do I ask to see everyone's face before they begin?

HNT_ last of this pregnancy

2006-09-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

I go in for my pre op. tomorrow. my C section is scheduled for Monday. the OB says this baby is smaller the AVery was. my back and my legs are telling me differently. everyday I put on aspercream and my life smells pretty minty. poor batman isnt turned on anymore

2006-09-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

we took avery for a second check up with her pediatricain and her ears are just fine!

I think the ER doctor's were too quick to diagnos a double Ear infection. they saw a sick baby with a temp. and figured it was typical ear trouble....
Avery's a breast fed baby and that keeps the ear trouble away. she's not one of those snotty nosed, day care baby's that get stuck with a fake bottle of formula that are always fighting something and end up getting TUBEs in their ears. my girls a healthy natural well cared for baby.
What's wrong with today's medicine?

we are feeling major new teeth arriving on both sides of her lower jaw. that could be some of her discomfort and drainage.....those suckers are sharp too!

Running a fever 102 degrees!

2006-09-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

around 1:45 lastnight avery woke me up crying so I got my pregnant ass up out of bed and went to soothe her. when I picked her up she was RED HOT , not sweaty but just simply burning up. all week she's been snotty nosed and sleeping has been difficult for her. she's been fussier then usual but i tributed that to me being a bad example. I figured the nose thing was part of her teething though we havent had it with prior teeth. the snot was clear and I was told not to worry about it.
that is till last night when her temp read 102! I got batman up and we made a trip to the ER at 2am. I cried when they made me put a dressing gown on my baby. I just couldnt dream that my sweet girl was so sick that she needed to be put in a hospital gown and couldnt simply wear her nighty while they checked her. its the saddest thing when you see your baby in a hospital. She was so great and entertained with the latenight out. She had gotten a good 4 hours sleep and was feeling rested but we still needed to have a Doc. check her out.
it turns out she has infected both her ears from the nose draining through her system. I feel like a horrible mother not realizing that my baby was having ear trouble. the staff kept asking if she was pulling at her ears and honestly i didnt notice anything more then usual. She had stuck a Qtip up to her ear yesterday but i thought that was her imitating me. After we left the hospital and had a diagnosis, I saw her sitting in her car seat with her arms up beside her head and thought, Why i hadnt noticed before, but she always sleeps with her hands up around her head. I just felt like I was loosing my mommy inuition. I keep telling myself not to worry so much and that things are going to be fine....and then I'm forced to recognize that my family's health is fleating.
I have 7 more days till i get another baby. I go in for my preop. on this friday. I have to dose Avery with antibiotics every 8 hrs for the next 10 days....tell me how I'm going to be able to keep up with it all. I also have to get my parents upstairs emptied out and cleaned and get my house downsized to fit into two bedrooms.
Oh, and I'm suppose to stay off my feet

HNT- packing it all?

2006-09-14T10:33:00.001-07:00

my toilet paper roll holder..... It came into my life when I moved out of my parents home and into my first apartment,,,,when I moved on to another location, I took the tp holder with. I've kept the same toilet paper roll holder with me over the last 11 years. Its the type that has the scented beads though the aroma is long since used up. But now I'm left with the prospect of letting it go....I'm really saddened.
or do I pack it up and keep it as a tribute to my independence that I will some day move back out on my own?
There's so much downsizing of my house to do and letting go of my Tp holder is one of the bigger things in my head right now. That and what to do with my ugly green striped couch.

.........
Avery styling one of the baby toupees from yesterdays link....
not really, thats what her hair looked like this morning. so after she destoyed her crib with a diaper bomb, we (I ) washed her up in the bath and scrubbed out her linen's, her poor unicorn smells like the elephants at the Zoo. The label said to spot treat but I really know I've thrown that thing in the washer before.

.........One more thing to not forget to pack...My belly is stuffed solid. Though the OB says this baby is smaller then Avery was a year ago (8lbs12oz) but then we're also delivering a whole 3 weeks earlier then avery's birth. If the baby is smaller then why on earth do I have more strechmarks? I'm also noticing that my belly curves more to my right side and I believe that having Avery on my left hip has caused this new baby to grow deformed and curved. 10 more days and we'll find out the damage done.

something to smile about

2006-09-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Its for bald babies...found this over off of VIolets blog and had to share
http://www.babytoupee.com/babytoupee_thelilkim.htm

2006-09-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

like the picture? I call it.....suicidal pregant chick with knife
WOW, nothing like revealing your darkest hour to recieve some pretty critical words :) but also some encouragment and I thank you for the encouragment. that's the support i was talking about needing.

I'm a little bit relieved about knowing my parents are going to be around but at the same time I think my brain is in a funk and can only opperate on the negative and worrisome. with all that has gone on, and my hormones out of wack, I'm feeling extremely negative and the funny thing is that I can see it and it makes me more angry about my situation. I just want to not be pregnant anymore.......and then I just want somebody else to take over my role as mother and let me get some sleep and maybe focus on myself for a minute. I need a break.
things are getting better...i keep telling myself this all the time but i still over worry about things. currently how do i get any nesting done when I'm moving back into my parents? do I go over there this evening and sterilize from floor to ceiling? how do I get my own shit moved when I feel like everytime I bend over to pick up avery's toys that I'm about to drop benjamin out between my legs?
I wanna hospital bed and I wanna put my feet up and I dont care if they bother me during the night to draw blood and take my vitals.....it will at least put me in a place where i cant feel like everything falls on my shoulders to take care of.